When your family doesn’t want to see you

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that has mainly had stomach churning dips that are never ending. There’s been a move, my husband’s surgery, my husband still jobless two years later, and my brother getting engaged. I feel like I can’t fully exhale because something else is just looming to punch me in my stomach for good measure if I try to catch my breath.

There has been a plan to visit my family that got dashed because it was my idea when to see them because I could get cheap plane tickets. Now, I’m staying in the city so that I can explore it for the first time ever while they can either decide to see me, or not see me. Yesterday both my mother and my father told me to cancel my hotel, plane tickets, because what was the point of my trip? It’s a lot of money to waste on sightseeing and that they didn’t want me to come.

My emotions that were well tied up for awhile broke at the seams. I was angry, hurt, sad, and told them that my original plan was to see them and this was my last chance to do it. With my husband being out of a job for so long and his 401K officially used up my plan is to pick up every weekend to make the most money I can. This is my last chance to travel until a time I just can’t see right now. But, since they didn’t plan for me to come and this was my idea I have had them attack my plan time and time again. 

My mind teeter-totters on the edge of just doing what they say, yet my stubbornness fights against it. I have this weekend and two days off for this trip and I won’t get put on the schedule at the last second. And I want this trip for myself. I need it as a break from the relentless working and stressing loop I keep falling deeper down. But, unfortunately, I end up doubting myself as my family tries to get me to disengage from this vacation. It’s a negative feedback loop that keeps getting fed every time I talk to them.

I think I need this for my own sanity to travel and enjoy a city I love and coincidentally came from.

Is my introversion showing?

DSC00156As much as I can fool everyone else that I am an extrovert I just can’t do the same with myself, and you better believe I have tried. Sometimes you just know as a kid that being around with people drains you, and that you totally crave ‘me‘ time. I was always that quiet and shy kid who always loved to just be alone with herself and my imagination would just run wild. If I ever was sent to my room for being bad or whatever reason I would relish in the quiet time and bring out my toys to play with them.

The only thing that has changed about me is I know how to handle people to make them feel at ease. I know how to make them believe that I am an extrovert and being considered an extrovert seems to make people feel comfortable. I put a lot of energy into being outgoing, loud, and fun at work which is who I am, but I don’t have enough energy at the end of my work day to go out and be social. After a day where I push myself all I can think about is coming home to my husband and being quiet and just taking it easy.

005With my job you can have some down time and when there’s down time people expect me to be around other people. On certain days I can push myself to be social and interact, but sometimes, I just can’t and that is when I generally keep to myself. During these forced quiet times I think that my introversion is showing, and I try my best to not to let it show, yet I can’t deny when all I want to do is recharge in peace and quiet.  My profession of massage has me being with people all the time when I’m busy, and if I have a day when my clients want to talk during their session I can get particularly exhausted. Luckily, it tends to be unusual for a client that needs to talk during their massage and even more peculiar for there to be more than one in a day.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve become quite accustomed to the declaration that I am crazy. Pretty much everyone says it and growing up as a kid who was always called strange and an oddball I’ve learned to wear it like a badge of honor. My favorite thing to say in response, though I have many, is You wish you could be this kind of crazy!” Even when I was younger the other kids would try to bully me about my strangeness, and my anti-social nature, and back then I would still take it as a part of myself. I was unique, extremely unusual, and there was really nothing wrong with who I was unless I wanted to believe them.

So, on days where I know my introversion is showing I just tell myself it is a part of me. I can dance, and be goofy, and be crazy without a second thought but when I come home it’s time to press that recharge button.

There is no such thing as 120%

This whole move and everything is wearing both me and the man down a lot. He’s worn and torn by work, exhausted by the time he gets home and uncertain and afraid of what is going to happen with his job. I’m worried about where we will end up, if we will have to move, and the idea of leaving the place I work because even though I may complain about it, I do love the girls I work with. We had a breakdown yesterday where he was putting it on the table of what has been stressing him at all that. One of the things he said is he remembers when I used to smile more, though lately I don’t seem to be… or at least, not as much at home.

When I come home from work I generally overextend myself with what I do. I know physically I should be transitioning to my elbows more with massage, and I tend to push myself all day and try to bring as much positive energy to the plate. No matter what’s going on mentally or physically with me I will not give you an idea what’s happening, and refuse to show it.

I just have to remember to bring that same energy back home to him, but generally that is not the way it works out. I crash, and my walls I’ve had in place come tumbling down, and finally there is that moment to breathe. To be tired, to be hungry, and I don’t have to try to push myself past what I’m feeling. We had a class today all of us had to take at work and it was very interesting, and I found it very helpful. The teacher said something in it that I kind of needed to hear, though I will still push myself past my own limitations.

