When your family doesn’t want to see you

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that has mainly had stomach churning dips that are never ending. There’s been a move, my husband’s surgery, my husband still jobless two years later, and my brother getting engaged. I feel like I can’t fully exhale because something else is just looming to punch me in my stomach for good measure if I try to catch my breath.

There has been a plan to visit my family that got dashed because it was my idea when to see them because I could get cheap plane tickets. Now, I’m staying in the city so that I can explore it for the first time ever while they can either decide to see me, or not see me. Yesterday both my mother and my father told me to cancel my hotel, plane tickets, because what was the point of my trip? It’s a lot of money to waste on sightseeing and that they didn’t want me to come.

My emotions that were well tied up for awhile broke at the seams. I was angry, hurt, sad, and told them that my original plan was to see them and this was my last chance to do it. With my husband being out of a job for so long and his 401K officially used up my plan is to pick up every weekend to make the most money I can. This is my last chance to travel until a time I just can’t see right now. But, since they didn’t plan for me to come and this was my idea I have had them attack my plan time and time again. 

My mind teeter-totters on the edge of just doing what they say, yet my stubbornness fights against it. I have this weekend and two days off for this trip and I won’t get put on the schedule at the last second. And I want this trip for myself. I need it as a break from the relentless working and stressing loop I keep falling deeper down. But, unfortunately, I end up doubting myself as my family tries to get me to disengage from this vacation. It’s a negative feedback loop that keeps getting fed every time I talk to them.

I think I need this for my own sanity to travel and enjoy a city I love and coincidentally came from.

Thinking of good comebacks after the fact

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHave you ever had someone say something to you and you really wish you had a comeback to give them right back? I had this recently happen to me and I will share it for an example:

Coworker: “Whoa! What happened to your hair?!”

Me: “I’ve been working… My hair gets fluffy when I work hard.”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI wish I had a better comeback and it always gets me the next day or even the next week for what to say. I also have this inner filter I try to keep on always because I don’t want to say something that would hurt someone’s feelings, even if that person is trying to rile me up. If a coworker looks especially nice a day that I work, I always make sure to tell them.

How a woman responds to a compliment is almost always, “uhhh… I look like crap today, are you blind??” so unfortunately even good comments have to be kept in check. I’ve learned the lesson of who will receive a compliment well, and who will make me feel like a dope for saying anything.

And, it’s okay to not say something nasty or smart as a comeback if you can’t think of anything to say in return until days later. Just laugh at the remarks and it’ll frustrate the person trying to put you down in that moment.

My middle finger hurts

140Imagine my surprise today when I woke up this morning and noticed that my middle fingers, right in the joint area, were aching every time I bent them. This perplexed me because my work day massaging the day before wasn’t too intense and I only had one deep tissue massage. Every time I wake up and something I need to massage is not working (my hands, my fingers, my wrists, etc.) it always makes me panic for how I’m going to work around it.

I of course wondered why it was mainly my middle fingers which were hurting me the most. All I could think of was that I may have been flipping someone off in my sleep, that’s all I could come up with. And I had to be intensely flipping them off in my sleep, because the joints were sore and I haven’t had my fingers hurt like that in a while. Or, who knows, maybe I was doing deep tissue frictioning on my pillow in my sleep, you never know.

So, when I walked into work I was less than enthused with my current predicament. One of my coworkers asked me what was up and I was honest that for some odd reason my middle fingers were aching. She immediately concluded that I must be angry, especially since it was the middle fingers that were bothering me. I told her I had a good day the day before, and she luckily offered to help me out.

My coworker is like a witch doctor because she seriously has magic hands and can make a certain area feel better with her voodoo magic. I knew she would be the one to help me at least dull the pain so I sat down, had a cup of coffee, and let her use her fairy dust on me.

We sat there while she held where the area was that was sore on my one middle finger, and then the other, and voila! it was totally feeling better. She says it was really nothing that she did but I don’t know any other person who can tune in like her and make something stop aching by just the tiniest bit of work. I’m convinced she is a magical handed voodoo priestess, but of course, she won’t admit it… yet.

