How did I become a house wife?

151I don’t know quite what triggered it, besides our obvious move that we made over a year ago. I’ve always been a free spirit, very stubborn, and my husband was always the one trying to cook when he could and cleaning up after my messes. I hear some women talk about how we aren’t exactly as free as we think we are. This one lady who said these exact words said that we weren’t very free, we were only free to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of the children. That men these days still don’t know how to help out and they are taught for us to take care of them… And essentially we become like their mothers. (Ew.)

This woman was also married for 36 years and recently had become divorced at the age of sixty. I thought of interjecting to say that my husband has always been a gentleman, opening doors for me, getting my coat, and he has always the one cleaning, cooking, he was even doing my laundry! I could tell she was very hurt by what happened to her, understandably so, and my unusual case with my husband probably wouldn’t be heard.

It was a strange situation with two service providers being in the room at once so I let the other gal answer any of her questions. Her freedom analysis of married women was interesting, but it isn’t the case for all women. I feel absolutely free with my husband, I have traveled more this year than any year in my life. He encourages me to go out with people if I want to, and if I do need him to clean I just need to remind him verbally to do it. Like most guys, dropping hints about dishes or cleaning will get me no where, yet telling him the exact thing I want from him will get him to definitely do it for me.

092I guess I felt more interested in this idea of freedom and us being there to take care of our husbands with cleaning, cooking, etc. because I’ve fell into the role of being like a house wife. Now, keep in mind I still work, I pick up days when my work asks me to, but I’ve even gotten my cooking times coordinated with when my husband might be coming home.

Dinner needs to be ready hopefully by the time he walks in the door, I will be finishing up with it so it is still warm for us when he walks in. I’ve basically taken over dishes duty since I am doing all of our cooking. I thought if I was ever at this stage where I’d consider myself a housewife I’d resent it very strongly. If you asked me a year ago that I’d be cooking complicated dishes almost every day of the week, doing dishes, and especially enjoying the cooking I’d of laughed at you… Very hard. When I visit my family they still don’t believe it, and I’d love to cook for them because it is one of my huge things of pride and discovery for me. My mother never really cooked for us, she really didn’t like it and since we never cooked at home there was not much for us to ever clean. The basics of how to cook was self-taught to myself by trial and error, and amazingly once I started cooking, there was this natural ability to make really tasty dishes.

Now the question of how I became a housewife I think is easiest to be explained by our move and my need to adapt and still feel important without a job. I wanted to be able to do something while I was job searching and though I assumed I wouldn’t be good at cooking, I still decided to give it a try. Now that I have a job the act of cooking, strangely enough, gives me a sort of stress relief after working even when my body is sore from massaging. I don’t know quite how I got to this point I’m at now… But I don’t mind being here.

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Choosing strength over worry

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt feels like its been forever since my husband was notified about the news of his job ending at the end of the year. He has processed it far better than I have, and he has decided to take charge and do everything in his power to prepare to pick his next job. We are both worries, him and I, so I was surprised that he has been handling it as well as he has. My husband has been reading career books, and even has a huge file of the materials he’s accumulated.

All I could do in the beginning was be consumed by the worry, the worry of us running out of money, him not finding a job, so much adding up that at times I felt like I was under a rip current from all of my anxiety. I struggled to get back to normal, but I kept on getting thrown around in the strong current.

Just a week after the news I had a preplanned trip to travel with my brother on our first brother/sister adventure together and I think that this helped me to get back to myself. I laughed more than I had in what felt like years, and it definitely felt cathartic to let all of that pent-up negative energy out in the form of laughter. My brother and I had a great time together and though I came back still worried, I felt like I might be handling it better.

It’s amazing how different I am from when I first moved away from my family and friends, because if given a chance for my husband to take back a job where we used to live, I wouldn’t exactly jump at it. After all of this time I spent fighting our move here and wishing I could go back, I don’t wish for that now. It’s only after the fact and after I accepted our move that I realized the truth… That this move was a very good thing for the both of us. I’ve grown leaps and bounds, teaching myself to cook when before I would burn the water when I had boiling water on the stove and Id run away because I didn’t know what to do to fix it. There’s other things that I’ve grown in, and even my whole body has changed with my weight loss thanks to my dedication to cook and track what I eat.

