The Hits Keep Coming

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I’ve taken a long break from this little space of mine. I distance myself from people, things, friendships, and relationships. It’s a process that I find a little home to be myself, I don’t feel safe with it, and then disappear. I’m like vapor that can never quite be caught my another. With one situation being rectified, another comes to the surface. And yet again, I’m teetering. But, there are beautiful things in this world I appreciate.

My friendships, newfound and special to me. One even lasting three years even though we’re both people with a cynical approach on the world.

A newly floundered friendship where I’m just waiting for them to get bored with me. Somehow, I make friends with easily bored people. Luckily, I’m a complicated mess of a person to get to know so there’s a lot of layers to uncover. Always one more when you uncover another, so yeah.

Losing my career, trying to find it, surgery and health conditions that just add to a never ending list. That’s not exactly a thankful thing, but it’s forced me to slow down and do more that I would normally never do. Because it makes me look at my mortality and realize that every day this life should be lived to its fullest extent. You just never know.

Distance is still there between my family, it’s endless. I don’t and won’t trust them to be there for me. I will be there for them if they need it, but I can’t rely on them. The cycles of gossip and telling me to just get over things has never been useful for me in my life. I tell my brother not to share information and he goes against my word and spills everything to my mother. I feel like I’m in an endless gossip circle that has never benefited me.

This game of telephone where my words are taken, used against me, and they make endless ridiculous scenarios out of them.

I’m in a certain sort of limbo, my arms and legs flailing in the air. I make the most of it but I’m terrified of the edge. I know what’s coming, but I don’t want it to come.

When your family doesn’t want to see you

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that has mainly had stomach churning dips that are never ending. There’s been a move, my husband’s surgery, my husband still jobless two years later, and my brother getting engaged. I feel like I can’t fully exhale because something else is just looming to punch me in my stomach for good measure if I try to catch my breath.

There has been a plan to visit my family that got dashed because it was my idea when to see them because I could get cheap plane tickets. Now, I’m staying in the city so that I can explore it for the first time ever while they can either decide to see me, or not see me. Yesterday both my mother and my father told me to cancel my hotel, plane tickets, because what was the point of my trip? It’s a lot of money to waste on sightseeing and that they didn’t want me to come.

My emotions that were well tied up for awhile broke at the seams. I was angry, hurt, sad, and told them that my original plan was to see them and this was my last chance to do it. With my husband being out of a job for so long and his 401K officially used up my plan is to pick up every weekend to make the most money I can. This is my last chance to travel until a time I just can’t see right now. But, since they didn’t plan for me to come and this was my idea I have had them attack my plan time and time again. 

My mind teeter-totters on the edge of just doing what they say, yet my stubbornness fights against it. I have this weekend and two days off for this trip and I won’t get put on the schedule at the last second. And I want this trip for myself. I need it as a break from the relentless working and stressing loop I keep falling deeper down. But, unfortunately, I end up doubting myself as my family tries to get me to disengage from this vacation. It’s a negative feedback loop that keeps getting fed every time I talk to them.

I think I need this for my own sanity to travel and enjoy a city I love and coincidentally came from.

The point where you love your body

0607111853I believe that women in particular can have a difficult time with loving their bodies, because I know I have personally had a very hard time with it since I first got a ‘body.’ As a little girl I was nothing but legs and height, and all I cared about was playing outside for as long as I could and doing boyish things with my brother. Puberty hit me at a really young age and I recall being thrown off by what was happening to me. My long, lean build was gone and I ballooned out in about every direction.

Of course, like any woman out there I was teased quite a bit and bullied a lot. The boys started noticing any girls who had ‘blossomed’ and so I covered myself in baggy clothes and hid it as best as I could. The worst teasing, unfortunately, came from my family because suddenly my metabolism was turned against me. I couldn’t just eat anything like I did as a kid and have it not show. My family thought they were helping me by pointing out my weight daily, but year after year of this on a constant basis deteriorated my perception of myself. I avoided mirrors like the plague and got used to hearing from my mother in particular that if I lost weight I’d be perfect. 