Why isn’t this a career?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAnyone who has been reading this blog for a while may know about my profession which had started out as a job, and over the years evolved into a passion. This would be my profession as a massage therapist, which I did on a whim because it was one of the few careers I could enter without having to do math. I’ve never been one to dream of being something as a little kid, I never played the game of, “when I grow up I wanna be…

So many people who entered the same class as me ended up dropping out. How many, you might ask? Well, more than half the class dropped out and there were so few of us that we were told if anyone else dropped out our class couldn’t graduate.

My classmates that did complete the class and graduated didn’t get their massage licenses. From what I know and the times we checked up there wasn’t anyone who was practicing… Except for me.

I must admit getting a job in this career as a new therapist was one of the toughest things I went through. Completing massage school was equaling difficult, as noted by my fellow classmates quitting the program. I haven’t come across many therapists who consistently do this as a job fulltime. On that same note I haven’t come across massage therapists in this profession full-time for several years. It seems to be that thing you do on the side with another part-time job.

I know why this seems to be the case, massage is physically taxing, but in addition to that it is mentally exhausting at times. I’ve noticed since my move the clientele have been much more relaxed, calmer, and very polite to work with. It is a totally different clientele, and I really did love my clientele where I came from, but they are just so different. Performing deep tissue massage is now more of a rarity than a necessity, and my body is feeling so much better because of this.

lilypadGiving massage is my relaxation time, my quiet time, you could even say my time to mediate and clear my head of thoughts that keep on circulating in my head. I never imagined this career wold evolve into something I love, but I do truly enjoy it. There are many other people in my career who see this as a stepping stone, a sort of means to an end, for them to work toward the ‘dream‘ career they’ve been waiting for.

My family doesn’t believe I should look at my job as a career, something I will do for years and years. My mother wants me to get my bachelor degree… In what I have no clue and refuse to throw so much money out there without a clue of what I’m going after. My brother thinks this career is too taxing on me as well and has asked me what will I do for a job when I injure myself? My husband used to agree with them in the beginning when I’d come home exhausted physically and mentally. Luckily, he supports me with my decision and my passion in this career.

I have sometimes entertained the thought of what other passions I’d love to do as a career: marine biology, teaching in science, anything to do with science, insects, animals, becoming a vet, physical therapist, a massage instructor, and even the idea of becoming a nurse. There are options when I think about other stuff that holds my interest and I have always loved the excuse to learn more.

I have been doing this career for four years, and you’d think it’d get mundane and tedious, yet when I come to work I’m looking forward to it. I’d like to learn more styles of massage, different ways of doing it, and it’s just so much fun to see someone feeling better because of my work.

Unwind me with a song or few

At my current job it is actually rather laid back, and I’ve ended up having to dial back my anxiety and learn to relax more. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need to unwind, take baths, and ice my body though. I’m still busy and business equates soreness with my profession, so I’m making sure to take extra care of my body.

This means hot baths on every busy day and even in prep for a busy day, going to sleep early, and listening to my favorite music artists to unwind me at the end of my night. I absolutely adore Jack Johnson because his voice is literally like a relaxing melody to listen to. I’m also a big fan of Coldplay as well if I want to relax, but Jack Johnson is my number one choice for going to sleep.

Now, if I want to listen to music getting ready for work I pick up beat, hyper music to wake me up and to generally get my body moving with some dancing to it.

It’s wonderful to busy again, it’s great to have a job doing my craft I love, yet it doesn’t mean I will try to go back to neglecting my body and thinking I will be fine. Getting enough sleep has been an absolute must for me, when normally I’d be going to sleep at 1am or 2am I definitely am not doing that lately. My muscles still need to be strengthened from not massaging and kind of babied because I haven’t massaged consistent clients for so long it seems.

Everyone has been very nice to me at my new work and absolutely love the space I get to work in. I just keep on telling myself to relax and be more laid back, because I always hype myself up too much.

No nest to crawl back into

If you ever told me that I would move away, miles and miles away from my family but also where I’ve lived all of my life since I was born I’d probably laugh in your face. If you also added that I would give up my job of four years that I’ve come to love like nobody’s business I’d probably be hysterically rolling on the floor crying with tears.

Now that it’s a reality this certainly doesn’t have me laughing but that is how much I wouldn’t be able to believe that this could ever happen. I am the first and only person from my family moving as far away as I have, and even more amazing than that is that I moved away but my brother didn’t! My brother, since when he was a teenager has said he would always move away to some place hot and without a winter. I have heard this for so many years that if anyone would move away, I kind of always thought he would before me. He’s done some trips where he’s been away from home for a few months, but he’s always come back home.

