When your family doesn’t want to see you

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that has mainly had stomach churning dips that are never ending. There’s been a move, my husband’s surgery, my husband still jobless two years later, and my brother getting engaged. I feel like I can’t fully exhale because something else is just looming to punch me in my stomach for good measure if I try to catch my breath.

There has been a plan to visit my family that got dashed because it was my idea when to see them because I could get cheap plane tickets. Now, I’m staying in the city so that I can explore it for the first time ever while they can either decide to see me, or not see me. Yesterday both my mother and my father told me to cancel my hotel, plane tickets, because what was the point of my trip? It’s a lot of money to waste on sightseeing and that they didn’t want me to come.

My emotions that were well tied up for awhile broke at the seams. I was angry, hurt, sad, and told them that my original plan was to see them and this was my last chance to do it. With my husband being out of a job for so long and his 401K officially used up my plan is to pick up every weekend to make the most money I can. This is my last chance to travel until a time I just can’t see right now. But, since they didn’t plan for me to come and this was my idea I have had them attack my plan time and time again. 

My mind teeter-totters on the edge of just doing what they say, yet my stubbornness fights against it. I have this weekend and two days off for this trip and I won’t get put on the schedule at the last second. And I want this trip for myself. I need it as a break from the relentless working and stressing loop I keep falling deeper down. But, unfortunately, I end up doubting myself as my family tries to get me to disengage from this vacation. It’s a negative feedback loop that keeps getting fed every time I talk to them.

I think I need this for my own sanity to travel and enjoy a city I love and coincidentally came from.

My middle finger hurts

140Imagine my surprise today when I woke up this morning and noticed that my middle fingers, right in the joint area, were aching every time I bent them. This perplexed me because my work day massaging the day before wasn’t too intense and I only had one deep tissue massage. Every time I wake up and something I need to massage is not working (my hands, my fingers, my wrists, etc.) it always makes me panic for how I’m going to work around it.

I of course wondered why it was mainly my middle fingers which were hurting me the most. All I could think of was that I may have been flipping someone off in my sleep, that’s all I could come up with. And I had to be intensely flipping them off in my sleep, because the joints were sore and I haven’t had my fingers hurt like that in a while. Or, who knows, maybe I was doing deep tissue frictioning on my pillow in my sleep, you never know.

So, when I walked into work I was less than enthused with my current predicament. One of my coworkers asked me what was up and I was honest that for some odd reason my middle fingers were aching. She immediately concluded that I must be angry, especially since it was the middle fingers that were bothering me. I told her I had a good day the day before, and she luckily offered to help me out.

My coworker is like a witch doctor because she seriously has magic hands and can make a certain area feel better with her voodoo magic. I knew she would be the one to help me at least dull the pain so I sat down, had a cup of coffee, and let her use her fairy dust on me.

We sat there while she held where the area was that was sore on my one middle finger, and then the other, and voila! it was totally feeling better. She says it was really nothing that she did but I don’t know any other person who can tune in like her and make something stop aching by just the tiniest bit of work. I’m convinced she is a magical handed voodoo priestess, but of course, she won’t admit it… yet.

When being happy is scary

092

Ohhh… sparkly!

I swear that sometimes when you are smiling people may just think that you are crazy and clinically insane. The reaction to your happy smile  may be because you are in a place where people put their heads down and move a mile a minute, like in a major city. Or, like today, you are in the hype of the holiday season when everyone has their stressed out faces on. This was my fact for today as I navigated the shopping masses at the nearby mall.

I was just in a good mood today, the weather was nice, the air felt crisp, and it was just one of those ‘wake up on the right side of the bed’ days. The traffic was heavy and craziness, of course, because the countdown for Christmas day is almost upon us. Even the traffic couldn’t deter me in my good mood and I sang abbreviated Christmas songs, “the traffic outside is frightful, but inside my car it’s warm and delightful, and it is not going to snow, so let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Inside the store it was serious holiday freak out and the anxiety was palpable. Last minute shoppers were in their element, though I do hear a “merry Christmas to you” as I walked in the door with a woman who had the door held open for her.