319919_1975714788888_1123630225_31682279_2101631656_nTurns out later that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and this makes it difficult to lose weight, easy to gain, and your hormones are completely out of balance. Even when I was diagnosed and put on medication it didn’t help my weight, and I may have gained while I was on my medication. The symptoms it helped clear was cystic acne and it regulated my period so I wouldn’t go six months at a time without one.

To this day I always react to people bullying someone about their weight, even if the bully is that person. I make sure to say any good thing that crosses my mind, you look good today, etc. but I try to keep weight out of it. Lately I’ve been told that I look like I lost weight… and I know I haven’t. I just don’t need to lose any more especially since I am very content at how I am right now. I have never been as happy as I am about my body, especially because it just feels so much stronger. I had a set goal weight I wanted to go for at first, yet, I don’t care as much if I am at that exact weight or a few pounds above it because my body just feels good. It even shows in my career that I can give deeper massages that may have exhausted me if I did several in a row before and I don’t feel tired at all.

0907111815Through my journey I’ve had I have realized that finding love and appreciation for your body, and who you are, of course begins and ends within yourself. The kind of teasing and bullying I’ve been through for my weight is something I’d never wish upon any other woman or especially a child. Yet, I know as women we have to fight against not only what people say about how we look, or the media says, but also when we end up turning against ourselves as well.  To this day I don’t like it when people I don’t know tease me incessantly thinking they are funny and I will tell them every time to stop it. 

I am not one for resolutions or goals but I did have at least one this year that I will continue to love my body, treat it good, and maintain all the hard work I’ve done. I want to continue doing one of my passions I never thought I would have which is cooking 6-7 days out of the week. I’ve always been one to want to change little parts of me, my thighs, my stomach, and I’m learning to be content with what I’ve got. It’s a process continuing to love your body, especially when it seems like everyone is telling you that you need to fix any flaws that you have. I realize now my flaws are what make me… me, and that they can be the most beautiful thing about a person.

Is my introversion showing?

DSC00156As much as I can fool everyone else that I am an extrovert I just can’t do the same with myself, and you better believe I have tried. Sometimes you just know as a kid that being around with people drains you, and that you totally crave ‘me‘ time. I was always that quiet and shy kid who always loved to just be alone with herself and my imagination would just run wild. If I ever was sent to my room for being bad or whatever reason I would relish in the quiet time and bring out my toys to play with them.

The only thing that has changed about me is I know how to handle people to make them feel at ease. I know how to make them believe that I am an extrovert and being considered an extrovert seems to make people feel comfortable. I put a lot of energy into being outgoing, loud, and fun at work which is who I am, but I don’t have enough energy at the end of my work day to go out and be social. After a day where I push myself all I can think about is coming home to my husband and being quiet and just taking it easy.

005With my job you can have some down time and when there’s down time people expect me to be around other people. On certain days I can push myself to be social and interact, but sometimes, I just can’t and that is when I generally keep to myself. During these forced quiet times I think that my introversion is showing, and I try my best to not to let it show, yet I can’t deny when all I want to do is recharge in peace and quiet.  My profession of massage has me being with people all the time when I’m busy, and if I have a day when my clients want to talk during their session I can get particularly exhausted. Luckily, it tends to be unusual for a client that needs to talk during their massage and even more peculiar for there to be more than one in a day.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve become quite accustomed to the declaration that I am crazy. Pretty much everyone says it and growing up as a kid who was always called strange and an oddball I’ve learned to wear it like a badge of honor. My favorite thing to say in response, though I have many, is You wish you could be this kind of crazy!” Even when I was younger the other kids would try to bully me about my strangeness, and my anti-social nature, and back then I would still take it as a part of myself. I was unique, extremely unusual, and there was really nothing wrong with who I was unless I wanted to believe them.

So, on days where I know my introversion is showing I just tell myself it is a part of me. I can dance, and be goofy, and be crazy without a second thought but when I come home it’s time to press that recharge button.

How did I become a house wife?