I don’t want to blame things, people, or circumstances for what I’m going through or the emotions that I feel. Lately even though my husband’s job loss is scary and imminent, I feel like I’ve been even more loving to him and I’m leaning on him more. He asked me if I trusted him to get another job, to choose correctly for what he’d be doing or where we might be going. Normally I’d answer, “Sure, I trust you but I don’t trust the world out there” yet now I’m just answering with just “I trust you.” For all that he and I have been through since saying those simple words “I do.” a year ago when we got married we have faced challenges and we have also conquered them.

There’s the other stipulation of us moving again, and we could be moving many miles away, but even with that I accept it. Another move may be another opportunity for me to learn something new about myself. It will never be easy not to have anxiety about the unknown, yet I’m trying to train myself to pick hope and strength over worry.

Family isn’t just a word

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI have an uncle and aunt who technically aren’t my aunt and uncle, yet I’ve always seen them that way. And, for a while now, I feel like I’ve been playing a childhood game where I can pretend that they are my family, even though we aren’t, because they’ve made me feel like family. These two people have made me feel special, and like I was important, since I was a little girl and I’d honestly hardly ever see them.

It wasn’t until the trip where my husband finally met them that I realized I wasn’t playing a childhood game of pretending. It was real, and not only did they call me their niece but they were also super proud of it. It was a unique and awesome concept, being able to show my husband some of my family that had adopted me in. We had so much fun spending time with them, a lot of laughs, and I appreciated the time we got to spend with them.

214Now, I will be traveling back to visit them with my brother, which is something I’ve always wanted to do. My brother has asked me since I was a teenager if I wanted to travel with him to visit my uncle and aunt and I’ve just never felt I could do it. There was the difficulty of getting the time off, not getting paid for taking the time off, getting someone to cover me, and the cost of the plane ticket on top of everything else. Yet, I feel like since my move my husband and I have made a year ago I am more daring, and luckily, have an easier time getting time off to travel. This trip was pre-planned before I found out my husband would be losing his job so it takes on a deeper level of being around family during this time.

My brother has always been someone I’ve looked to for guidance in really tough times, much more so than my mother or father. My mother likes to look at me for reassurance, and so does my father, so I’ve come to lean on my brother for our rare serious conversations. There may be no serious conversations, only fun, since I will be hanging out with him and my uncle and aunt. I haven’t been laughing very much lately, truly laughing, and with being a rather positive, funny, and upbeat person it’s been hitting me.

018And, of course since I am a happy go lucky type of person everyone around me is aware of the change if I don’t cover it up carefully or if I’m not busy I will just be thinking too much of the ‘what ifs.’ When I’m thinking intensely I am one of those people who frowns or looks slightly angry so I’ve been trying my best to be preoccupied which is easiest when I’m massaging.

I thought of canceling the trip to meet up with my brother where we’d spend the time with our aunt and uncle when I found out my husband is being furloughed. I told myself it wasn’t right to be traveling, to be on vacation, to be laughing, when something so serious is going on. My husband, of course, insisted that I go and that I needed it. Truth be told there’s been a number of years I have wished I could have traveled with my brother to visit our aunt and uncle, yet, I just couldn’t and now I have the chance to. I just got back from a trip and ended up getting sick from that so I’m trying to recuperate as best as I can.

I want to lean on family during this time of uncertainty and I am going to try my best to. I’m not the type of person to let people know what’s going on in my head, what I’m struggling with, but hopefully it will be a relief and what I need.

Thinking of good comebacks after the fact

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHave you ever had someone say something to you and you really wish you had a comeback to give them right back? I had this recently happen to me and I will share it for an example:

Coworker: “Whoa! What happened to your hair?!”

Me: “I’ve been working… My hair gets fluffy when I work hard.”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI wish I had a better comeback and it always gets me the next day or even the next week for what to say. I also have this inner filter I try to keep on always because I don’t want to say something that would hurt someone’s feelings, even if that person is trying to rile me up. If a coworker looks especially nice a day that I work, I always make sure to tell them.

How a woman responds to a compliment is almost always, “uhhh… I look like crap today, are you blind??” so unfortunately even good comments have to be kept in check. I’ve learned the lesson of who will receive a compliment well, and who will make me feel like a dope for saying anything.

And, it’s okay to not say something nasty or smart as a comeback if you can’t think of anything to say in return until days later. Just laugh at the remarks and it’ll frustrate the person trying to put you down in that moment.

