I have always been tough on myself, on my body, on everything to do with myself. My self-image has been poor since I hit puberty and my family came down on me for being too fat, too heavy, and dubbing my thighs: ‘thunder thighs.’ Really, what they couldn’t deal with was me ballooning out with curves, hips, boobs, butt, all of it seemingly at once. I was always such a lanky little girl, the tallest in my class, with legs that stretched out for forever but with no meat on my bones and I truly was a little tall stick.

Puberty hits, I’m the first one to get everything in my class and my family comes down hard on me for my weight. The only time I lose a ton of weight, almost 50 lbs, was when I was hit with severe depression and had an abusive boyfriend who told me I was worthless and ugly every day. I lost what little self-confidence I had and didn’t eat hardly anything at all for months.

During that time my mother kept saying how great I looked with the weight lost. I remember trying on clothes and she was just so excited that I had lost this weight because as she told me over and over, “I’d look so much prettier if I just lost 30 pounds.” I remember trying on the clothes without feeling any happiness for losing the weight, and for changing my body. My body only lost that weight because I had no hunger for food, and absolutely no hunger for life. My mother kept telling me how much better I looked with the weight lost even though she knew it was only because I was literally starving myself.

Flash forward now, married, in a whole new place, away from family, and currently unemployed. At first I exercised to keep my self sane, but then I started to change myself slowly. I began tracking what I ate, watching what I ate, but not starving myself. I began eating more fruits than I’ve had in my entire life, and having apples, bananas, even trying out strawberries and raspberries.  I’m now cooking chicken and volunteering to cook dinner for me and my husband. I’m trying to make myself stronger, better, and to get down to a ‘normal’ weight on my terms. ‘Normal’ weight for me is supposedly around 169 pounds, and currently I’m just about five pounds away from that. I’m able to swim consistently, and work out consistently like I never was able to when I was with my mom. My dinner doesn’t consist of fast food every day like it was when me and my mom were together.

I’m hoping to get back into the horses and exercising, and that certainly is a great way to workout, but also I know it makes me happy. Even though those horses are so smart and going to kill me next time I bring treats, so I’ve learned not to bring carrots or apples if you don’t want to be run over.

I was trying on clothes tonight, trying on different clothes to see what would work for Vegas and what would work for back home. And, I’m trying on these clothes that would never fit before, and if I tried to slip them on I wouldn’t be able to smooth them over my sides. The clothes look great, my curves look even more amazing than I remember them being before. My belly has been tamed by sit ups and ab exercises I’ve been doing. I just looked in the mirror with one backless, strapless shirt I’d never be able to wear before without feeling self-conscious and I stared at the mirror.

I couldn’t help but to smile and strike a little mini-flex with my arms. I’m seeing my body change and for the first time its on my terms and I’m doing it my way. I just want to keep this up because in that moment I felt pretty proud of myself and… it felt kinda good.