151I don’t know quite what triggered it, besides our obvious move that we made over a year ago. I’ve always been a free spirit, very stubborn, and my husband was always the one trying to cook when he could and cleaning up after my messes. I hear some women talk about how we aren’t exactly as free as we think we are. This one lady who said these exact words said that we weren’t very free, we were only free to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of the children. That men these days still don’t know how to help out and they are taught for us to take care of them… And essentially we become like their mothers. (Ew.)

This woman was also married for 36 years and recently had become divorced at the age of sixty. I thought of interjecting to say that my husband has always been a gentleman, opening doors for me, getting my coat, and he has always the one cleaning, cooking, he was even doing my laundry! I could tell she was very hurt by what happened to her, understandably so, and my unusual case with my husband probably wouldn’t be heard.

It was a strange situation with two service providers being in the room at once so I let the other gal answer any of her questions. Her freedom analysis of married women was interesting, but it isn’t the case for all women. I feel absolutely free with my husband, I have traveled more this year than any year in my life. He encourages me to go out with people if I want to, and if I do need him to clean I just need to remind him verbally to do it. Like most guys, dropping hints about dishes or cleaning will get me no where, yet telling him the exact thing I want from him will get him to definitely do it for me.

092I guess I felt more interested in this idea of freedom and us being there to take care of our husbands with cleaning, cooking, etc. because I’ve fell into the role of being like a house wife. Now, keep in mind I still work, I pick up days when my work asks me to, but I’ve even gotten my cooking times coordinated with when my husband might be coming home.

Dinner needs to be ready hopefully by the time he walks in the door, I will be finishing up with it so it is still warm for us when he walks in. I’ve basically taken over dishes duty since I am doing all of our cooking. I thought if I was ever at this stage where I’d consider myself a housewife I’d resent it very strongly. If you asked me a year ago that I’d be cooking complicated dishes almost every day of the week, doing dishes, and especially enjoying the cooking I’d of laughed at you… Very hard. When I visit my family they still don’t believe it, and I’d love to cook for them because it is one of my huge things of pride and discovery for me. My mother never really cooked for us, she really didn’t like it and since we never cooked at home there was not much for us to ever clean. The basics of how to cook was self-taught to myself by trial and error, and amazingly once I started cooking, there was this natural ability to make really tasty dishes.

Now the question of how I became a housewife I think is easiest to be explained by our move and my need to adapt and still feel important without a job. I wanted to be able to do something while I was job searching and though I assumed I wouldn’t be good at cooking, I still decided to give it a try. Now that I have a job the act of cooking, strangely enough, gives me a sort of stress relief after working even when my body is sore from massaging. I don’t know quite how I got to this point I’m at now… But I don’t mind being here.

Choosing strength over worry

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt feels like its been forever since my husband was notified about the news of his job ending at the end of the year. He has processed it far better than I have, and he has decided to take charge and do everything in his power to prepare to pick his next job. We are both worries, him and I, so I was surprised that he has been handling it as well as he has. My husband has been reading career books, and even has a huge file of the materials he’s accumulated.

All I could do in the beginning was be consumed by the worry, the worry of us running out of money, him not finding a job, so much adding up that at times I felt like I was under a rip current from all of my anxiety. I struggled to get back to normal, but I kept on getting thrown around in the strong current.

Just a week after the news I had a preplanned trip to travel with my brother on our first brother/sister adventure together and I think that this helped me to get back to myself. I laughed more than I had in what felt like years, and it definitely felt cathartic to let all of that pent-up negative energy out in the form of laughter. My brother and I had a great time together and though I came back still worried, I felt like I might be handling it better.

It’s amazing how different I am from when I first moved away from my family and friends, because if given a chance for my husband to take back a job where we used to live, I wouldn’t exactly jump at it. After all of this time I spent fighting our move here and wishing I could go back, I don’t wish for that now. It’s only after the fact and after I accepted our move that I realized the truth… That this move was a very good thing for the both of us. I’ve grown leaps and bounds, teaching myself to cook when before I would burn the water when I had boiling water on the stove and Id run away because I didn’t know what to do to fix it. There’s other things that I’ve grown in, and even my whole body has changed with my weight loss thanks to my dedication to cook and track what I eat.

