The point where you love your body

0607111853I believe that women in particular can have a difficult time with loving their bodies, because I know I have personally had a very hard time with it since I first got a ‘body.’ As a little girl I was nothing but legs and height, and all I cared about was playing outside for as long as I could and doing boyish things with my brother. Puberty hit me at a really young age and I recall being thrown off by what was happening to me. My long, lean build was gone and I ballooned out in about every direction.

Of course, like any woman out there I was teased quite a bit and bullied a lot. The boys started noticing any girls who had ‘blossomed’ and so I covered myself in baggy clothes and hid it as best as I could. The worst teasing, unfortunately, came from my family because suddenly my metabolism was turned against me. I couldn’t just eat anything like I did as a kid and have it not show. My family thought they were helping me by pointing out my weight daily, but year after year of this on a constant basis deteriorated my perception of myself. I avoided mirrors like the plague and got used to hearing from my mother in particular that if I lost weight I’d be perfect. 

319919_1975714788888_1123630225_31682279_2101631656_nTurns out later that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and this makes it difficult to lose weight, easy to gain, and your hormones are completely out of balance. Even when I was diagnosed and put on medication it didn’t help my weight, and I may have gained while I was on my medication. The symptoms it helped clear was cystic acne and it regulated my period so I wouldn’t go six months at a time without one.

To this day I always react to people bullying someone about their weight, even if the bully is that person. I make sure to say any good thing that crosses my mind, you look good today, etc. but I try to keep weight out of it. Lately I’ve been told that I look like I lost weight… and I know I haven’t. I just don’t need to lose any more especially since I am very content at how I am right now. I have never been as happy as I am about my body, especially because it just feels so much stronger. I had a set goal weight I wanted to go for at first, yet, I don’t care as much if I am at that exact weight or a few pounds above it because my body just feels good. It even shows in my career that I can give deeper massages that may have exhausted me if I did several in a row before and I don’t feel tired at all.

0907111815Through my journey I’ve had I have realized that finding love and appreciation for your body, and who you are, of course begins and ends within yourself. The kind of teasing and bullying I’ve been through for my weight is something I’d never wish upon any other woman or especially a child. Yet, I know as women we have to fight against not only what people say about how we look, or the media says, but also when we end up turning against ourselves as well.  To this day I don’t like it when people I don’t know tease me incessantly thinking they are funny and I will tell them every time to stop it. 

I am not one for resolutions or goals but I did have at least one this year that I will continue to love my body, treat it good, and maintain all the hard work I’ve done. I want to continue doing one of my passions I never thought I would have which is cooking 6-7 days out of the week. I’ve always been one to want to change little parts of me, my thighs, my stomach, and I’m learning to be content with what I’ve got. It’s a process continuing to love your body, especially when it seems like everyone is telling you that you need to fix any flaws that you have. I realize now my flaws are what make me… me, and that they can be the most beautiful thing about a person.

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You’re fat so you must be lazy

I have issues, of course, who doesn’t? And I have one of the most common issues for women to have, which is of course my weight. I was really tall and skinny as a kid, lanky, always the tallest in my class, I didn’t really have any problems with weight and didn’t think anything of it until I turned ten years old. Then, I pretty much hit puberty, filled out, and was told by my family from that time on I was fat, needed to run around the block a few times, my thighs were huge, I shouldn’t eat as much, everything you can think of.

Going from a tall twig to a thick trunk wasn’t easy and I was always angry about my weight. I was angry about my family pointing it out, teasing me and making fun of me every time I ate in front of them. I still dread eating in front of people to this day, and I can get very defensive on my lunch at work because I’m prepared for someone to start something.

Not eating was always rewarded, so at one point in my life, at my most miserable and depressed, I tried to stop eating. I lost 30-40 pounds within a few months and dropped down to a size 9-10. Even at my ‘skinniest’ I couldn’t get myself to single digit pant size and my mother was praising me and saying how great I looked with all the weight off. When I lost 10-15 pounds recently and kept it off the healthy way she even said to me, “You can’t possibly want to lose only 10-15 pounds! Aren’t you going to try to lose more weight than that?” So, to this day she’s pushing me about my weight, how it isn’t good enough, how I need to lose more.

It’s given me a complex … obviously. Just recently one of my co-workers was talking about how she went to someplace for a drink and the person serving it was so overweight, and they must have been so lazy that somehow she got sick from the drink. I don’t even know how this adds up, but it did for her. My fiancée is on the heavier side, and I fell in love with him that way. Even though he is heavier, I would never call him lazy, especially at his job. He works too much, bringing his work home with him lots of times. He seems to always come down on himself for his weight, and looking back on his child pictures he still sees a fat kid when I see an adorable little boy.

I want to take off someone’s head if they ever talk about his weight in front of me in a negative way. I was always called ‘big girl’ at school when I wasn’t home schooled on top of thunder thighs, and other horrible names. My first ‘boyfriend’ was verbally and mentally abusive with calling me names and making fun of me every time he saw me. I hear my fiancée talk badly about himself because of his weight and I hear constantly, every day, how the girls at my work want to starve themselves to a skinnier body. There’s pressure from all sides to not be happy with myself as I am today. But, I know I want to keep my weight off in a healthy way, exercise with yoga and the tone ball because it’s good for my muscles, as well as my breathing and mind.

I don’t ever want to be in that place where I am so miserable and someone is making me feel that way. I don’t ever want any person, whether it’s my family, or a stranger, have that power to make me feel so horrible that I just don’t want to eat. I don’t ever want to be in that place again, but every time I look in the mirror, I can’t appreciate the person staring back at me. I pick out the imperfections, and go “yeah, yeah” to every time my fiancée calls me beautiful, and pretty, which is every day. It’s just a difficult journey and balance of taking care of myself without wanting to make myself into a stick again.