How did I become a house wife?

151I don’t know quite what triggered it, besides our obvious move that we made over a year ago. I’ve always been a free spirit, very stubborn, and my husband was always the one trying to cook when he could and cleaning up after my messes. I hear some women talk about how we aren’t exactly as free as we think we are. This one lady who said these exact words said that we weren’t very free, we were only free to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of the children. That men these days still don’t know how to help out and they are taught for us to take care of them… And essentially we become like their mothers. (Ew.)

This woman was also married for 36 years and recently had become divorced at the age of sixty. I thought of interjecting to say that my husband has always been a gentleman, opening doors for me, getting my coat, and he has always the one cleaning, cooking, he was even doing my laundry! I could tell she was very hurt by what happened to her, understandably so, and my unusual case with my husband probably wouldn’t be heard.

It was a strange situation with two service providers being in the room at once so I let the other gal answer any of her questions. Her freedom analysis of married women was interesting, but it isn’t the case for all women. I feel absolutely free with my husband, I have traveled more this year than any year in my life. He encourages me to go out with people if I want to, and if I do need him to clean I just need to remind him verbally to do it. Like most guys, dropping hints about dishes or cleaning will get me no where, yet telling him the exact thing I want from him will get him to definitely do it for me.

092I guess I felt more interested in this idea of freedom and us being there to take care of our husbands with cleaning, cooking, etc. because I’ve fell into the role of being like a house wife. Now, keep in mind I still work, I pick up days when my work asks me to, but I’ve even gotten my cooking times coordinated with when my husband might be coming home.

Dinner needs to be ready hopefully by the time he walks in the door, I will be finishing up with it so it is still warm for us when he walks in. I’ve basically taken over dishes duty since I am doing all of our cooking. I thought if I was ever at this stage where I’d consider myself a housewife I’d resent it very strongly. If you asked me a year ago that I’d be cooking complicated dishes almost every day of the week, doing dishes, and especially enjoying the cooking I’d of laughed at you… Very hard. When I visit my family they still don’t believe it, and I’d love to cook for them because it is one of my huge things of pride and discovery for me. My mother never really cooked for us, she really didn’t like it and since we never cooked at home there was not much for us to ever clean. The basics of how to cook was self-taught to myself by trial and error, and amazingly once I started cooking, there was this natural ability to make really tasty dishes.

Now the question of how I became a housewife I think is easiest to be explained by our move and my need to adapt and still feel important without a job. I wanted to be able to do something while I was job searching and though I assumed I wouldn’t be good at cooking, I still decided to give it a try. Now that I have a job the act of cooking, strangely enough, gives me a sort of stress relief after working even when my body is sore from massaging. I don’t know quite how I got to this point I’m at now… But I don’t mind being here.

Advertisements

Choosing strength over worry

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt feels like its been forever since my husband was notified about the news of his job ending at the end of the year. He has processed it far better than I have, and he has decided to take charge and do everything in his power to prepare to pick his next job. We are both worries, him and I, so I was surprised that he has been handling it as well as he has. My husband has been reading career books, and even has a huge file of the materials he’s accumulated.

All I could do in the beginning was be consumed by the worry, the worry of us running out of money, him not finding a job, so much adding up that at times I felt like I was under a rip current from all of my anxiety. I struggled to get back to normal, but I kept on getting thrown around in the strong current.

Just a week after the news I had a preplanned trip to travel with my brother on our first brother/sister adventure together and I think that this helped me to get back to myself. I laughed more than I had in what felt like years, and it definitely felt cathartic to let all of that pent-up negative energy out in the form of laughter. My brother and I had a great time together and though I came back still worried, I felt like I might be handling it better.

It’s amazing how different I am from when I first moved away from my family and friends, because if given a chance for my husband to take back a job where we used to live, I wouldn’t exactly jump at it. After all of this time I spent fighting our move here and wishing I could go back, I don’t wish for that now. It’s only after the fact and after I accepted our move that I realized the truth… That this move was a very good thing for the both of us. I’ve grown leaps and bounds, teaching myself to cook when before I would burn the water when I had boiling water on the stove and Id run away because I didn’t know what to do to fix it. There’s other things that I’ve grown in, and even my whole body has changed with my weight loss thanks to my dedication to cook and track what I eat.

I don’t want to blame things, people, or circumstances for what I’m going through or the emotions that I feel. Lately even though my husband’s job loss is scary and imminent, I feel like I’ve been even more loving to him and I’m leaning on him more. He asked me if I trusted him to get another job, to choose correctly for what he’d be doing or where we might be going. Normally I’d answer, “Sure, I trust you but I don’t trust the world out there” yet now I’m just answering with just “I trust you.” For all that he and I have been through since saying those simple words “I do.” a year ago when we got married we have faced challenges and we have also conquered them.