I’m so close with my family, even though they drive me crazy, that I never thought I could do this. But, I did it, I’m here, with my hubby in a totally new place that I don’t know and certainly does not look like back home. There are days I wake up and still can’t believe it, other days I feel like I can just drive a few miles and see my family when really… I can’t.

There are days when I think I’ve slept in and have missed my work and then I realize, I really don’t have any work. Or, a job for that matter, I am currently unemployed.

At times I feel lost without the roots of my family and my work to support me and then I realize I need to make new roots. With my hubby, with our new life, I need to get adjusted and used to this new way of living. He’s been amazingly supportive and helpful with me, and I know it will take time to get used to being fully out of the nest flapping my wings in the breeze. I know he’ll be there to catch me when and if I fall and to help me to get back out there again. It’s just amazing to be making my life with my husband completely out of the nest and there is no way to hop back in it unless if I want to jump on an airplane.

How do you even give your 2 weeks notice?

To tell you the truth, I don’t even know how I’m going to do this. I have only quit one other job in my life and it was after 2 years, nearly 3 years working there. This, is so much more difficult than that because I truly don’t want to leave my work. I love my work, I love my co-workers, I love my room I work on, I love my clients I see and that are my repeats, I am very happy at the career I’m at and where I have been working for going on 3 years.

They’ve been very kind to me and I’ve just started to get my feet wet in training and being a coach. I held my own class which went so well and I loved every minute of it as long as I wasn’t planning and being nervous about it beforehand. They’ve always been so understanding when I’ve needed time off, or I’ve gotten sick, or my stupid ankle has gone out yet again.

They are a great company and though they aren’t perfect all the time, neither am I. I really do love them and I’m very passionate for not only where I work, but just all of my co-workers who are my fellow employees. I’ve been so sad, heartbroken really, to think about the coming probability of leaving and what I’m going to say to them.

I don’t know what to say to them, I don’t know how I’m going to say this.
The mere thought of leaving makes me cry. I’ve cried in my sleep thinking about it, cried at home, cried in the car, I’ve ended up crying even when I tell myself not to. And, I don’t want to become a blubbering fool, but I’m unfortunately aware of the fact I will become that fool once I start talking about it. You’d think moving away from my family would be difficult, and it is, and I’m sure it’ll only hit me that thousands of miles separate us when I finally am moved down there. But, I know I will try to see my family as often as I can. And, the main family member I’m afraid I won’t see as much as I’d like is my brother because of his work and wanting to multi-task with doing things when he comes down to see me.

This was my first job out of massage school and they took me on as a new therapist and when I had the least amount of confidence in my career. The place I work at feels like a second family, and I feel like I’m going to be leaving my second family.

I know this is the best thing for my fiancée, and it has to be the best thing for me too. He loves his new job and now has people underneath him and is a true manager. I’ve never moved so far away in my life and I’m terrified, and I think what I’m most afraid of all is finding another job where I’m as passionate about where I work at. I can’t compromise and take any place, because I need to love what I do, where I work at, so I can be the best employee I can be. I want to push myself to the limits and keep on growing in what I do and I can’t do that if I don’t enjoy where I work at.

I didn’t start the fire

So, you know you have a pretty cursed and horrific day at work when you messing up an appointment is out-beaten by someone almost burning the Spa down. Now, I’m just happy I didn’t start a fire and mess up an appointment because then I probably wouldn’t be able to hold it back, I’d definitely end up breaking down at work. Luckily, I was able to hold myself together … barely.

How did the fire get started? Well, we have these little tea lights and to make the room look fancy we like to line them up all over the place.  It’s easy to bump into them so I think that the girl who started the fire  hit the tea light into the tissue box, but I wasn’t around for it. I have set something on fire two times, and it was just a little kleenex tissue that was in the way. The first time I silently freaked out and hit the tissue with my hand. Umm… very stupid, right? I figured out that was going to make it spread so I threw it in the sink and had the common sense to turn on the faucet.

