No, I did not take a one ticket plane ride to Vegas, got drunk, and took off all of my clothes without knowing, this was intentional. I thought I was prepared for the semi-annual sale to try on the limited amount of lingerie that interested me and was, of course, discounted. Lingerie being discounted is like catnip for me. I’ve taken notice of the women with dilated pupils clawing through bras and panties so I was not the only one.

The first time I came, the line had twenty people in it, the second time just as much, and I’ve learned that don’t buy something you haven’t tried on… Especially with a bra. That bra may look so pretty in the store, like my recent rhinestone bra I bought without trying on with the last sale. But, when you wear it with a clingy shirt it makes you look like some kind of bumpy breasted monster. I love looking at the bra, it’s my first and last sparkly bra because it shows through all of my clothes. I am now wary of rhinestone on any bras.

Luckily, this time, there were only three people ahead of me in line and so I took my place. My turn came up and the lady asked for my name, and something I wasn’t expecting.

“What’s your bra size?”

I kind of looked back at her, thinking knowing a bra size should help them if I need help. I told her last time I was measured what the size was, she looked at my chest, and shook her head.

“I don’t think your that size, I think you might be this size. Let me measure you again.”

I said that was fine, and maybe thought about measuring because of losing a lot of weight recently. She shook my hand twice, and I assumed the position of arms out to the side, and then at my waist. She told me the size she thought I was at bra wise, and went back to get it. The bra she came back with was tiny, and I kind of held it out in front of me with a surprised look. “I just am so not fitting myself in this, I mean, yeah, I just don’t think this will fit…”

It was my turn and I took my tiny bra and my reduced bras in the bag with me. They told me to try on the tiny bra, press the button when I was ready, and then my bra expert would be in to check it out. I rarely flash women my bra, if this happens I’m probably in Vegas wearing too low-cut of a shirt. I squeezed myself into that tiny bra and watched as my chest exploded from all sides, and front.

She has got to see this, which was my first thought. I pressed the button, she came in, and I pointed out the spillage from all sides. I went up another size, still felt like the bra had a vice grip on my breasts. I went up another size, it was better, I could breathe, but I still felt like my original size was the one I was most comfortable in. Then, the whole collection of bras were pushed underneath my door to try on in the I’mnotgoingtodie sized bra and I was seriously overwhelmed. There was like eight bras for different styles and to see which one I liked best.

I took a breath, and turned my attention to the two bras and cute little sleep number that I had originally brought with me. All I could think about was the line outside waiting for a room to open up and it’d only take me a little bit to see if I liked them. Plus, bra shopping is like bathing suite or jean shopping for me, it seriously gets uncomfortable trying on multiples and it gets less fun as I keep on going. I tried them on, liked them but didn’t necessarily love them like I can’t live without them in my life.

Then I remembered the boudoir photo shoot I bought and I have to muster up the courage to do one of these days. I needed a sexy little thing for that! Went back to the sales rack, came back, tried this little corset sexy thing on. It was in the size of one of the tiniest bra sizes they tried me in, and it definitely didn’t fit as a corset either. I was bummed since it was so cute on, and all I needed was just one size bigger. I went back to the racks, kept hoping for that one size bigger but it alluded me.

I left there empty-handed and with all of my excitement for shopping for discounted panties and bras sucked out of me. I flashed a lady  my bra repeatedly and squeezed myself into tiny sizes that squished my chest from all sides. Oh, and I locked my keys in my car and my husband had to drop off my spare key… It was quite a day.