I don’t want to blame things, people, or circumstances for what I’m going through or the emotions that I feel. Lately even though my husband’s job loss is scary and imminent, I feel like I’ve been even more loving to him and I’m leaning on him more. He asked me if I trusted him to get another job, to choose correctly for what he’d be doing or where we might be going. Normally I’d answer, “Sure, I trust you but I don’t trust the world out there” yet now I’m just answering with just “I trust you.” For all that he and I have been through since saying those simple words “I do.” a year ago when we got married we have faced challenges and we have also conquered them.

There’s the other stipulation of us moving again, and we could be moving many miles away, but even with that I accept it. Another move may be another opportunity for me to learn something new about myself. It will never be easy not to have anxiety about the unknown, yet I’m trying to train myself to pick hope and strength over worry.

Family isn’t just a word

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI have an uncle and aunt who technically aren’t my aunt and uncle, yet I’ve always seen them that way. And, for a while now, I feel like I’ve been playing a childhood game where I can pretend that they are my family, even though we aren’t, because they’ve made me feel like family. These two people have made me feel special, and like I was important, since I was a little girl and I’d honestly hardly ever see them.

It wasn’t until the trip where my husband finally met them that I realized I wasn’t playing a childhood game of pretending. It was real, and not only did they call me their niece but they were also super proud of it. It was a unique and awesome concept, being able to show my husband some of my family that had adopted me in. We had so much fun spending time with them, a lot of laughs, and I appreciated the time we got to spend with them.

214Now, I will be traveling back to visit them with my brother, which is something I’ve always wanted to do. My brother has asked me since I was a teenager if I wanted to travel with him to visit my uncle and aunt and I’ve just never felt I could do it. There was the difficulty of getting the time off, not getting paid for taking the time off, getting someone to cover me, and the cost of the plane ticket on top of everything else. Yet, I feel like since my move my husband and I have made a year ago I am more daring, and luckily, have an easier time getting time off to travel. This trip was pre-planned before I found out my husband would be losing his job so it takes on a deeper level of being around family during this time.

My brother has always been someone I’ve looked to for guidance in really tough times, much more so than my mother or father. My mother likes to look at me for reassurance, and so does my father, so I’ve come to lean on my brother for our rare serious conversations. There may be no serious conversations, only fun, since I will be hanging out with him and my uncle and aunt. I haven’t been laughing very much lately, truly laughing, and with being a rather positive, funny, and upbeat person it’s been hitting me.

018And, of course since I am a happy go lucky type of person everyone around me is aware of the change if I don’t cover it up carefully or if I’m not busy I will just be thinking too much of the ‘what ifs.’ When I’m thinking intensely I am one of those people who frowns or looks slightly angry so I’ve been trying my best to be preoccupied which is easiest when I’m massaging.

I thought of canceling the trip to meet up with my brother where we’d spend the time with our aunt and uncle when I found out my husband is being furloughed. I told myself it wasn’t right to be traveling, to be on vacation, to be laughing, when something so serious is going on. My husband, of course, insisted that I go and that I needed it. Truth be told there’s been a number of years I have wished I could have traveled with my brother to visit our aunt and uncle, yet, I just couldn’t and now I have the chance to. I just got back from a trip and ended up getting sick from that so I’m trying to recuperate as best as I can.

I want to lean on family during this time of uncertainty and I am going to try my best to. I’m not the type of person to let people know what’s going on in my head, what I’m struggling with, but hopefully it will be a relief and what I need.

The Boudoir Experience

budiouphotoAs you may or may not know I signed up for yet another Boudoir Photo Shoot, even though I had done one early in the year. The photo shoot was so much fun, the pictures turned out great, and it turned out to not be a complete robbery of my wallet to get some of the professional pictures. All last month I was working out, walking, and eating a little more carefully in preparation of the Boudoir action I’d be getting.

I collected more little outfits to wear at discounted prices and made sure that they fit. Believe it or not as it came down closer to my photo shoot time I share with my coworkers I’d be getting it done. They were excited for me and so I buzzed with excitement when they day finally came.

