How did I become a house wife?

151I don’t know quite what triggered it, besides our obvious move that we made over a year ago. I’ve always been a free spirit, very stubborn, and my husband was always the one trying to cook when he could and cleaning up after my messes. I hear some women talk about how we aren’t exactly as free as we think we are. This one lady who said these exact words said that we weren’t very free, we were only free to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of the children. That men these days still don’t know how to help out and they are taught for us to take care of them… And essentially we become like their mothers. (Ew.)

This woman was also married for 36 years and recently had become divorced at the age of sixty. I thought of interjecting to say that my husband has always been a gentleman, opening doors for me, getting my coat, and he has always the one cleaning, cooking, he was even doing my laundry! I could tell she was very hurt by what happened to her, understandably so, and my unusual case with my husband probably wouldn’t be heard.

It was a strange situation with two service providers being in the room at once so I let the other gal answer any of her questions. Her freedom analysis of married women was interesting, but it isn’t the case for all women. I feel absolutely free with my husband, I have traveled more this year than any year in my life. He encourages me to go out with people if I want to, and if I do need him to clean I just need to remind him verbally to do it. Like most guys, dropping hints about dishes or cleaning will get me no where, yet telling him the exact thing I want from him will get him to definitely do it for me.

092I guess I felt more interested in this idea of freedom and us being there to take care of our husbands with cleaning, cooking, etc. because I’ve fell into the role of being like a house wife. Now, keep in mind I still work, I pick up days when my work asks me to, but I’ve even gotten my cooking times coordinated with when my husband might be coming home.

Dinner needs to be ready hopefully by the time he walks in the door, I will be finishing up with it so it is still warm for us when he walks in. I’ve basically taken over dishes duty since I am doing all of our cooking. I thought if I was ever at this stage where I’d consider myself a housewife I’d resent it very strongly. If you asked me a year ago that I’d be cooking complicated dishes almost every day of the week, doing dishes, and especially enjoying the cooking I’d of laughed at you… Very hard. When I visit my family they still don’t believe it, and I’d love to cook for them because it is one of my huge things of pride and discovery for me. My mother never really cooked for us, she really didn’t like it and since we never cooked at home there was not much for us to ever clean. The basics of how to cook was self-taught to myself by trial and error, and amazingly once I started cooking, there was this natural ability to make really tasty dishes.

Now the question of how I became a housewife I think is easiest to be explained by our move and my need to adapt and still feel important without a job. I wanted to be able to do something while I was job searching and though I assumed I wouldn’t be good at cooking, I still decided to give it a try. Now that I have a job the act of cooking, strangely enough, gives me a sort of stress relief after working even when my body is sore from massaging. I don’t know quite how I got to this point I’m at now… But I don’t mind being here.

My middle finger hurts

140Imagine my surprise today when I woke up this morning and noticed that my middle fingers, right in the joint area, were aching every time I bent them. This perplexed me because my work day massaging the day before wasn’t too intense and I only had one deep tissue massage. Every time I wake up and something I need to massage is not working (my hands, my fingers, my wrists, etc.) it always makes me panic for how I’m going to work around it.

I of course wondered why it was mainly my middle fingers which were hurting me the most. All I could think of was that I may have been flipping someone off in my sleep, that’s all I could come up with. And I had to be intensely flipping them off in my sleep, because the joints were sore and I haven’t had my fingers hurt like that in a while. Or, who knows, maybe I was doing deep tissue frictioning on my pillow in my sleep, you never know.

So, when I walked into work I was less than enthused with my current predicament. One of my coworkers asked me what was up and I was honest that for some odd reason my middle fingers were aching. She immediately concluded that I must be angry, especially since it was the middle fingers that were bothering me. I told her I had a good day the day before, and she luckily offered to help me out.

My coworker is like a witch doctor because she seriously has magic hands and can make a certain area feel better with her voodoo magic. I knew she would be the one to help me at least dull the pain so I sat down, had a cup of coffee, and let her use her fairy dust on me.

We sat there while she held where the area was that was sore on my one middle finger, and then the other, and voila! it was totally feeling better. She says it was really nothing that she did but I don’t know any other person who can tune in like her and make something stop aching by just the tiniest bit of work. I’m convinced she is a magical handed voodoo priestess, but of course, she won’t admit it… yet.

