Life is never what you expect it to be

You would be amazed the changes one makes in their life when five or more years have passed. If you told me five years ago that I would have a not only decent relationship with my father, but forgive him, I’d laugh and say you were funny. And, the same could be said if my self now was able to talk to the girl five years ago I’d tell her the move miles and miles away from friends and family would be the best thing for her.

I read posts from my past on this blog and I’m amazed with the changes I’ve made. The posts about my husband and our then budding relationship especially make me smile. We are now married for three years and we have gone as a couple from me being without a job for more than a year, to him having the same problem. It’s put stress and strain on us, and we’ve lost some of our playfulness and are in a state of limbo with his job situation. I’m not sure if I’m staying here, if we will need to move, and I keep hoping that he will get the call for a great place to work at.

My husband and I got married and moved the same day to this place for his job and we couldn’t have guessed that his job would let go of him two years after the move. As a couple I feel like we just have had a hard time since we’ve said “I do” to each other. It seems like we are both not at our best points in our lives and so making each other a prioirity falls aside to just trying to survive everything.

We have fallen into the rituals of daily life, doing dishes, buying groceries, and keeping up with all of the mundane husband and wife duties. I appreciate it and I find comfort in it, yet there still isn’t the same little things we’d used to do for each other just because. The little gifts, love notes, and acts we used to do without thinking suddenly have to be reminded for the other to do. We spend a lot of time on electronics seeming to never make eye contact with the other person. He’s constantly looking for job listings, I’m unwinding from my day and wasting time while he job searches.

I have friends that filter in and out of my life. I hold onto some for a few months and then let them slip through my fingers and disappear into the void, while others fight to keep me in contact. I still try to see my friends back home when I visit and have made a few friends in this new place who I share bits and pieces of my life with. Life to me can and is easily lived without friends or people knowing you. Being a lone wolf is a part of who I am, though I can’t deny having people to care about is both wonderful, and frustrating at the same time. If I care enough to let someone in I will try to keep them but it’s all to easy to lapse into silence and not to seek others out.

My husband has never been out of a job for this long, and his last job he kept for fourteen years of his life. To say that this has been difficult on him is beyond an understatement and the whole thing puts a strain on everything. My heart goes out to him for his struggle, how he wants to provide but he can’t, and that we’re living off his retirement until it is completely gone.

This life isn’t what I’d expect it to be but I’d still chose it over staying where we were and never moving. It’s something that I feel like my old me would agree that this has helped me be me… fiercely independent, strong, and to try to have more of a capacity to love others. It’s hard, near impossible sometimes, yet I am definitely not the same person who first started writing this blog and nearly everything has changed.

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3 Comments

  1. Where are the words?!

    Reply
  2. Hello Deborah it’s a pleasure to have you over here on my blogosphere and I am so rusty with my blogging that I prematurely posted this. I was trying to just get the title down as a draft and accidentally hit publish instead and then I deleted it. So, I retrieved it, wrote down stuff as it came to me, and bam! I finally have some words to go with this post.

    Reply
  3. glad to ‘read’ you back 🙂 I fully agree that three years of marriage as well as all the challenges life throws at us can take their toll on a couple. Try adding a baby to that recipe and tell me how’s that for a romance killer. I admire your ability of being able to live without friends. Right now that’s my biggest challenge. I hope you will be posting more 🙂

    Reply

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