There’s the other stipulation of us moving again, and we could be moving many miles away, but even with that I accept it. Another move may be another opportunity for me to learn something new about myself. It will never be easy not to have anxiety about the unknown, yet I’m trying to train myself to pick hope and strength over worry.

Cockroach Killer Extoardinaire

069

A bug was harmed in the making of this post. Just not this one since it was outside in the safe zone

I’ve never had to deal with cockroaches before, count me lucky, or sheltered, but I know what they look like. My friend has that as one of her big fears, cockroaches she told me can fly, Sarah, seriously! This friend of mine also recently discovered that she has an intense fear of sink holes, which she just recently discovered and she said they can follow you and happen anywhere.

I am a bug person since the age of three I’ve had memories of grabbing ants (even fire ants, ouch) and putting them in my clear plastic purse. Crickets, grasshoppers, moths, caterpillars, rollie pollie bugs, about every bug you can think of I’d collect. As I’ve gotten older I still have an appreciation of all things creepy and crawly, yet, I’ve changed since I was a little girl. If a bug is invading my home I will most likely kill that bug with a vengeance, they will get especially annihilated if I caught them in my bed.

There is no love for bugs if they are found creeping around my home, though they can only wish that I have compassion the day I find them and I might try to let them outside. If they get caught in our home again I doubt I can find it in my bug loving heart not to crush them to pieces. My husband does not have my killer instincts and so we have taken on opposite roles to say the least. So, when my husband and I went to visit our little pet and he nearly fell over I thought he had hurt himself, which was not quite so.

He saw a cockroach, jumped onto the coach like a girl, and told me to take care of it. That bugger was huge, so I did the logical thing.

Me: “I’m going to get my killing boots, be right back.”
Husband: “Don’t leave me with it, come back here!”

I headed over to my closet on the opposite side of the apartment and searched for the perfect killing boots. I couldn’t find my favorite pair so I went with a high top type of boot after five minutes of searching, pulled up my pajama bottoms, and stomped on over. My husband was on the couch cowering, asking me why I’d left him for so long, he wouldn’t stop hiding on the couch. The cockroach was, of course, hiding as well.

I wasn’t going to be done until I killed it, so I searched around and was able to rush it out but I missed killing it and it darted under our couch.

Me: “We need to move the couch, it’s hiding, get up and help me move it.”
Husband: “What if it attacks me?! I don’t want it to attack me!”

It took quite a bit of convincing but he did move the couch and lo and behold… The cockroach was someplace else. I was on the hunt so I flipped over a pillow and found it, and went into killing mode. I may or may not have sworn while I was stomping it to death and did more than a double tap, more like a twenty tap to make sure it was dead. You gotta remember cockroaches can survive anything, and they are probably like zombies, you gotta make sure that head is off to really kill them.

We then volleyed back and forth who would throw away the dead bug, but I did the killing, so he can take care of the cleanup. My husband then informed if there was a zombie apocalypse that he would be able to handle it. I highly doubt that and know I would just need my killing boots to be able to take on some zombies.

I am not a normal newlywed

005When people hear that I am a newlywed they either mumble with, “that must be nice, wait 10 years them tell me how you feel,” or, “really?? you’re a newlywed?!” They then proceed to tell me how I’m destroying their dreams with reaction number two because I’m not their ideal of a newlywed. I’m not sure where their opinion grew from, probably from TV and movie depictions of newlyweds. Generally though movies never follow after the happily ever after ending.

Our wedding was the anti-wedding and I doubt I’d have it any other way, even though we were running late and playing catch up all day. The beginning of my husband and I’s married lives together couldn’t have been more of a difficult start to any marriage. We were not a story book happily ever after end, it was more of a how will we survive this first storm together?

I keep on hearing a lot of “you’re a newlywed, you should be more warm and feely!” The funny thing is that he and I are actually a rather warm, but mainly very funny, wife and husband combo. It’s just my coworkers react like it’s the end of the world because I’m a newlywed and I have sharing problems when it comes to sharing snacks and those little things. You should have seen their looks when I told them with some of my favorite work snacks I tend to hide them from my husband.

033You’d think it was the end of the world once they realized I’ve only been married for a year with my husband. Yet, what they don’t know is how many years we’ve been together besides that year of marriage. My husband sometimes hides snacks from me, and I totally get it when he does.