You can’t give 110%-120%, you can only give 100% of yourself. Once you start performing past that 100% and consistently do that you will breakdown. It’s impossible to keep stable. I think that it is what me and the man are going through lately. He is definitely pushing himself past 100% all the time, and I keep pushing past my own goals and what I demand of myself. It’s what you do when you’re a control freak too, trying to give more than the 100%.

It’s frustrating because I don’t know how to help. With him there’s nothing I can do besides support him and his decision and go with it. He said something last night, as we were sitting across from each other which stuck me. He said, “You didn’t ask to be dragged into this crap.” Referring to his job, the possible move, not knowing where we are going to be, and if I will have to look for another job and give up where I work and more.

And, I just kind of laughed, and said it didn’t matter if I didn’t ask to be a part of it. I was a part of his life, and he was a part of mine, and whatever crap we had to face we’d do it together. That is what relationships are for, through the triumphs, and through the worst of times, you look to each other for strength through your times of darkness and light. It’s just right now this is one of those worst of times, and it breaks my heart because he can’t even get excited about his favorite holiday. I’m supposed to be the Scrooge of this relationship, yet here I am, with pretty much all of my shopping done and the stuff I don’t have done I have a plan. He and I don’t even know if we will be able to see his family for Christmas. If we will be at another place by then, moved far away.

He’s so worried about me, and I’m so worried about him, so we end up worrying ourselves to death. It’s hard to let go, and to try to tell yourself it isn’t for you to control.

Don’t assume I don’t have an education

I had a client yesterday who was a rare find for me to come across in my career… he was a talker. Now, I don’t mind talking, but pretty much 99.9% of my clients don’t like to talk during the treatment. Those who are in the .1% can talk about a wide range of things, yet you can group them into a couple of groups and they will fall into that.

Group A- I want to ask about your personal life

Group B- I want to talk about what’s going wrong in my life

Group C- I want to talk randomly about everything

I’d say a lot of my talkers want to talk about themselves, or if they are one who keeps on questioning about my own life, I will try to make the conversation be more about them. I don’t even like talking about my personal life to my co-workers, let alone a stranger I just met. The worst is when they get you to talk about your personal life and then start judging you. This drives me nuts, I just can’t stand people judging me especially when they absolutely don’t know me.

My guy yesterday was a definite talker. I haven’t come across a talker in a while, and with guys I find I’m not as much at ease talking to them as I am with my women clients. I’ve had some guy talkers have their conversations go into some weird places and it can make me uncomfortable. This is even rarer than coming across someone who wants to talk, but it’s happened before.

So, we were talking and he was a Group A. Wanted to know everything about me and this profession. How many hours I needed for massage school, if I went to massage school, if I needed liability insurance, how many different massage techniques are out there, what are the differences between chiropractic massage and massage in a spa, can massage be covered by health insurance. Whatever you can think of to ask me about massage he probably asked me. Clients in general might be a little bit curious, and he was definitely way past just a couple of questions about my career.

Then, he made an assumption I hadn’t heard before. “So, you went straight from High School into Massage School.”

I corrected his assumption, I let him know that I was in both college and massage school at the same time. Not only was I doing both of these at the same time (while juggling being in massage school full time, basically 5 days a week at 8 hours a day) I finished both massage school and college at the same time, in the same month. He then asked me why I didn’t continue with college and finish my Bachelor’s. I told him the truth, I just didn’t want to be bogged down by $30,000 or more in debt with a degree I may, or may not, be able to use. While I’ve been using my massage degree and license since I finished school.

Everyone who comes across me in this career think that this is just something I’m doing until I can’t do it anymore. I know this is the route I am taking even if I don’t want to admit it. Massage is physically demanding and tough on my body. It’s just that in the end the love I have for this career makes it worth the physical exertion I put myself through, which is true especially on the weekends.

The Retail Smack down

The thing about our season where we are focused on Christmas (which happens right after Halloween) is that everyone gets so dirty with what they do. One of my girls I liked yesterday ended up changing my retail to her underneath my nose. I came across it just because I had a feeling about it and confronted her about it. I don’t think either of us suggested the product, but I already had a manager fix one of my big retail mess-ups where yet again it was put underneath someone else, not me.

Now, with that, I did go up to my client while she was searching through some of the face stuff and helped her from grabbing something I don’t think would be right for her skin. I double checked and saw it was underneath another person, which upset me. So, I had it changed and didn’t want to have another thing changed on top of it.

We get so emotional about it and feelings get hurt with the retail and fights break out. It gets worse during the holiday season so instead of just dealing with holiday stress, now you have to worry about screwing-you-over-stress.

