Teaching myself how to forgive

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve never really been taught how to forgive, I’d hold on to grudges and I’d end up holding onto a lot of anger. The way I was taught was that the world was an untrustworthy place, everyone was out to get you, they were there to take advantage of you, or just plain hurt you. You should be prepared for said ‘screwing over’ by other people because it wasn’t a matter of if it was going to happen but when.

So, this is how I’ve lived for a very long time and as I became more and more aware of myself I realized living this way made me feel terrible. I’d hold onto all of this hopeless anger because I didn’t want to forgive, or especially forget, so I would eventually become it. Becoming the anger is something that eats you up inside, it consumes your every thought especially when you are around that said person who hurt you.

I remember saying so many times, “I will never forgive you for this, I can never forgive you for this!” The feeling of holding onto that is very memorable, how it twisted my guts in the worst possible way. There was no way to escape it, and there definitely wasn’t any way that I could forgive because they would just hurt me all over again. Over the years I’ve distanced myself from many people, though I allow time passing to do the work for me.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI don’t know what it is about starting from scratch that made something click in me. I can be a good person at times, I can even be great, I can love, but I’m stopping myself from loving and I don’t think I’m fully living my life because I’m scared to. The not forgiving was eating me alive, making me literally sick from stress, and I was afraid to let people in. I’m not going to lie and say that I let everyone in now, that I’m not cautious, yet I am putting myself out there more with going out more in social situations.

Every time someone is nasty to me, or says something to upset me, I try my best to forgive them. My motto lately is that whatever they’re criticizing me for is what they really are unhappy with themselves. That other people’s unhappiness doesn’t mean it has to be rub off on me, especially with not forgiving them and holding a grudge against them.

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things for me to try to perform on a daily basis, but I know how holding on to that anger feels like… It just eats me away from the inside out.

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Is my introversion showing?

DSC00156As much as I can fool everyone else that I am an extrovert I just can’t do the same with myself, and you better believe I have tried. Sometimes you just know as a kid that being around with people drains you, and that you totally crave ‘me‘ time. I was always that quiet and shy kid who always loved to just be alone with herself and my imagination would just run wild. If I ever was sent to my room for being bad or whatever reason I would relish in the quiet time and bring out my toys to play with them.

The only thing that has changed about me is I know how to handle people to make them feel at ease. I know how to make them believe that I am an extrovert and being considered an extrovert seems to make people feel comfortable. I put a lot of energy into being outgoing, loud, and fun at work which is who I am, but I don’t have enough energy at the end of my work day to go out and be social. After a day where I push myself all I can think about is coming home to my husband and being quiet and just taking it easy.

005With my job you can have some down time and when there’s down time people expect me to be around other people. On certain days I can push myself to be social and interact, but sometimes, I just can’t and that is when I generally keep to myself. During these forced quiet times I think that my introversion is showing, and I try my best to not to let it show, yet I can’t deny when all I want to do is recharge in peace and quiet.  My profession of massage has me being with people all the time when I’m busy, and if I have a day when my clients want to talk during their session I can get particularly exhausted. Luckily, it tends to be unusual for a client that needs to talk during their massage and even more peculiar for there to be more than one in a day.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve become quite accustomed to the declaration that I am crazy. Pretty much everyone says it and growing up as a kid who was always called strange and an oddball I’ve learned to wear it like a badge of honor. My favorite thing to say in response, though I have many, is You wish you could be this kind of crazy!” Even when I was younger the other kids would try to bully me about my strangeness, and my anti-social nature, and back then I would still take it as a part of myself. I was unique, extremely unusual, and there was really nothing wrong with who I was unless I wanted to believe them.

So, on days where I know my introversion is showing I just tell myself it is a part of me. I can dance, and be goofy, and be crazy without a second thought but when I come home it’s time to press that recharge button.