The Prospects

131I gotta admit, I am a little overwhelmed this week with what is going on. First off, we just recently got back from our trip to a very cold, yet, beautiful area for my husband’s birthday. I am yet to be unpacked, and surprisingly through maybe a deal with black magic I have two job interviews lined up for next week. These two job interviews are the first I’ve ever had since moving, and I have been moved and looking for a place to work for more than six months.

I always thoroughly research places before I send them my resume. First off, I google map where they are located, secondly I read all of their reviews, and thirdly I find the place. I try to drive there beforehand so I can remember how to get to it better. Whenever I’ve been to a place before its easier for me to find than if I never saw it before. Maps aren’t my thing, I can’t read them, and getting lost is awful but what’s even worse is arriving late with a job on the line.

There is the one massage job located nearby to where I live. It looks very pretty, from a far of course, and I can’t believe I got an interview there. The location is closer to where I’m living. The second is the exact opposite, actually a little more of a drive but not bad, and they would be in a cute little lifestyle mall. Little boutique shops are all around it and it does look like nice inside as well.

172Of course, having an interview doesn’t mean that I’m guaranteed a job, but it does mean I have two feet in the door. I’m very nervous, and anxious about both and I hope I interview well. I’ve tried the idea of having my own business but I don’t feel safe with going to a house for massage unless if I know them well. I’m not closing the door on that thought, but I know I really do love working with a team than by myself.

Can you lose your sanity job searching?

I think sometimes with how many jobs I filter through on job websites in a day, and how many I know they aren’t a fit, and how little to none I know I’m interested in makes me a little crazy. If it comes down to the nitty gritty and there are only shark massage places out there ready to feed on my blood and cash I will work at this health food place that everyone is super happy in. Plus, I freaking love their products and I’m like an addict of this store, and everyone who works there seems really happy. I will so drink that kool-aid.

This is my problem… at every job I’ve worked at I have been very happy there. From a dog groomer, to a massage therapist, I refuse to work at a place where I feel like I am losing myself or I’m just so unhappy there that I’d rather stab myself in the eye than work.

I love working, working actually makes me quite happy, which I know goes against all rules and reasons. I really enjoy working at a place that pushes me but also has employees who are fun and that I can rely on as a team. I know I want a team environment because it seems to be what I thrive on, having a great team has always been my go-to happy drug.

Fishing for Turtles

Why it’s called fishing… you catch fish, not turtles! A picture I took in the ocean.

I must admit that I am quite the avid fisher woman and I’ve been doing it since I was five years old. Me and my dad would take out our fishing poles, go up to the lake three hours away from our home, and spend hours and hours fishing. We rarely caught anything up at that lake, but it was the only place we could fish at and we kept trying. It turned out to be some pretty happy memories of me and my dad and groomed me into the severe tomboy I am today.

I didn’t mind worms, or worm guts, or slimy fish, and any of that stuff. I liked getting dirty from when I first could crawl some place and would keep bugs in my little caterpillar purse I carried around. I was unusual for a girl and rough housed with my brother constantly.

So, I tend to surprise guys when I fish, bowl, golf, or do anything that normally a girl would shy away from. I can bait my own hook, replace my hook after the line has broken, take a fish off the hook, but I came across something I wasn’t prepared for the day before. I was fishing and enjoying it when I seemed to have caught my first fish of the day. I reeled it in and it came up to the surface and I kind of stared at it like it was the lochness monster I was bringing in to shore.

Instead of it being like that creature I had an unexpected surprise… there was a turtle on my hook. 

The thing stretched it’s neck out as I brought it in and fought me every bit of the way, and also he was super heavy. Luckily, I had a guy with me who was the husband of the horse lady I’ve come across and he dragged the turtle up onto the pier.

I guess unhooking a turtle is like a fish but a turtle will snap at you, and has little claws he tries to scratch you up with while you try to set him free. I watched the whole scenario feeling quite surreal and thinking that they gotta get rid of all those turtles. There are more turtles in the water at this pond than fish and whenever you cast out your line the turtles paddle over to the bobber, bite it, and then dive down to try to see what’s attached to it. I’ve caught all sorts of fish but turtles are certainly not on my menu for fishing and I hope that big fat turtle learned his lesson not to eat little fish with hooks attached to them.