Plus, we have this holiday game and anything to do with games and we get a little crazy. I have not done or finished any little square on our game, while others are just breezing through it. It’s just a little frustrating when you trust the people you work with but suddenly everyone is turning on everyone because they want their numbers to be the best. That is probably one of the things I least like about my work, we always seem to be fighting against each other when it comes to that.

I don’t blame anyone. Raises are done because of retail, and supposedly ‘paid vacation.’ When we don’t sell retail, or fall behind, or someone takes it and puts it under them, they literally are taking money out of our paycheck for when we get our next reviews.

The Difficult Decision Delayed

The man has been all worked up about the decision that may have to be made about his work and us moving. We’ve known for a while that it is possible, but having him have the interview makes it a lot more real for us. So, he is mainly worried about me and how I’m going to live without my family being nearby.

As much as I complain about them, and as much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I do love my family, depending on the day. They are like my support system, and even though my mother has all the secrets to driving me crazy, and pushes it sometimes (all the time) I still look to her for advice.

I’ve never lived without my family being close to me, physically. The man is afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it.

I know it’s better for me to reassure him that I can, and I try to do this, yet the truth is I don’t know how I’d deal with it. And, as much as my work can be tough on me, or I get overbooked, or whatever the problem, I still love working there. Looking for another job, just the idea of it, is a huge, huge stress. I have a rather difficult personality that either people get me, or they don’t. And if they don’t, I’m not willing to change who I am to make them deal with me better. I’m a rather goofy, fun-loving person, who is both determined, and passionate, about what she does for a career.

Even when he does get the interview who knows when they will contact him about it. He’s trying so hard, working on his off time, always worrying about his work and even on our vacation to Arizona he was still working. He tries to be there 24/7 for his job, yet it’s so much work that he’s behind. The man is leaving again for another business trip, and at the end of it he’ll be doing the interview. We just gotta be strong through all of these trials and changes and rely on each other.

If we had to move I’d try my best to make it work. It’s just not going to be easy in the least and I’d need to have a job first before I moved. Then, I’d maybe try to do some volunteer work on the side to keep me busy and maybe help me not miss my family as much.

Drinking for me and myself

I went out drinking tonight, met up with a bunch of girls, but I just realized even more that I am not a group person. I am a 1-on-1 person. Especially when you go out drinking and there comes these people who you’ve met like once or twice and they have all of these inside ‘jokes’ they talk about so you never seem to be a part of the conversation. You are on the fringe, looking in, an outsider, so you keep on drinking to hopefully find anything funny. And, to find their babble about blah, blah, somewhat interesting. Or, drink your way to get through it.

I needed to drink. There’s been so much stress with me, and mainly the man who I’ve been so worked up without anyone knowing. His job has been a mess, and he has an interview within his job that would have him move if he got it.

Which, at least he got an interview. With his job here they still haven’t so we don’t know what’s going on and he got an interview for within his job but it would have him move and it’s going to be for the next week. So, he is all worked up and I have to be supportive and strong because he is scared and nervous, plus anxious, and I’m trying my best to help him through it. I’ve missed him a lot and the only people who know that he’s gone is my mom and my brother.

It’s just that it’s been like a year and a half or so of not knowing. And, now, it feels like things are coming down to the wire…. maybe.

The get together wasn’t awful, but it just wasn’t as much fun as I have with just one of the gals when I take them out for their birthday or we just go just the two of us. And, lots of people out tonight were playing with their phones and the conversations were going everywhere, but basically I couldn’t follow them, and it was all about just enjoying the drinking as best as I could. And, I made sure I didn’t have too much, yet just enough.

My stomach is trying to eat itself

I swear, ever single month when I get ‘that time of the month’ is the same thing. The cramps are horrendous, enough to make me physically sick and just want to curl in a ball. I’ve been dealing with this since I was in the 5th grade, and it just hasn’t gotten better. With, or without the stupid birth control pills that I can never wean myself off of. It can’t be good that I’ve been on it since my teens and have never taken a break from being on it since then.

It’s the worst when it decides to show up on my busiest days. It’s hard enough to get through the weekend when I’m feeling good, but even worse when my stomach has decided to wage war against me. And, it always seems to win that war in the end.

Hamster sex and a Clown (don’t ask)

I’ve been sick since yesterday, I’m better today, but I got the most sick that I’ve gotten in a while. All I had to eat was a cupcake (which was sold at this farmer’s market) and was whole wheat. I only ate half of cause’ I didn’t like it, and some ice cream. After that I felt extremely horrible, like an alien was going to rip out of my stomach. My family isn’t the best to be around when you aren’t feeling well so I kept it secret until I couldn’t anymore and told my mom what was up.

She put me in the car and rushed me over to none other than… my brother’s apartment. Of course, he wasn’t too pleased that his sister was going to get sick in his bathroom but once I got inside the apartment it was on. My shoes were off in an instant and my head was in the toilet. Later on, I grabbed a bag from underneath his sink and used that too.

