The point where you love your body

0607111853I believe that women in particular can have a difficult time with loving their bodies, because I know I have personally had a very hard time with it since I first got a ‘body.’ As a little girl I was nothing but legs and height, and all I cared about was playing outside for as long as I could and doing boyish things with my brother. Puberty hit me at a really young age and I recall being thrown off by what was happening to me. My long, lean build was gone and I ballooned out in about every direction.

Of course, like any woman out there I was teased quite a bit and bullied a lot. The boys started noticing any girls who had ‘blossomed’ and so I covered myself in baggy clothes and hid it as best as I could. The worst teasing, unfortunately, came from my family because suddenly my metabolism was turned against me. I couldn’t just eat anything like I did as a kid and have it not show. My family thought they were helping me by pointing out my weight daily, but year after year of this on a constant basis deteriorated my perception of myself. I avoided mirrors like the plague and got used to hearing from my mother in particular that if I lost weight I’d be perfect. 

319919_1975714788888_1123630225_31682279_2101631656_nTurns out later that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and this makes it difficult to lose weight, easy to gain, and your hormones are completely out of balance. Even when I was diagnosed and put on medication it didn’t help my weight, and I may have gained while I was on my medication. The symptoms it helped clear was cystic acne and it regulated my period so I wouldn’t go six months at a time without one.

To this day I always react to people bullying someone about their weight, even if the bully is that person. I make sure to say any good thing that crosses my mind, you look good today, etc. but I try to keep weight out of it. Lately I’ve been told that I look like I lost weight… and I know I haven’t. I just don’t need to lose any more especially since I am very content at how I am right now. I have never been as happy as I am about my body, especially because it just feels so much stronger. I had a set goal weight I wanted to go for at first, yet, I don’t care as much if I am at that exact weight or a few pounds above it because my body just feels good. It even shows in my career that I can give deeper massages that may have exhausted me if I did several in a row before and I don’t feel tired at all.

0907111815Through my journey I’ve had I have realized that finding love and appreciation for your body, and who you are, of course begins and ends within yourself. The kind of teasing and bullying I’ve been through for my weight is something I’d never wish upon any other woman or especially a child. Yet, I know as women we have to fight against not only what people say about how we look, or the media says, but also when we end up turning against ourselves as well.  To this day I don’t like it when people I don’t know tease me incessantly thinking they are funny and I will tell them every time to stop it. 

I am not one for resolutions or goals but I did have at least one this year that I will continue to love my body, treat it good, and maintain all the hard work I’ve done. I want to continue doing one of my passions I never thought I would have which is cooking 6-7 days out of the week. I’ve always been one to want to change little parts of me, my thighs, my stomach, and I’m learning to be content with what I’ve got. It’s a process continuing to love your body, especially when it seems like everyone is telling you that you need to fix any flaws that you have. I realize now my flaws are what make me… me, and that they can be the most beautiful thing about a person.

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Let’s get physical, Physical…

hat I feel like going to the Doctor...

So, you’d think I’d have something sexy to write about with the title but I fooled you. It’s time for my yearly exam and I am all psyched out and have been starving myself watching what I eat the past few days so when I step on that scale it doesn’t sound a horn and tell me I’m fat. I have the Wii fit to do that and which is why I don’t exercise on or step foot on the little white stand anymore. It would blow up my skinny Mii into an overweight Mii with my shirt barely fitting and no breasts. This happened every time I weighed myself and I’d always want to throw that damn thing out the window with a wild scream.

But, I held back from this and eventually stopped stepping on the Wii fit stand because it was giving me a huge complex. I’d be .01 pounds heavier, not even an actual pound, and it’d yell at me for gaining .01 pounds and how I failed my goal.

I’d get so depressed about failing my goal, having horns and whistles go off like, “Here piggy, piggy, piggy!” that I haven’t stepped on a scale for a while. It doesn’t help that our normal scale is broken and the Wii fit one is the only one working.

It also doesn’t help when you go to your Doctor’s exam, and you have to be weighed, that you can’t strip down to just your undies for being weighed and it’s winter time so you have more layers on. I make sure to take off my shoes though and every other piece of clothing I can without being called indecent for doing it.

I’ve also stupidly decided I don’t work enough as it is and I’ve picked up every single day this week because I have training on top of my normal work schedule. Surprisingly, I actually do love training and have already sent my outline for training our new therapist to one of our managers because I’m a geek, OCD, and also think very analytically. I’m modifying my training schedule from the first one they gave me to do officially plus I have two more days of training so I’m taking this into account with the teaching outline. It’s one of the things I’m so happy about having an opportunity to do at my job and they’ve finally given me responsibility for all of the training.

Of course, I’ll only be able to do this for as long as I keep my job, which will be until late April hopefully, and I’m definitely going all gung ho into training. This week is just so busy that I can’t even plan or get my things together for the move I’m going to have to make at the end of February. I just want to be done with the Doctor’s visit, know my weight and prepare myself not to freak out.