Cockroach Killer Extoardinaire

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A bug was harmed in the making of this post. Just not this one since it was outside in the safe zone

I’ve never had to deal with cockroaches before, count me lucky, or sheltered, but I know what they look like. My friend has that as one of her big fears, cockroaches she told me can fly, Sarah, seriously! This friend of mine also recently discovered that she has an intense fear of sink holes, which she just recently discovered and she said they can follow you and happen anywhere.

I am a bug person since the age of three I’ve had memories of grabbing ants (even fire ants, ouch) and putting them in my clear plastic purse. Crickets, grasshoppers, moths, caterpillars, rollie pollie bugs, about every bug you can think of I’d collect. As I’ve gotten older I still have an appreciation of all things creepy and crawly, yet, I’ve changed since I was a little girl. If a bug is invading my home I will most likely kill that bug with a vengeance, they will get especially annihilated if I caught them in my bed.

There is no love for bugs if they are found creeping around my home, though they can only wish that I have compassion the day I find them and I might try to let them outside. If they get caught in our home again I doubt I can find it in my bug loving heart not to crush them to pieces. My husband does not have my killer instincts and so we have taken on opposite roles to say the least. So, when my husband and I went to visit our little pet and he nearly fell over I thought he had hurt himself, which was not quite so.

He saw a cockroach, jumped onto the coach like a girl, and told me to take care of it. That bugger was huge, so I did the logical thing.

Me: “I’m going to get my killing boots, be right back.”
Husband: “Don’t leave me with it, come back here!”

I headed over to my closet on the opposite side of the apartment and searched for the perfect killing boots. I couldn’t find my favorite pair so I went with a high top type of boot after five minutes of searching, pulled up my pajama bottoms, and stomped on over. My husband was on the couch cowering, asking me why I’d left him for so long, he wouldn’t stop hiding on the couch. The cockroach was, of course, hiding as well.

I wasn’t going to be done until I killed it, so I searched around and was able to rush it out but I missed killing it and it darted under our couch.

Me: “We need to move the couch, it’s hiding, get up and help me move it.”
Husband: “What if it attacks me?! I don’t want it to attack me!”

It took quite a bit of convincing but he did move the couch and lo and behold… The cockroach was someplace else. I was on the hunt so I flipped over a pillow and found it, and went into killing mode. I may or may not have sworn while I was stomping it to death and did more than a double tap, more like a twenty tap to make sure it was dead. You gotta remember cockroaches can survive anything, and they are probably like zombies, you gotta make sure that head is off to really kill them.

We then volleyed back and forth who would throw away the dead bug, but I did the killing, so he can take care of the cleanup. My husband then informed if there was a zombie apocalypse that he would be able to handle it. I highly doubt that and know I would just need my killing boots to be able to take on some zombies.

Booking a Boudoir Photo Shoot

When I look at pictures of myself I am always trying to hide something. Having a picture taken of me is like the worst form of punishment because I never think that I look good in them. If I’m not trying to pose a certain way to hide my stomach the picture was probably taken without me knowing. That’s what comes to me when I think of pictures, hiding a part of my body, or being ashamed of it once I see it.

budiouphotoI think that a boudoir photo shoot is maybe the perfect way to face my body, accept it, and have pictures where I’m not trying to cover everything. Any other point in my life I’d think about doing something like this and laugh, but I’ve booked the photo shoot and I’m getting together the clothes (or lack thereof) that I need for it. After I booked my appointment I got this email of what to expect for it, wear bright lingerie, bring lotion and false eyelashes if you want them applied for the shoot.

It’s funny how my appointment, which I booked finally over a month ago, is coinciding with all of my interviews I’ve been doing this week. I’m not sure if this is a reward, or one more thing to be stressed about.

I don’t really own any high heels, or makeup, and I’ve never bought false eyelashes in my life. Now, I did have the false eyelashes for my wedding so I know they look good on, it’s just I don’t even know what to look for with getting them. To say that I’m not a girlie girl is a definite understatement, but this whole new life in a new place has taught me to do things I’d normally laugh at. Or, even try something that I could never see myself doing.

