That infamous white dress

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I was the type of person who could never see herself being married, being a bride, and never, ever, planned her wedding day as a child. I never knew about wedding dress styles, mermaid, princess, and all of those other ways of wearing a white dress. I didn’t even want to wear a wedding dress on my day because I was just that anti bride about it. I didn’t see myself as one to follow traditional ways and, surprisingly, did end up with a white dress.

This white dress was sexy and when I put it on I knew I liked how it showed off my curves. But, I have never really fully embraced my body and I took off the dress without taking it home. My husband had already moved without me, my work still didn’t know I was leaving, and I had to show my husband all the dresses I tried on via texting.

See? Talk about breaking all the traditional rules! I wanted my husbands opinion on the dresses since the main bulk of them were colored. I wanted him to enjoy and like my wedding dress, even though he always says I look pretty all the time.

Most brides absolutely love the thrill of shopping for a wedding dress. Some of them can’t get enough of the rush of trying on dress after dress and wondering if it is the one. They wonder if the dress they are in will compare or even live up to their fairy tale dream wedding.It’s the dream they’ve been molding for their wedding because they always knew they’d by a bride. It was just a matter of when the groom came into the picture to propose to start the gears turning of getting their wedding wishes.

I was the exact opposite, of course, and when I started hunting for a dress it was a couple of months before the wedding date because of our venue. I hated the dress shopping as soon as it started, and tried on so many different dresses that my frustration was at an all time high. I never went to a bridal shop and just went to stores, and only tried on two official ‘wedding’ dresses. The first was so poofy that I thought that it might drowned me in its fabrics. And, the second was the one I would try on, think about it, come back, and try on again to decide it would be mine.

My wedding dress was not $2,000 or $1,000 or $5,000… It was a little over $150. I did not buy new shoes for it in white high heels, instead I wore my trusty black sandals that had saved my feet many a time. I think the thing that made me feel most like a bride was on my wedding day getting my hair and makeup done by my work as a goodbye gift. I was not only giving up my blood family as a bride that day, but also my work family I’d come to love.

I tried to get my husband to go for us eloping, and he pushed for a huge wedding at first, but we found a happy compromise of only a few people at it. I never saw myself in a wedding dress, and never imagined being in traditional white, but I did end up in one. The dress embraced my curves, and definitely showed them off. The infamous white dress and the amazing work my coworkers did on me made me feel as beautiful as my husband always told me I was.

Knock on my shell and maybe I’ll let you in

I’m grappling with something, mainly my resistance to connect with the people I consider my friends from work and at the same time a strong feeling to spend time with them. I know what I’m doing but I don’t know the answer to what I want. I’m protecting myself, like I’ve always done since I was just a kid. I’m making an attempt to push people away, to sever the ties prematurely and have them just see me on my work days where I can easily fake it until I make it. There isn’t any chance anyone would pick up on my dilemma, my fear, sadness, and apprehension about my move.

I don’t feel like I can keep that brave face going if someone was anyone with me for an extended time. I’m afraid I’d crack, and I’m not allowing myself to crack until the bitter end and when I finally do have to let people know I’m leaving.

I know that I am at least going to try to take out one of my Spa girls out for her birthday and I had this planned way before I knew I was going to move. I’m planning on taking it easy on the drinks because I’ve noticed alcohol is no help whatsoever for me keeping secrets.

There is a bit of a dilemma I’m having. A couple of the girls at work know I’ve been battling with wedding dresses and they want to help me out on my quest. One of the girls is the gal who is going to be throwing my bachlorette party (and she requested the day off work), the other is my friend who I first told my engagement. Both girls want to help me search for wedding dresses, both think that they are more up to the job than the other girl. Which kind of gets me to laugh since they are so adamant they are the best pick to go shopping with me, when I warned the both of them I am a beast when it comes to shopping. I am not a girl when it comes to shopping, I get depressed and angry clothes shopping and it gets even worse when dresses are involved.

My one friend our schedules seem to mesh for with her coming with me for dress shopping, while the other gal our schedules are completely opposite and unless if she took a day off work there’d be no way we could do it. I’m thinking about proposing a wedding dress adventure maybe this coming week, but I don’t want my one friend to get upset about it. It’s just we have opposite work schedules, she works nights, while my one friend and I both have the same day off so that’d be easier.

I never thought getting a dress for my wedding would be such a big deal. I thought I’d find that it’d be an easier time since I don’t have to have an actual, white wedding dress. I’m pretty sure the color is not an issue, I’m okay with something that looks good on me. The problem is trying to find that one dress that really looks good on.

The next Wedding Question after your date

So, I have told with much triumph and a little shoving in the face my wedding date to people who have asked. The shoving in the face a little bit goes to those people who wouldn’t leave me alone about it who had this smugness when they asked and I didn’t know. This happened at our meeting when a smug person taunted me with “Oh, do you know a date yet? Probably not cause’ you never seem to know…” and I told her it with an undertone, “Na, na, na, ha ha” right back at her.

My wedding date has been elusive to me for months because of the venue I picked. To get a date in April, like I wanted, I had to wait until December for them to give me dates for that time. Add to the fact I’ll be leaving after my wedding, and I’ve been rather hush-hush about it. But, I couldn’t help when I was asked that question with the attitude the questionnaire gave me I had to quench her gloating with my own self gloating that I could answer her question. This self gloating lasted briefly as I was asked one of the follow-up questions you get after you have a wedding date.

Have you picked out your wedding dress yet? This question may also be conjoined with the inquiry of, “How are you going to wear you hair for your wedding?”

Now, I work at a Salon/Spa so this is a very important question to ask, I guess, with how I will do my hair … and my make-up, and if I will get my nails painted on top of primping myself like a normal bride. Ever since I have been able to think for myself as a child I have despised dresses. This tomboy-ishness has not changed over the years and I find that I am about as awkward in a dress as an elephant in a tutu. This is how I feel in a dress, I feel like I’m huge and exposed and I don’t know how to be dainty in it.

I cross my legs like a man in jeans, I can’t do that in a dress.
I know I will probably still go with a dress for my wedding even though I hate them passionately because in a way I do want to have one for my actual wedding day. My mom wore a pant suit for her second marriage, and I’m pretty sure she did the same for her first so it’s not like I’m getting any pressure from her. Even though I am not a traditional bride, in any way, shape, or form, I still like the idea of a cute little dress for my special day. I just wish someone else could wear it instead of me so I don’t feel like an elephant in a tutu.
As for my hair I’d love one of my girls from work making it acceptable because I don’t know to style my hair … or wear a dress, or paint my nails, or do anything that makes me seem like a girl. But, once I let them know how my wedding coincides with me leaving I don’t expect my work to take care of me on my day. The owner of where I work keeps on telling me that if I let anyone do what I need to do on my wedding it should be them and how I should come in to get my hair done, make-up, and all that. Once I let her know I’m leaving I don’t expect the invitation to still be there, but I appreciate whenever she tells me I should come in and get everything done. You can see how excited she is at the idea of having a free-for-all for dolling up tomboy me.