Queen of Interviewing BS

I’m guessing I inherited the BS interview trait from my brother, though I had to learn from my first few interviews that being absolutely honest is not the best idea. And, I’m thinking he tends to be a bit more cocky than me. I am not cocky, though with more years under my belt and being proclaimed by many clients as, magic hands” certainly doesn’t hurt my ego one bit. I have been job hunting and searching through the internet and haven’t found anything close to me so I will probably be rusty with interviewing whenever I find something.

There was this one interview with a chiropractor for a massage job where I was given two pens taped together. The chiropractor then told me to sell him the two pens that were taped together. What I would say to someone to sell the pen, no, I am not making this up.

I also went to a chiropractor for a massage job and he said I reeked of cigarette smoke and that their clients are trying to live very healthy lives so he I was not to be smoking and I was unhealthy for that. Unbeknownst to him I am not a smoker, both my mother and father are, and my mother smoked inside of the laundry room so even when I washed my clothes I still couldn’t get the smell off.  I even told her after the interview to maybe smoke some place else so I could try to keep my clothes ‘clean’ smelling and she said no. When I got hired by my work sometimes I would come in and the manager would look at me funny and asked if I smoked. It was so annoying trying to defend myself when I got those looks of, “Oh, yeah, sure your parents smoke and that is their cigarette smoke, not yours. Ha ha, not falling for that.”

I also went to a chiropractor for an interview and he asked me if I was dating anyone, married, and if I lived at home. I felt so dirty after that interview that I wanted to wash my clothes and hop in the shower too for double duty. I didn’t even know how to react and it hit me afterwards how messed up it was, in the moment I was so shocked I didn’t even know what to say.

I can BS my way through interviews all I like and I do tell them what they want to hear. I try to sell myself but I have had such a messed up history with interviews for a massage position that I’m so scared to get back in it. It’s not normal, the way of interviewing isn’t just face-to-face BSing but we end up having to give a ‘technical’ massage to the person in the interview and that can be super weird. It’s intimidating and uncomfortable, and when they tell you you were nervous you just gotta bite your tongue not to say,

Ummm… yeah, I was nervous, I need a job and you couldn’t relax and I couldn’t relax and you were picking at everything I was doing when I was massaging and I could feel it even if you didn’t say a word!” 

You can feel when someone is thinking, you can feel when they are preoccupied when you massage. Clients I ended up knowing really well and regulars of mine I could tell within the first 5 seconds of seeing them, without saying a word, if they were having a tough day or if something was bothering them. I am too in tune to how people feel sometimes, and that’s why some of my best massages are when my clients let go and relax, I tend to know when they take that deep breath they are finally present and aren’t thinking about everything at once.

I know there are certain things you say, and don’t say, in an interview and you try to listen to what they want to hear from you. They are trying to see if they want you, and you are trying to see if you can make the interviewer want to hire you.

It’s like a first date with interviewing. All of the baggage is hidden in the closet, your best face is put on, you may hold back what you really want to say because you are trying to impress the person you’re with. You don’t know if they will accept you for you, so what you end up doing is trying to figure out what they want and you try to give it to them. I tend to be a blunt, painfully honest person who has a crazy personality and keeping that hidden is not exactly easy. I can be a good at the interview game but that can you only take you so far. And bad interviews really is a confidence killer for me and makes me doubt my abilities.

No nest to crawl back into

If you ever told me that I would move away, miles and miles away from my family but also where I’ve lived all of my life since I was born I’d probably laugh in your face. If you also added that I would give up my job of four years that I’ve come to love like nobody’s business I’d probably be hysterically rolling on the floor crying with tears.

Now that it’s a reality this certainly doesn’t have me laughing but that is how much I wouldn’t be able to believe that this could ever happen. I am the first and only person from my family moving as far away as I have, and even more amazing than that is that I moved away but my brother didn’t! My brother, since when he was a teenager has said he would always move away to some place hot and without a winter. I have heard this for so many years that if anyone would move away, I kind of always thought he would before me. He’s done some trips where he’s been away from home for a few months, but he’s always come back home.

I’m so close with my family, even though they drive me crazy, that I never thought I could do this. But, I did it, I’m here, with my hubby in a totally new place that I don’t know and certainly does not look like back home. There are days I wake up and still can’t believe it, other days I feel like I can just drive a few miles and see my family when really… I can’t.