I was absolutely, positively, demolished with how sick I was. My mother did an evacuation plan for my brother which he put up a fight for in the beginning. Then, she told him I was going to take a shower in his shower and he needed to get out of there, as well as her, so that I could just be there and get sick. Now, normally, maybe, I could be brought home, yet this wasn’t any night. It was the night of her dirty, filthy play that she’s been wanting to see for weeks. Someone was going to go to that show. She was hoping to drag me, until she saw just how sick I was.

So, it had to be my brother who was going to be the guinea pig. Now, my brother wasn’t feeling much better. He wasn’t physically ill like me, no, he had just recently hurt his ankle again. He and I sprain and mess up our ankles, especially our left ankle, like it’s going out of style. My poor brother was limping around like he had a broken leg, and you bet I felt even worse when I saw him moving around like a gimp. Still, I was unmovable on his bed and she shoved him into the car and drove him to her play.

He asked for money for her making him go to this play, which he has yet to be received. She instead gave him the furry blanket that she was supposed to give him for his birthday instead. My brother called out again and again for her to give him the money, which she told me to quickly exit the apartment before he chased after us with his gimp leg. I think he enjoyed the filthy play, which had a clown, hamster sex (so I was told), swearing, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Oh, and a live dog who then ate the toy hamster. Boy, did I really miss out, or what?

I got back home without any incidence, but my brother made sure to tell me I certainly wasn’t welcome to get sick in his bathroom. Well, excuse me, but I think I did a rather splendid job of not getting anything anywhere except for the designated areas.

I don’t know what got into me. I’m still not feeling 100% and I have to work tomorrow. I haven’t gotten full-blown sick like yesterday, but something’s a little off. There wasn’t that much I ate the day before and I don’t know what triggered it… unless if maybe part of the culprit is stress. It’s just that feeling of being off and not quite finding an explanation for why I feel that way.

Hormones are a dangerous thing

Hormones make you want to crawl into a hole...

I have the cutest, sweetest, client who comes to see me and she used to see me more often but their financial fund kind of dried up. She’s just one of those people who you meet and you’re kind of like “You can’t be for real… I never knew someone like you could exist!” Just as sweet as marshmallow fluff,  and so we’ve gotten to know a little about each other over time. She’s one of those few clients I discuss a little of my life with her, and she does the same with me. The last time I was really concerned about her because she came in my room and started crying, and it truly did kind of break my heart.

When she told me why, it really broke and then tore my heart still beating onto the ground.

She and her husband are trying to have a baby. But, unfortunately, it’s not as easy as it is sounds. She has the same thing that I have: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was diagnosed with it just when I was a teenager, I’ve been on birth control pills ever since. It’s where there are a ring of cysts encircling the ovaries. When they found out about it I had a cyst the size of my ovary, or bigger, that I continued to have for 2 years. Being put on birth control pills was rough, I went through different brands that made me physically sick and the patch which made me want to scratch my skin off and like it was burning my skin at the same time. I’ve gone off birth control (of course, before dating anyone) with no success. I can’t be regulated without it, I’ve tried and failed.

My client tried to get pregnant the natural way, but had to resort to hormone injections. And, they were just making it too much for her to handle that day. It makes you feel pregnant with all of the side effects and just really is like, what I would think, being dosed with steroids.

I want her to get pregnant so badly. I know she wants it so terribly, and I find it so heartbreaking. She’s only a client of mine, but since the last time I saw her I was worrying about her. She was so funny when she came in, she said she was craving Mexican food and Mexican music. She told me she thought maybe, possibly, she might just be pregnant. And I want her to be. I wish I could make it happen because you can see it in her face, and even feel it in her body she has been working so hard to make this work. My client would be such a wonderful mother since she is so sweet, and I could see her spoiling her little boy/girl like crazy.

My client even asked me, since she was really thinking maybe, possibly, she might be pregnant if the massage might hurt it. If I was early in my career I would scared to do it, because I don’t want to do anything to mess it up. But, massage can be done in any period of the pregnancy, and I’ve had tons of experience doing it from the first, second, and third trimester. We talked about her family this time, and her husband’s family, who she loves, is going to drive up from god knows where to get bring her craving for Mexican food home to her.

It’s such a fine line to tread… I want to ask her if she is pregnant the next time I see her, but I will be so heartbroken again if it’s not true. I’m going to let her take the initiative, she knows I’m so rooting for her. If she comes back and says she’s pregnant, I don’t care if I’m in a Spa, I am going to leap for joy, make a ruckus, and I’m hugging her. It would definitely make my day to find that out! I feel like she’s meant to be a mother, and she’d make a wonderful one.