This time I was going to try a traditional corset where someone ties you up so you can’t breathe, can’t move, and in general can’t think with it on. My husband instructed me to breathe in and out at the opportune time and of course I breathed out when I should have breathed in because he was trying to kill me. Those little strings pulled tighter and I wondered if the corset was giving me a bear hug I could never get out of. He kept on pulling and pulling obviously enjoying seeing me squirm in pain.

When he was all finished he had me try to bend over, I could barely accomplish this and had to bend at the right angle. My wonderful hubby then said it was too loose if I could bend over, so I ran away from him and stupidly drove myself to my photo shoot.

I nearly crashed into the car in front of me more times than I can count. I told myself to focus on the road but my mind kept on trying to find solutions to breathe better without pain. That corset choked my rib cage with a vengeance and I wondered how women did this when this piece of torture was a fashion necessity. This time for my cover up clothes I wore my little shirt dress that I love since I can’t imagine wearing the corset with jeans. Once I got to the location they sat me down (ouch!) and fancied up my hair and put on some smokey eye makeup plus some fake eyelashes.

This time I was so much more relaxed to be half-naked with another woman in the room who coincidentally had a camera with her. I could feel myself less guarded and also less hyper this time. The smiling and different looks came easier to me, and I was out of my head with being self-conscious. And not being self-conscious when you’ve spent your whole life being that way is definitely priceless.

Thinking of good comebacks after the fact

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHave you ever had someone say something to you and you really wish you had a comeback to give them right back? I had this recently happen to me and I will share it for an example:

Coworker: “Whoa! What happened to your hair?!”

Me: “I’ve been working… My hair gets fluffy when I work hard.”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI wish I had a better comeback and it always gets me the next day or even the next week for what to say. I also have this inner filter I try to keep on always because I don’t want to say something that would hurt someone’s feelings, even if that person is trying to rile me up. If a coworker looks especially nice a day that I work, I always make sure to tell them.

How a woman responds to a compliment is almost always, “uhhh… I look like crap today, are you blind??” so unfortunately even good comments have to be kept in check. I’ve learned the lesson of who will receive a compliment well, and who will make me feel like a dope for saying anything.

And, it’s okay to not say something nasty or smart as a comeback if you can’t think of anything to say in return until days later. Just laugh at the remarks and it’ll frustrate the person trying to put you down in that moment.

I am not a normal newlywed

005When people hear that I am a newlywed they either mumble with, “that must be nice, wait 10 years them tell me how you feel,” or, “really?? you’re a newlywed?!” They then proceed to tell me how I’m destroying their dreams with reaction number two because I’m not their ideal of a newlywed. I’m not sure where their opinion grew from, probably from TV and movie depictions of newlyweds. Generally though movies never follow after the happily ever after ending.

Our wedding was the anti-wedding and I doubt I’d have it any other way, even though we were running late and playing catch up all day. The beginning of my husband and I’s married lives together couldn’t have been more of a difficult start to any marriage. We were not a story book happily ever after end, it was more of a how will we survive this first storm together?

I keep on hearing a lot of “you’re a newlywed, you should be more warm and feely!” The funny thing is that he and I are actually a rather warm, but mainly very funny, wife and husband combo. It’s just my coworkers react like it’s the end of the world because I’m a newlywed and I have sharing problems when it comes to sharing snacks and those little things. You should have seen their looks when I told them with some of my favorite work snacks I tend to hide them from my husband.

033You’d think it was the end of the world once they realized I’ve only been married for a year with my husband. Yet, what they don’t know is how many years we’ve been together besides that year of marriage. My husband sometimes hides snacks from me, and I totally get it when he does.

I say that one of my favorite things about our relationship is our humor, our ability to laugh at each other and ourselves. I loved from the moment I spoke to him (and I was attracted to him when I saw him too) that he could keep up with me in a conversation. That’s one of the things I needed the most when I was struggling looking for a job, with no friends and no family, was trying to learn to laugh again.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOur first year of marriage was one of the most difficult years of both our lives. There wasn’t a ‘happily ever after‘ attached to our wedding day, only a disconcerting question of how are we going to get through this storm? It wasn’t easy, but we are able to see the sky clearing and things look so much better now than ever before.