My boudoir photo shoot is booked, coming up, and I am looking forward to it. It will either be an escape, or another thing to worry about, but I’m doing it either way.

Ow, okay, I’ll go to Vegas

I get to see drunken cartoon characters in Vegas… yay!

My mother is about one of the most ‘interesting’ and funniest women you might come across, and currently she has this kick for Vegas. And, she really loves going to Vegas with me so it’s like our mother/daughter trips we do except we gamble, drink, eat, and I get to wear really low-cut clothes that I wouldn’t wear out in public anywhere else. I’ve gone to Vegas so many times I actually have a collection of clothes that are specifically for my Vegas trips, they are low-cut, and crazy cleavage popping clothes. I can’t wear sexy heels or even sexy skirts so I end up with letting the girls out and no matter what I wear I can hardly compete with the young girls running around Vegas now-a-days.

I’m always under-dressed but never to too much of an extreme because everyone shows more leg, breast, bottom, and stomach than me. I do always have a great time with my mom, but last time she went she had to take my father because I had just gotten married and she did it the day after my wedding. She planned another trip in August and since she planned that trip she’s been badgering me about coming.

Literally every time I talk to her she mentions she’s going to Vegas and how I can come too. I was kind of hesitant to give her a full commitment but I talked over the possibility with the hubby and he was okay so I finally conceded. Yes, I will go to Vegas with you once again.

Me and my mom gamble a little at the penny slots, like $1 at a time and mainly money is spent on shows and food. I took her to some really nice restaurants with our last trip and we had a really good experience with food. It can be either a hit or a miss for us, even if we go to high-end dining places in Vegas where you’d think the food is amazing but really it’s sub-par. And, spending the kind of money you end up spending on high-end food in Vegas you want it to at least be average, but we’ve had much worse. I even got really sick on one trip and we had to miss Thunder from down Under because of the food I ate.

I know, I had to be awfully sick to miss a male review where they end up stripping off all their clothes… oh, I was. My mom wasn’t much better with her hip killing her (writing that makes me feel like she’s an old lady, but she’s always like in her 30’s in my head) so we had to skip it. I felt terrible about missing it, and told my regular clients at work I’d be seeing it, so when they came in to see me they asked how to it was and so did a friend of mine and I had to admit I missed it.

We might do it this trip, but I’m excited at the prospect of pulling out my ‘Vegas’ clothes and getting to wear them. I will first arrive back where my mom is a few days early so we can fly out together and maybe get a girl date or two with my friends.

I didn’t start the fire

So, you know you have a pretty cursed and horrific day at work when you messing up an appointment is out-beaten by someone almost burning the Spa down. Now, I’m just happy I didn’t start a fire and mess up an appointment because then I probably wouldn’t be able to hold it back, I’d definitely end up breaking down at work. Luckily, I was able to hold myself together … barely.

How did the fire get started? Well, we have these little tea lights and to make the room look fancy we like to line them up all over the place.  It’s easy to bump into them so I think that the girl who started the fire  hit the tea light into the tissue box, but I wasn’t around for it. I have set something on fire two times, and it was just a little kleenex tissue that was in the way. The first time I silently freaked out and hit the tissue with my hand. Umm… very stupid, right? I figured out that was going to make it spread so I threw it in the sink and had the common sense to turn on the faucet.

The second time I just calmly took it, threw it in the sink, turned on the water and the fire was easily put out. So, I’m a bit of a fire starter, but not to the extent of lighting up a tissue box. The girl in question brought the burnt box to a manager and they took pictures of it to send to other managers that weren’t working. I think they might frame the box too, it was definitely quite a day.

Just call me little Miss Unconventional

So, I’ve decided even though I feel as huge as an elephant in a tutu with a dress that I will try to where one for my wedding day. Me and my mom went yesterday to the mall and were walking around shopping and ended up in the clothes section. I hate clothes, I wouldn’t buy them unless if I have to and what I hate more than clothes shopping is trying them on. I’ve had too many experiences where something hasn’t fit, and where I look at myself near naked in a full mirror with full-on lights on and I just want to bury myself in a hole.