The Game Changer when you fall

214I’ve never been one to dream of getting married, rather I’ve been the complete opposite. The last thing I could see myself doing, and this is before I met my husband, was getting married. My history with men has not been good at all, and this has been even at a young age. What I’ve gone through with life has built me into a guarded and protected person. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember, I was always afraid of relationships, or even friendships.

My fear was the fact of getting hurt, and a lot of people who have come across me understand me on the surface. When I met my husband for the first time, I felt something I had scoffed at in those predictable romantic comedy movies.

It was love at first sight, but even more than that, it was love at first words. He just seemed to get me when we first interacted, I loved our banter we had going on and how he could keep up with me. He was funny, fun-loving, one of those types of people who entered the room and lit it up. I knew there was an age difference because I’ve always been interested in older men… It’s like what I’m programmed for. I just didn’t know how much the age difference would be, and it turned out to be not a small amount, but not enough for me to give up on what I felt that first time I met him.

I felt really, genuinely happy being with him. So, of course, you know what I did? I shot him down for my phone number, severely, and he left the party. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in a relationship again, I had planned not to and had accepted the fact I didn’t want to be with anyone.

If I wanted to take a chance on my emotions really showing I knew I would have to hope he’d come to a party the next day. And, I’d have to decide if I could really let this new found great thing slip out of my fingers like I’ve done so many times before. My choice ended up to chose the unknown, but not after seeing my husband a second time, shooting him down again and finally giving him my phone number the next day because I tracked down his email.

pongEvery day I feel like sometimes the fight for that love is easy, and other times it may be more difficult. One of you may fall down, and you need to be that rock. And other times, while normally you’re strong, suddenly you need that support all the time. I’ve never moved so far in my life, and I’ve never had to struggle for a job without even a single response like I have in this new place.

What I’ve gone through in life that has made me a more guarded and protected person are my scars. They are invisible to anyone else, and I keep them covered up with a smile as my barrier. I’m just happy I have that one person, my husband, to show them to. I’ve never felt the spark before in me when I first saw him and even more when we first started talking. To make me change my mind about everything I thought I knew, I knew he was that special person. He was a game changer, that person who didn’t ask me to ever change and to always be myself.

When being happy is scary

092

Ohhh… sparkly!

I swear that sometimes when you are smiling people may just think that you are crazy and clinically insane. The reaction to your happy smile  may be because you are in a place where people put their heads down and move a mile a minute, like in a major city. Or, like today, you are in the hype of the holiday season when everyone has their stressed out faces on. This was my fact for today as I navigated the shopping masses at the nearby mall.

I was just in a good mood today, the weather was nice, the air felt crisp, and it was just one of those ‘wake up on the right side of the bed’ days. The traffic was heavy and craziness, of course, because the countdown for Christmas day is almost upon us. Even the traffic couldn’t deter me in my good mood and I sang abbreviated Christmas songs, “the traffic outside is frightful, but inside my car it’s warm and delightful, and it is not going to snow, so let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Inside the store it was serious holiday freak out and the anxiety was palpable. Last minute shoppers were in their element, though I do hear a “merry Christmas to you” as I walked in the door with a woman who had the door held open for her.

Every single person I made eye contact with today I smiled at, and I think this may have freaked out more than one person. I say this because the look I got back in return was a “what the hell are you smiling at?!” I remember from when I spent time in a major city. Everyone was so preoccupied, and there was more than one unhappy shopper. They were returning things, using coupons they couldn’t use, and one lady made a ‘I want to blow my brains out’ gesture to me. She was ahead of me in the line, returning a ton of things and I mentioned a sale going on and she looked back at me and did the blow my brains out reference.

Even her bad mood couldn’t rub off on me and I made sure to thoroughly thank every person who I bought stuff from. I remember working retail as a massage therapist and I know how people can get during the holidays so I wanted them to know I appreciate their work.

091I haven’t been feeling in the Christmas mood at all this year because of the new place, family and friends miles away, and I miss my coworkers and clients especially during the holidays. I’d normally buy gifts for my friends who were my coworkers, which were my favorite people to buy for, but that’s not happening this year. My husband and I are aren’t visiting family, and the gifts we’re giving aren’t much. My favorite gifts were for my brother that I gave him months ago that included a framed picture of mine and a few other thoughtful gifts that wasn’t a gift card.