There are days when I think I’ve slept in and have missed my work and then I realize, I really don’t have any work. Or, a job for that matter, I am currently unemployed.

At times I feel lost without the roots of my family and my work to support me and then I realize I need to make new roots. With my hubby, with our new life, I need to get adjusted and used to this new way of living. He’s been amazingly supportive and helpful with me, and I know it will take time to get used to being fully out of the nest flapping my wings in the breeze. I know he’ll be there to catch me when and if I fall and to help me to get back out there again. It’s just amazing to be making my life with my husband completely out of the nest and there is no way to hop back in it unless if I want to jump on an airplane.

Playing the in-touch game

I am not someone to keep in touch with people, and I have let tons of people fall through life’s cracks like sand through opened hands. My thing since I can remember, since I was the littlest of girls, was that I was a loner. This followed me through grade school, high school, college, and to life now. I’ve always been a crazy, out-going person who is not afraid of being labeled weird and I’m rather proud of being called that too. I’m an unusual little bird, and people don’t quite get to see past what I let them see.

So, lo and behold, I am doing the anti-Sarah thing of trying to keep in touch with my co-workers who became my friends over 4 years of working. I even just recently sent a card to one of my friends for her birthday, another friend I got a “Congratulations on your new baby!” card. And I must admit, I am not a baby person… I’m allergic to them.

Seriously, I’ve never even held a baby in my life. Please, don’t judge, I’ve always been the baby of the family and while people tell me babies aren’t fragile I don’t do well with tiny things. I don’t even feel comfortable touching my friend’s bellies if they are pregnant… yet, one of my favorite things to do with massage came to be pregnancy massages.

It wasn’t the most comfortable massage for me, but it was less pressure and I loved helping the soon-to-be mothers manage pain throughout their pregnancy. It became that really wonderful thing I got to do for mommas-to-be and as a student I was terrified, but as I grew more confident I really did love that connection with my clients. And, pregnant women tend to be the most appreciative clients you will get too, which always put a huge smile on my face.

My friend’s baby is cute, super tiny, and you know for me to say it’s cute it’s gotta be one damn cute baby! This is my friend I got all of her baby clothes and baby things before I left and moved. She’s a good friend of mine, and did a lot for me too like holding my bachelorette party which goes down in my book as one of my happiest memories I’ve had. I’m trying to keep in touch but it’s like near impossible without having Facebook because texting is more tedious than Facebook it seems. To me, it seems like people are getting used to communicating that they are ‘in touch’ with them by ‘liking’ posts and statuses and all that stuff. While me, I am super traditional, I will send you a birthday card and even a cute little package to say I miss you.

I don’t know how to keep in touch with family, my brother hates talking on the phone and my mother drives me batty. I love her, but she constantly asks me, “What are you doing today? Ha, why am I asking you that? I know the answer, nothing!” Seriously, that is our day-to-day conversation right after I say hello to her. Because I still don’t have a job, and me and the hubby don’t eat out every day, she has dubbed me as boring. She always asks me all the time if I’m doing anything exciting and I have been eating in to help with my fitness kick and I’ve been exercising about 2 hours every day of the week. I ponder not talking to her for a few days because she is making me feel like I am really boring, and quite useless without a job, but I still end up talking to her.

So, I’m stuck in limbo texting my friends and my mom makes it her mission every day to tell me I’m doing nothing but to ask me every day what I’m doing. I exercise like a fiend because basically it helps me to clear my head and to give me some focus. I want to have as much, if not more, strength and endurance for massaging whenever I do get a job and I’m trying to tone my body to get to its ultimate shape. I’m watching what I eat and even logging my calories to see what I’m eating and how I can lose some weight in the process. It gives me a goal to shoot for while I play the waiting game with a job.

I am a whimp, in so many words

It hasn’t been that many months (a month, actually) and I am already planned to come back to visit my family and, as you know it, visit my work too. As sad as it sounds I am just as excited to visit my work as much as my family if not… well, more. I’m planning on getting maybe cupcakes for everyone that day and I booked myself a facial with one of my friends. Picking up the phone, scheduling the appointment, and hearing the front desk girl exclaim, “It’s Sarah!” was the highlight of my day yesterday.