Why can’t they do special mood lighting for when you go clothes shopping? Yes, I know, then you buy it thinking it’s great and see it with good lighting and can’t stand it so you return it, but I wouldn’t be against softer lighting.

We enter the clothes arena and there are so many different selections and we end up getting tracked down by a sales person. She asks my mom what we are looking for and she pretty much answers her with, “We don’t have a clue what we are doing. She is going to have a wedding in April and we don’t know what she should wear!” The sales girl’s eyes light up as soon as she hears the infamous word ‘wedding’ to which I say that I hate clothes, dresses, and don’t want to look like terrible. She suggests a skirt and a blouse I would wear to an interview, but not to my wedding. And, when her suggestions fall on deaf ears she says for us to maybe go up to the upper level where the plus sized is, for 14 and up.

I mumble under my breath how I must look huge today and get as far away as I can from the skinny, tiny, sales associate that I possibly can. We head up to the top floor and already I feel not-that-great and just down about trying on dresses. But, I truck on and try on about six different dresses. One makes me look like a mermaid, and not in a good way. It has literal scales and it tapers down to make me look like my legs are a tail. Another dress washes me out, another one is okay but mainly black with sparkles, and the best one I found was this pretty teal dress.

As you can tell, I do not want a wedding dress in the conventional sense. I want a dress I can wear to my wedding that has color and looks good, and I can possibly wear to the fiancée’s work outings when I need something fancy. I want something I can wear more than once, and I want it to be pretty and fit me well and not be uncomfortable. The dress I liked wasn’t in my size and didn’t quite work as well as I wanted, but the color was very pretty on and didn’t make me look like I had just been dragged out of the ocean.

The fiancée keeps reminding me how I said I didn’t want a dress because I hate how they make me look, and how now I’m saying I do. I don’t think that I want to wear a pant suit to my wedding, or a skirt and blouse I’d wear to an interview.  I’m sure his family expects me to wear a traditional white wedding dress, especially his grandmothers, but it just isn’t me.

And, after seeing myself in that full lighting I’ve decided to work out at home. I’ve brought out the yoga mat, the big tone ball, and today I brought out the stepper and did that for 20 minutes. I’m going to try to be better and stretch, do some yoga, and try my stretches on the tone ball hopefully every day. I have to do something to deal with this client who sees me every week and takes every bit of strength I have. I will not let my body break down because of one client, I’m going to try to make it stronger, and massage smarter. Plus, maybe I can get myself down to a smaller size before the wedding. I doubt it, but it can’t hurt to try to tone myself and working out should help me with my endurance with massaging.

The Planning Mother-Zila

It’s going to get much harder for things to get done with me and the fiancée as every week he might be here, and the following week he might not. It’s a flip-flopping every single week of him working in his new job miles away, and then coming back to where we live and doing it all over again. I need to pack things up for when I move back to the folks, decide what I need and don’t need to stay with me, get my state license for down there, decide what will be shipped down with his stuff, and even more.

Remember how I said we found a wedding band for the fiancée? Well, turns out we don’t and they didn’t have it in his size. So, we are now on a search for finding him a wedding band he’ll like while mine is being custom made and will hopefully turn out just perfect.

I don’t know if I can quite wrap my head around moving yet. And, I can’t wrap my head around even more that I’m moving back in with my folks, and he’s going to be moving down to his job without me. But, I have a wedding to pay for, a honeymoon to pay for, and I need to keep my job for as long as I possibly can. Which is why me moving is the big secret and I’m a professional at keeping it. That’s not to say it isn’t easy, it’s hard for me every day and on certain days its even worse. And, my mom said today how she doesn’t want to be ex-communicated from my work as a client because I’m leaving.