I say that one of my favorite things about our relationship is our humor, our ability to laugh at each other and ourselves. I loved from the moment I spoke to him (and I was attracted to him when I saw him too) that he could keep up with me in a conversation. That’s one of the things I needed the most when I was struggling looking for a job, with no friends and no family, was trying to learn to laugh again.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOur first year of marriage was one of the most difficult years of both our lives. There wasn’t a ‘happily ever after‘ attached to our wedding day, only a disconcerting question of how are we going to get through this storm? It wasn’t easy, but we are able to see the sky clearing and things look so much better now than ever before.

Eating causes me pain

047

Deceptively delicious…

The act of eating something generally causes your brain to signal a pleasure response, telling us that we did good finding food to eat for our survival. Even though we aren’t struggling to find food nowadays our brains aren’t hard-wired to feel any differently so eating is pleasurable and releases the happy feeling endorphin. My brain still says, “Good job for eating and surviving another day!” but my stomach doesn’t share in that sentiment.

I don’t know when it started hitting me when eating equaled pain but I believe it coincided with my teenage years and how I dealt with stress. For a long time I accepted how my stomach was a battlefield when food was added, since I always believed there was nothing I could do to remedy it. I would go for weeks, months, with intense stomach pain especially in periods of extreme stress.

022The pain I dealt with was eventually filed away in my brain with my tmj pain with my jaw. It was unwanted but impossible to avoid so I tried to numb myself to the discomfort I was experiencing. Their was no solution to my problem, so I’d resolved to ‘live with it.’

The solution happened with our move and my upheaval of everything I knew and did, and adapting to the life of a house wife. I gathered cook books, with no hopes of actually cooking something edible, and surprisingly not only cooked edible food but delicious food. Now I’m cooking five, sometimes six days, out of the week and my stomach has never felt better. Dinner and eating is something I look forward to, instead of dreading how I’d feel later.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERABack where I used to live I ate out every single day of the week, I only ate one time out of the day, and when I didn’t eat out I’d eat frozen meals. I never once was taught how to cook anything from my mother, and my brother and I were set out into the world with no knowledge whatsoever how to make any food for ourselves. The only things I could make was grilled cheese, tomato soup, scrambled eggs, an omelet, minute rice, and that’s pretty much it. My brother still generally doesn’t cook and I only tried to out of a whim to evolve into a wife who could take care of her husband while she didn’t have a job.

I’d never would have guessed cooking for myself would reap so many benefits, that I’d love it as much as I do, and how much I’d miss my cooking on trips. Now when I eat and feel pain it’s because I have to eat out on vacations, and I need to be extremely careful what I eat or else I’m suffering again. It’s a relief to enjoy eating and especially to appreciate what I cook, but if I didn’t cook it, my stomach seems to revolt against it and it makes my traveling quite inconvenient when I chose wrong.

Judgement of being unemployed

172There has been a lot that I’ve learned through being unemployed this time in my life, which is interesting because when I was younger it seemed to be less of a problem. I was ’employed’ as a babysitter when I was a teenager, and this was actually one of the best paying jobs. It was also one of the most stressful, hair pulling, and frustrating start to working a couple of hours watching three girls so close in age. Surprisingly, or not, I came to love these three little girls, and appreciate their mom even more for her working and juggling taking care of them at the same time.

They were all firecrackers, except for the youngest, who was my comrade. My first step into the real workforce was a dog groomer, for more than two years, and then I had a break. I had a then boyfriend who didn’t have to work, and was independently wealthy. I don’t think he had to struggle really with money, or finding a job, and that was his decision, of course.

I spent more than two years with him, and I would be out of a job for two years or more. I missed working, and I missed my coworkers, but I devoted myself to college full time and entered massage school.

As I’ve said before, massage really sparked a passion in me that I knew was there, but never quite realized how much passion I had inside of me for working. Now, my career is never perfect, my job is never perfect, I had tough days where a client would say I wasn’t doing my best. They didn’t connect with me, or my style, and this literally cut me to the bone. I didn’t make any friends to start off, kept to myself, and kept my personal life pretty much to myself for four years.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThen, I found my husband, my life completely changed. Suddenly, it wasn’t all about me, and I made the decision to move with him. Unemployment, yet again, found me right after my wedding day pretty much. Suddenly, when I came across people and told them I was a massage therapist, and unemployed, I got judgement. Not only did I get judged, but once I let it slip I was married I heard many times, “Must be nice your husband makes enough money that you don’t have to work…

I was told I needed to have children if I was going to be unemployed, to give me something to do. I was told that I was not working hard enough to get a job. That my standards were too high, or that I wasn’t applying to enough places. So, I began to isolate myself, so I wouldn’t meet people and get asked that question of, “what do you do for work?” I was in a new place, I’d never moved so far away in my life, and I was terrified of driving and getting lost. The resumes kept on getting sent, but some days I’d really have to force myself to go outside because I hated so much being asked that question.