The second time I just calmly took it, threw it in the sink, turned on the water and the fire was easily put out. So, I’m a bit of a fire starter, but not to the extent of lighting up a tissue box. The girl in question brought the burnt box to a manager and they took pictures of it to send to other managers that weren’t working. I think they might frame the box too, it was definitely quite a day.

The Snack Smackdown

I’m bringing the smack down on these girls for when I bring in my snacks for my work lunch. I pride myself in a multitude of delectable, exciting, and a wide assortment of snacks to go along with my frozen food entre. I admit maybe what I’m eating with the frozen food entre isn’t as exciting as my snack assortment, but I find anything noteworthy that I spend only $2 to buy when they’re having food delivered at the cost of $10 or so for just a sandwich, if not more.

I bought some grapes, and some little apple packages with little caramel packets to go with them, dried fruit chips, and more. Their jaws are going to drop when I bring in my little fruit assortment to work, they always act surprised when I do something like that.

One of my favorite things to bring in to snack on at my lunch are veggie straws and humus. I never used to like humus until about a year or so ago when I tried some humus that a girl brought in to work. To my surprise, I loved it, and there are only certain brands I pick and flavors I’m interested in. I used to be just a garlic humus girl but with some brands the garlic would be enough to repel a vampire, let alone my poor clients, so now I go with the roasted pine nut humus.

I like to take all the space on the counter when I eat. I don’t share well at my lunch time, I don’t like being bothered, I don’t like being talked to, and everyone knows to stay out of my spot in the breakroom. I’m a pretty pleasant person but mess with me when I’m eating and I might just flip out because I end up being so hungry. And, if there’s no place to sit in the breakroom, someone is going to get up especially if it’s the only time in the day I can eat, which lately has been every day I’ve been working.

It doesn’t help that with our venting system any food cooked in the breakroom is wafted up the ducts and into my room so I smell all sorts of food while I’m starving. It’s like a form of twisted torture smelling food while you’re massaging.

This week is just filled with me working, training, like 6 days out of the week and even on my day off I came in to get a massage (oh, I know what you’re going to say, poor baby, she had to get a massage on her day off). I didn’t get a normal massage though, but one of our specialty massages, so while it was a really good massage, there were steps missing from this specialty massage. Which, means I will probably have to come in, schedule something and get a model to give the therapist a quick demoing session on the massage. I don’t mind though because I want to take full advantage of the opportunity to train. It took me going on four years for them to feel confident in giving me full responsibility for the training all of our new therapists and even though it’s more work, I am excited about it.

So, I’m having extra snacks, healthy snacks, for me to look forward to on my work shifts. I also really like making the people I work with jealous over my adorable and tasty snacks I bring in … what can I say? I’m just a great co-worker like that.

All or Nothing

Just recently I was telling a manager about my retail accomplishments and how exciting it was to sell to every single one of my clients. I’ve gone from hating retail to having it be my own little challenge that I relish in and keep on trying to push myself further with it. I wouldn’t be able to recommend stuff to my clients if I didn’t own, use, and believe in the products that I am using own them.

This manager laughed and then told me something that was interesting, “It’s all or nothing with you, Sarah.”

 I always knew this might be true about me, but didn’t think much of it besides that. It’s almost like having an addictive personality, which my fiancée readily admits to so he’s careful around certain things, such as drinking. When I’m extremely passionate about something I definitely research it, practice, and try to better myself at it or at the knowledge I have of it. I remember the exact year I absolutely went all or nothing with my career. Funny enough, it was after my first raise and after that I made my crazy attempts at retail and tried to push myself even more at what I do.

I basically jump into the deep end, head first, with something I’m really passionate about it. I don’t quite dip my toes in, wade into the shallow end and then kind of get myself over to the deep end. Nah, I like to throw myself completely into it as deep as I can go.

The man can be like that with his job and he’s all in with his job position where he is moved down and has people underneath him. He’s a real manager because he is dealing with directing, doing raises, and taking care of people who are a part of his ‘team.’ The fiancée is really excited about it which is nice to see because he had been so miserable for at least a year with his job up here.

I want him to be excited, motivated, and enjoy what he does again. I really want my fiancée to give his all to what he does like I try to do each and every day that I work. It just feels more like fun than working if you are putting all of your cards on the table, and you are going all in with your career. You don’t want to give yourself too much where you’re exhausted, but just enough to get excited about all your accomplishing through your hard work.