I’ve been stalking a Salon/Spa in my area that I will hunt, stalk, and see just how I feel about it. It seems nice, I love their mission statement on their website and the list of qualities they look for in an employee. I haven’t been inside but have walked by, and it all seems very posh and seamless, I just really, really want the girls to be nice too.

I’ve been fine tuning my resume and I’ve been swimming like a fish. It feels good to get a lot of laps in and to feel like I am working off whatever I’m eating since I don’t have massage as my exercise anymore. Operation unpack has been slow and steady, now I have all my boxes unpacked from the move, I just need to put them places and make it look pretty. I’ve been a bit domesticated lately and have made simple dinners, i.e., microwave, for me and the man. Of course they aren’t from scratch or anything from the Food Network but I haven’t poisoned us… yet!

I can’t believe how much of who I was and my identity was tied up with my job. It feels like a part of me is missing, it’s even worse than having a hard break-up with a guy. Because unlike any guy I’ve ever dated I have broken up with my work and I can’t wait to see it again, and all of my co-workers inside. As soon as I get on the phone with someone I’m asking if we met our goals, and how we are doing so far.

Tomorrow is one of my friend’s from work baby shower. She is such a good friend to me that I even bought her a gigantic amount of baby stuff before I left, so I would be able to give it to her before I left. I’m kind of sad that I won’t be there. I love our rare big parties we have for someone, like if they are leaving, or more often when they are going to have a baby. Everyone gets in one space together outside of work and there is a lot of laughter, a ton of fun, and it’s just always a great time. I got her more than I’ve ever gotten anyone baby stuff and totally splurged, but she deserves it.

I’m looking forward to visiting, and seeing my brother again and hanging out with him too. It feels so weird that my family isn’t a couple of miles away, and instead I have to fly to them. I’m staying for 2 weeks because when I’m hoping to get a job it may not be as easy to get the time off.

I hate my job, that’s just not me

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I hate my job! I hate working! I wish I never worked another day in my life, wouldn’t that be the life? Just doing whatever you want, whenever you want, not working for the man?”

Of course, for me I only worked for the ‘man’ once, mainly I’ve worked in an all woman environment with my careers. Well, I am living your dream right now, and probably my co-workers dreams too. For the first time in years I am without a job, without a schedule, I don’t have my magnificent room and I am not seeing any clients for massage.

While I feel like I have my roots in the ground a little with being married to the hubby, finally having him there after 2 months of being separated, you know I’m adrift without a job. One of my girls from work texted me and asked me how “the free life without work” was? So, this is free? Not having a passion to work for, not having a team, co-workers, to kid around with? Not being one of the oldest people in seniority to tease the new people and put them under my wing if they are working in my Spa?

Where I worked at was amazing to me with my last two weeks, which of course made the heartbreak worse because you know I thought they’d hate me. I got cards from clients, gifts, cards from my managers I worked with, free hair and make-up on my wedding day, even though officially I wasn’t even an employee even more. I called them from the car as me and the hubby made our way to the airport because I realized in our rush I hadn’t paid for anything! I was told I didn’t have to, it was covered.

I probably would have cried again but I didn’t, there was still too much to do. I’ve become what I’ve always sworn I would never be, I’m become somewhat domesticated.  While the man is gone I clean, I organized, do dishes, and have even cooked very simple dishes so that when he gets home the food is ready for him. I have to do something to earn my keep, and even though I’m jobless, I have more than enough money to go without a job for months and months, even with paying my monthly bills. I have saved a lot of money from when I was working, and when I did have a job I only spent out of necessity, almost never for pleasure.

I didn’t realize how certain days I’d be feeling almost useless without having the structure of a job to make me feel accomplishment. It’s not even about the money that I make, though I know many people have said that. It’s about the teamwork I have with all of the departments, hair, nails, spa, and being the go-to person for when things fall apart in the Spa.

I like being on the ground floor for when a place opens, it’s how I’ve worked as a dog groomer and as a massage therapist. Now, I will be going into an established Salon/Spa with their people who have been there for years and I will be the new person. I just hope my good karma for always being nice to people who came to my work will be in my favor. I know how people can get when you are new, especially in an all-girl environment. It can be a jungle out there, only the fittest survives.