On this blog, I could be honest with my struggle, and the people who have been following me through my job, to unemployment, knew how much I wanted to be working. My work friends seemed to envy me getting time off and not working, when they’d ask me if I was working I’d have to reply, “no.” While when I would meet up with them I would envy them working at the place that sparked a passion in me and that I missed so badly it literally hurt.

My purpose had become my job, my career, and not having one literally felt like I had no purpose. Being unemployed taught me to be more forgiving of myself, and to really lean on my husband at times for support. I had to learn self compassion, because if I didn’t give myself that compassion, I’d run myself into the ground with guilt. I had to work at my confidence, and take harder days with hopes that a better one would be out there.

An Icy Adventure

058Isn’t it funny how you mention you’re going someplace warm, or tropical, or a place with warm waters that no one asks you why you are going? Yet, when you chose to travel some places that are cold, and sometimes bitterly cold, you get that strange look attached to the question of, “why?” I think that my family thought since I was going to go to someplace cold, and not tropical, for our recent vacation that we were crazy. Oh, and I’d be freezing, which luckily we had some days where it warmed up… A bit.

I was even a doubter of our trip, I’d never really willingly decided to go to a cold place in the dead of winter. My husband wanted it for his big birthday, and I made sure to pack many, many layers of clothes. And a heavy coat, scarves, and two sets of gloves that became quite useful.

One of our first days involved getting up and outside, which we did immediately when we first arrived and we got off the plane. We talked about currency with one of the hotel staff, and learned about new plastic money. I thought the plastic money was a very neat idea, who hasn’t ripped paper money before and then have to put it back together with tape? Yet, the lady at the front desk told us that the new plastic money stuck together so you could end up giving more money than you meant to. I’ve always been fascinated with different currency, which is almost like an oxymoron because I’m great at money, yet I’m awful at math.

We went out in the bitter cold and I ended up doubling up everything I wore. I had a headband on, and ended up wearing a hat over the thick headband. I had not one, but two pairs of gloves on as my husband and I walked into the wind. The wind felt like it was trying to tear off any open skin we had left out for it touch.

The walk was bitter, but the reward turned out to be great. I saw the Niagara Falls for the first time in my life, while my husband was seeing it for a second time. The landscape was like a winter wonderland, and definitely reminiscent of a Christmas postcard. Snow and ice drenched the area, giving it a diamond-like quality as the sun hit it. The deep rumble of the Falls left you with your mouth open just long enough for your teeth to hurt because of the cold.

The American Falls and Canadian Falls seemed so close, and yet so far away from each other. On the American fall side rainbows rose up from the mists of the falls and the sun shining down. I was able to catch the rainbows, and even double rainbows, with my camera. The Canadian Falls were even grander, and the mists they created made the bottom of the Falls impossible to see.

091All I could keep on saying was “Wow” as I was spellbound by the natural beauty. And, of course, I was intensely freezing as I took off my gloves to take pictures and was rewarded with my fingers, and my toes, going numb. Even though the air made my lungs burn because of the frigid air I wanted to stay there longer. I’ve never seen a more beautiful scene in my life of wintertime and just love it. Trees hung over from the weight of heavy icicles, seeming to bow their branches to the sight of the Falls.

We finally had to leave and catch a cab because I stopped feeling my toes, and my feet, and so we made it back to the hotel. I promptly removed my socks and hoped this would give feeling back to my toes and found out tis wouldn’t work. As a last ditch effort to feel my feet again I out my feet in the tub and put lukewarm water in it that seemed to do the trick. I’d never felt so cold in my life, and my hands would later break out because of taking pictures for so long, yet, I’d do it all over again.

An investment worth the price of admission

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAMy way of spending money is actually to save it to the best of your ability for those things in life that will totally change the way you look at the world. You might be asking what can change your outlook on the world? For me at least the answer to this question has always been to travel, especially to places outside of our comfort zone. Once upon a time I had a guy I was with who made travel easy to do, but the experience would happen to be a headache sometimes.

My husband gets me and my need to travel, and he has luckily been very understanding with my trips back home to visit my family. Traveling with him is fun and can challenge us as a couple.

An example is our honeymoon where we went swimming in the ocean and I came face to face for the first time with sharks. This was about the most experience of my life and I was so excited! Unfortunately, my poor husband didn’t feel well swallowing way too much saltwater. I was having problems with foot cramps so I prematurely crawled back up on the boat and found out my husband had gotten sick. I rubbed his back and asked him if he wanted me to stay with him, but he shook his head no. He said that he knew how much I loved swimming in the ocean so I should go back in, and he was going to sit and relax on the boat.