I swear, everything is always about her. Yes, I am so sorry that you will have to go to my work to get your haircut and you won’t get a discount and your afraid they are going to treat you bad because I’m leaving. I highly doubt that they would do that, but really, mom?  They will end up holding a grudge against me, not you, because you obviously don’t work for them.

And, all she is thinking about, talking about, listening to is herself with planning a trip in June. That is all my mother focuses on is basically travel planning and the planning she does is the most excitement she gets, even when she’s on a trip she’d rather be looking ahead to the next thing. She’s trying to push her weight around with my wedding planning but that’s not happening. It’s small, we have our own idea of what we are doing, and my mom wanted everyone to be in one apartment and plan where they are staying. His sister has a place she wants to stay at, my brother probably wants to stay separately, me and him want a hotel to ourselves, so everyone is going to be staying at separate hotels and that is totally fine.

The fiancee and I still have to figure out where we are going for lunch after the wedding down in the city. But, it’s something he and I should figure out, and my mom is researching that, the vacation, and everything else all at once sometimes. I’m the only one who travels with her because she likes to have things her way and I just go with the flow. I know I’m not exactly a planner myself, and never have been, so I can’t understand her fascination and obsession with it.

Crawlies creeping all over

There is this problem I’ve had with the fiancée that I’ve never had before. It’s because he brings fresh fruit and veggies in and they sit for quite a while, don’t get eaten, and then mayhem happens. Bugs somehow hitch hike inside and I am fighting off an invasion of such magnitude that I don’t know quite how to get out of here alive. The invaders are tiny, winged most of the time, or as in this time, seem to hop and jump like little fleas. Let me say that I do like bugs, have liked them before I could talk or walk, but, I do not like them in the house. If they are in my territory, they are dead.

I’ve been crazy lately because of the invaders and for the fact that this is the second time this has happened and I have mainly fought the battle against the fruit insects alone. I came home after a long shift at work, I was tired, barely had a lunch, and noticed the horrific smell in our kitchen was still not gone. I had taken out pizza boxes, and started my ritual of running the sink water to try to flush the stank out.

Oh, then there scurried the tiny little flea looking things and I saw them run to the box of onions and stuff. There were so many of them I went into panic mode. With the water boiling hot I sprayed the counter over and over again until everything was soaked in that corner and the invaders were drowned. Yet, I didn’t get them all and there have been stragglers who have survived that every time I see them I just go crazy. My family never has fresh produce so I’ve never dealt with this before, and he can never see them or kill the bugs so I mainly battle them by myself.

The stank in the kitchen is much better since obviously the produce was rotting and I told him to keep an eye on stuff like that. He told me we were only going to be living here, at our apartment, for only another 2 months. I don’t think he got the point.

Ho ho a Go Go

Well, it is Christmas Eve and all throughout the night I was not questioning whether or not I was booked today. I knew it, 4 appointments, one 90 minute massage, and not a chance of me getting out early. I had my fingers crossed that maybe I would be with only 1 appointment, they’d listen to my pleas and me jumping up and down saying,

I have to drive like 4 hours to where my fiancée’s family lives … which last year it took like 5 hours. Let me go!”

But, there is absolutely no chance of this, so, I have Christmas cards for all and some candy canes with adorable little jelly snowflakes and such on them. The fiancée and I opened up our presents last night because we will be so far away and he loved his gifts, and I loved mine too. We have a big box full of presents for his family and he wrote in the ‘Save the Date’ cards I made yesterday.

His family will find out on Christmas Day about our wedding date just like last year where they found out we were engaged on Christmas Day … and I was surprised ninja hugged by his sister so tightly they screamed at her to let me go. Man, his family is very touchy feely, and mine don’t even hug each other and when we do it’s that awkward hug with both arms stuck to the sides.

Luckily, the weather is not frightful today like last year and this should make for better drive. Yeah, what about the white Christmas you might say? Well, I’ll take without the white stuff if it means not spinning off the road.