I know pretty much everyone shopping today didn’t feel the holiday spirit, more like the spirit of stress. I’m hoping at least one person I smiled at wasn’t creeped out and felt some of my good Christmas vibes.

Shy as can be, that was me

I’ve been described by people who they think know me from when I was in grade school, college, and when I was being homeschooled as sheltered and super shy. They tend to make the assumption that being homeschooled I was absolutely sheltered and being in college I might have been shy because I was very quiet in the classroom. What they didn’t know was that as I was homeschooled I volunteered for so many places, went to England, and did ‘field trips’ all the time which led me to an airplane flying all over the place. I was quiet in my classes because I wanted to hear what the teachers were saying, and I was pretty much an honor roll student in college.

I will admit I am probably a mixture of an introvert and an extrovert. I’d much rather be quiet and watch people interact to understand them rather than flapping my gums and listening to myself talk. My clients rarely discovered anything about my personal life, even if they had been seeing me for 3-4 years. I preferred if they wanted to talk listening to what was going on in their lives and can get uncomfortable with someone purposefully trying to pry into mine.

I absolutely love dancing and will do it at anytime, anywhere, even if people are staring at me. I know whenever I’ve tried to go dancing with friends they practically have to be drunk and I am sober and kicking it whenever I hear a good beat. Public speaking is something I get a kick out of. It’s thrilling when I prepare for it and I’m ready to deliver my heart is racing like I’m getting ready to jump a fence with my horse. I get a sense of accomplishment I can’t quite describe when I speak in front of a bunch of people and I do a great job at it. The last time I did that was with people I knew and I made my very own massage class, which went so well that I was definitely super pumped about it.

I also did two poetry readings at a poetry slam where they were encouraged to boo the readers off the stage. I heard someone hiss when I was speaking, I lost my train of thought and paused, and then kept on with the poem I memorized for it. That was such an empowering experience to keep on with my poem even after someone hissed at me and then the claps I heard after I was done just made it that much sweeter.

I don’t make friends easily, I don’t keep friends generally and I don’t let them into what’s going on in my life unless if I feel the time is right. This isn’t to say I’m not nice to people, I am more than welcoming but letting someone into my heart is really hard. I’m maybe not shy, but I certainly am guarded.

What to do with premature purchasing

I have a problem, though I do think that it isn’t too terrible of a problem to have. I like to buy things far in advance, and when it comes to birthdays and Christmas presents I can sometimes do it six months away from the holiday or event.

I especially seem to do this with my brother, because besides my husband, who is impossible to buy for, my brother is my favorite person to buy for. He also can be the most frustrating since that if he doesn’t like something he won’t hesitate to tell you straight to your face that you were dumb for getting it. I once got him this gift card for Christmas, I was very excited, asked him if he might be interested, and then 10 minutes after I bought it he asked for something else instead of what I got him.

Hmmm, well, no, you are out of luck and so am I. You can’t return gift cards and I was so furious that basically I gave some “uh huhs” and quickly hung up. He later apologized in his own way for what he did but I went from being super excited at finding a neat gift card idea to kicking myself in the butt for being so happy when he changed his mind after I had bought it.

This year I’ve really out done myself, except that I gave him all of his gifts way before Christmas and his birthday.

I couldn’t play the excuse of us being separated by miles with not getting him something, I don’t know if I will see my brother, or my family, or my husband’s family for Christmas so everything is up in the air. I want my brother to have his fabulous gifts and for once in my entire career of getting him stuff I didn’t get him one gift card. And you know what? He loved all of my gifts I gave him and it meant even more because what I got him took a lot of thought, time, and effort on my part. Also, it kind of helps when the gift isn’t just a piece of plastic but something tangible he can use or have for many years.

Now though Christmas and birthday shopping is done and the holiday season hasn’t even come around. While my brother’s gifts are completed, I don’t have a clue what to get my husband, or my mom, for Christmas. My mother is the most difficult person to buy stuff for because one second she will tell you she doesn’t want anything, and the next second she’s asking you why you didn’t get her anything more. While my husband is difficult since he buys everything he might want which means you can’t really get him that much.

I also don’t have my co-workers to buy Christmas gifts for and I’m not going to lie, that does make me sad. Buying my co-workers gifts for Christmas and making Christmas cards for the people I worked with was some of my favorite stuff to do for the season. Especially since I don’t like Christmas that much anyways because my family’s biggest fights, and tragedies, always seemed to happen around the holidays.