That’s the thing about travel sometimes, the experience can be made that much more amazing when you can share it with a person you love. Every time I’ve traveled with my husband it’s been so much fun, so little stress, and I love how it can change us as a couple. We learn more about each other, or fall even more in love because of their selfless acts. Our honeymoon was a lot of money, yet it was so worth the investment.

Traveling for me can be made into an experience of relaxation if you visit a tropical paradise, a state of exploration, or even a history lesson depending on where you visit. Connecting with other travelers, locals who live there, or if my husband and I are traveling, other couples is what makes a trip for me extra special.

The places you visit where you can have that connection of meeting other people is a favorite of mine for the reason to travel. I love the differences we have depending on a certain location, or the opposite with our similarities being a fun thing to compare. I even have come to love flying because I always end up with a travel buddy on the airplane and we get to talking about our lives. This has happened a lot with me taking trips back to visit with family and I always seem to pick up a travel buddy when I’m by myself.

Flashing a stranger my bra

No, I did not take a one ticket plane ride to Vegas, got drunk, and took off all of my clothes without knowing, this was intentional. I thought I was prepared for the semi-annual sale to try on the limited amount of lingerie that interested me and was, of course, discounted. Lingerie being discounted is like catnip for me. I’ve taken notice of the women with dilated pupils clawing through bras and panties so I was not the only one.

The first time I came, the line had twenty people in it, the second time just as much, and I’ve learned that don’t buy something you haven’t tried on… Especially with a bra. That bra may look so pretty in the store, like my recent rhinestone bra I bought without trying on with the last sale. But, when you wear it with a clingy shirt it makes you look like some kind of bumpy breasted monster. I love looking at the bra, it’s my first and last sparkly bra because it shows through all of my clothes. I am now wary of rhinestone on any bras.

Luckily, this time, there were only three people ahead of me in line and so I took my place. My turn came up and the lady asked for my name, and something I wasn’t expecting.

What’s your bra size?

I kind of looked back at her, thinking knowing a bra size should help them if I need help. I told her last time I was measured what the size was, she looked at my chest, and shook her head.

I don’t think your that size, I think you might be this size. Let me measure you again.

I said that was fine, and maybe thought about measuring because of losing a lot of weight recently. She shook my hand twice, and I assumed the position of arms out to the side, and then at my waist. She told me the size she thought I was at bra wise, and went back to get it. The bra she came back with was tiny, and I kind of held it out in front of me with a surprised look. “I just am so not fitting myself in this, I mean, yeah, I just don’t think this will fit…”

It was my turn and I took my tiny bra and my reduced bras in the bag with me. They told me to try on the tiny bra, press the button when I was ready, and then my bra expert would be in to check it out. I rarely flash women my bra, if this happens I’m probably in Vegas wearing too low-cut of a shirt. I squeezed myself into that tiny bra and watched as my chest exploded from all sides, and front.

She has got to see this, which was my first thought. I pressed the button, she came in, and I pointed out the spillage from all sides. I went up another size, still felt like the bra had a vice grip on my breasts. I went up another size, it was better, I could breathe, but I still felt like my original size was the one I was most comfortable in. Then, the whole collection of bras were pushed underneath my door to try on in the I’mnotgoingtodie sized bra and I was seriously overwhelmed. There was like eight bras for different styles and to see which one I liked best.

I took a breath, and turned my attention to the two bras and cute little sleep number that I had originally brought with me. All I could think about was the line outside waiting for a room to open up and it’d only take me a little bit to see if I liked them. Plus, bra shopping is like bathing suite or jean shopping for me, it seriously gets uncomfortable trying on multiples and it gets less fun as I keep on going. I tried them on, liked them but didn’t necessarily love them like I can’t live without them in my life.

Then I remembered the boudoir photo shoot I bought and I have to muster up the courage to do one of these days. I needed a sexy little thing for that! Went back to the sales rack, came back, tried this little corset sexy thing on. It was in the size of one of the tiniest bra sizes they tried me in, and it definitely didn’t fit as a corset either. I was bummed since it was so cute on, and all I needed was just one size bigger. I went back to the racks, kept hoping for that one size bigger but it alluded me.

I left there empty-handed and with all of my excitement for shopping for discounted panties and bras sucked out of me. I flashed a lady  my bra repeatedly and squeezed myself into tiny sizes that squished my chest from all sides. Oh, and I locked my keys in my car and my husband had to drop off my spare key… It was quite a day.