I think that my premature purchasing is helpful to avoid the holiday rush and to stay ahead of the game.

For the love of the blog

It may sound strange for me to admit and say this but I have been blogging since I was in my teens and I used to make webpages for fun. And, there’s always been this great thing about it that I can’t seem to get away from and that always draws me back into doing it. When it came to this particular blog I loved coming across other writer’s written words and how you can make relationships with it. My fellow bloggers who have commented on my posts, followed me, and been there to support me have been part of the reason why the move is more manageable. I still talk, and connect, even though I’m miles from home.

I think that having a positive attitude is a great thing, but I also understand that life is real, it is raw, and it is unpredictable. I love my family but I’m aware of our differences, and when things have gone horribly wrong, or when they are out of line. I have less of those problems with my move and there’s hardly any fighting whatsoever, maybe a couple of disagreements, but nothing major.

I’m currently a hard worker caught up in unemployment, searching for jobs and keeping a positive outlook. Scouring blogs on here I see many people going through the same thing, the frustration, and waiting game of getting yourself employed again. I’ve taken up horses again which I’m not sure I would do if I was back ‘home.’ I also am loving fishing with my husband even though he threatens to eat the fish I just want to let them go. And, I generally win because you do not want to be eat fish from where we’re fishing.

I love this and appreciate my followers, even though I’m writing to figure things out, to vent, or just to let off some steam. I’m happy for my friendships I’ve gained and how interconnected blogging makes everything.

 

Sibling Rivalries and their Evolution

I am lucky enough to have a sibling, my comrade in the craziness that is my family, my ally when my mother is being unreasonable, and I’m very happy to have him. Growing up I guess I wasn’t aware of this and we weren’t that close. My brother has another sister who isn’t my sister, me and my brother are both half brother/sister but really that makes not a damn bit of difference to me. Whenever I introduce my brother he has always been my brother, that half stuff never gets in a conversation because he and I are will always be brother and sister. But, growing up he did bring it up and would say he favored his older sister over me.

To which, how do you respond as a younger sister who only has him. “Oh, yeah, well… if I had a sister I’d like her better than you but I don’t so there!” 

Hmmm, I’m thinking that doesn’t work and it certainly had no effect whatsoever. We fought, bickered, he play fought and rough housed with me like I was a younger boy rather than a little girl. He was so much taller than me, and so much bigger and stronger that I’d end up getting hurt every time. And, I’d try to get my mom to step in to stop him but she just told me not to pay attention when he was teasing me. Which, would work if he wasn’t chasing after me and tripping me and you can’t walk away when he’s got you in a head lock.

Ah, but, my mom was an only child so I think she never got the dynamics of a sibling relationship. He said mean hurtful things, I said mean things back, and that’s just how things seem to work when you are younger.

With my brother and I getting older I do appreciate him and our relationship more. I look to him as a father figure sometimes because he’s always been so protective of me much more so than my own father. My brother never liked me dating and couldn’t believe I was doing it. When I’ve gone through the toughest times in my life he’s been there to talk to me about it and help me through it. I’m so proud of him for being a manager and for all the hard work he’s done with his career and his job. I’m proud of him for eating healthy and exercising and he is such a great boyfriend to the women he’s had in relationships. He seems like he isn’t that sensitive but he really is, and he is extremely sentimental too almost as much as me.

He’s funny, and so goofy, and he cracks me up constantly. He’s the only person to dub me a nickname for years and years and the nicknames have changed with our relationship changing. I want to be there for him for all of his successes but also for all of his missteps too, to be there through everything. I want to spoil my brother with his birthdays and Christmas because we are such a small family and because his birthday gets lumped into Christmas and I want him to have both separate.

I was so happy to have him at my wedding, and it made it even more special to see him smiling and he seemed like he was happy for me. There are so many pictures of me and my brother grinning on my wedding, acting goofy, and having a good time. Our families joined together that day, my hubby’s and mine, and it couldn’t have gone any smoother. I love my husband’s family and they are so accepting of me and kind to me, and everyone got along perfectly with meeting each other for the first time ever.

Plus, my brother is going to be the first from my family visiting me and that has me super excited and glad too. Even though he’s coming down for a football game he’ll be around my area for a few days so I’m ecstatic I get to show him around and that he’s coming here.