Every single person I made eye contact with today I smiled at, and I think this may have freaked out more than one person. I say this because the look I got back in return was a “what the hell are you smiling at?!” I remember from when I spent time in a major city. Everyone was so preoccupied, and there was more than one unhappy shopper. They were returning things, using coupons they couldn’t use, and one lady made a ‘I want to blow my brains out’ gesture to me. She was ahead of me in the line, returning a ton of things and I mentioned a sale going on and she looked back at me and did the blow my brains out reference.

Even her bad mood couldn’t rub off on me and I made sure to thoroughly thank every person who I bought stuff from. I remember working retail as a massage therapist and I know how people can get during the holidays so I wanted them to know I appreciate their work.

091I haven’t been feeling in the Christmas mood at all this year because of the new place, family and friends miles away, and I miss my coworkers and clients especially during the holidays. I’d normally buy gifts for my friends who were my coworkers, which were my favorite people to buy for, but that’s not happening this year. My husband and I are aren’t visiting family, and the gifts we’re giving aren’t much. My favorite gifts were for my brother that I gave him months ago that included a framed picture of mine and a few other thoughtful gifts that wasn’t a gift card.

I know pretty much everyone shopping today didn’t feel the holiday spirit, more like the spirit of stress. I’m hoping at least one person I smiled at wasn’t creeped out and felt some of my good Christmas vibes.

The next Wedding Question after your date

So, I have told with much triumph and a little shoving in the face my wedding date to people who have asked. The shoving in the face a little bit goes to those people who wouldn’t leave me alone about it who had this smugness when they asked and I didn’t know. This happened at our meeting when a smug person taunted me with “Oh, do you know a date yet? Probably not cause’ you never seem to know…” and I told her it with an undertone, “Na, na, na, ha ha” right back at her.

My wedding date has been elusive to me for months because of the venue I picked. To get a date in April, like I wanted, I had to wait until December for them to give me dates for that time. Add to the fact I’ll be leaving after my wedding, and I’ve been rather hush-hush about it. But, I couldn’t help when I was asked that question with the attitude the questionnaire gave me I had to quench her gloating with my own self gloating that I could answer her question. This self gloating lasted briefly as I was asked one of the follow-up questions you get after you have a wedding date.

Have you picked out your wedding dress yet? This question may also be conjoined with the inquiry of, “How are you going to wear you hair for your wedding?”

Now, I work at a Salon/Spa so this is a very important question to ask, I guess, with how I will do my hair … and my make-up, and if I will get my nails painted on top of primping myself like a normal bride. Ever since I have been able to think for myself as a child I have despised dresses. This tomboy-ishness has not changed over the years and I find that I am about as awkward in a dress as an elephant in a tutu. This is how I feel in a dress, I feel like I’m huge and exposed and I don’t know how to be dainty in it.

I cross my legs like a man in jeans, I can’t do that in a dress.
I know I will probably still go with a dress for my wedding even though I hate them passionately because in a way I do want to have one for my actual wedding day. My mom wore a pant suit for her second marriage, and I’m pretty sure she did the same for her first so it’s not like I’m getting any pressure from her. Even though I am not a traditional bride, in any way, shape, or form, I still like the idea of a cute little dress for my special day. I just wish someone else could wear it instead of me so I don’t feel like an elephant in a tutu.
As for my hair I’d love one of my girls from work making it acceptable because I don’t know to style my hair … or wear a dress, or paint my nails, or do anything that makes me seem like a girl. But, once I let them know how my wedding coincides with me leaving I don’t expect my work to take care of me on my day. The owner of where I work keeps on telling me that if I let anyone do what I need to do on my wedding it should be them and how I should come in to get my hair done, make-up, and all that. Once I let her know I’m leaving I don’t expect the invitation to still be there, but I appreciate whenever she tells me I should come in and get everything done. You can see how excited she is at the idea of having a free-for-all for dolling up tomboy me.

100% booked all the way, baby!

For the past month it seems every single day I’ve been like 100% booked for each one of my shifts, even on the weekday. Now, I’m not complaining, mind you, because I’d rather be busy than doing stupid stuff to keep busy or rather than being sent home early.  I like being busy and massaging for my whole day, plus it’s just nice to be consistently busy so I’m not holding my breath all day waiting for the manager to say, “You can go home if you want to.”

Today was the first day I didn’t have to eat my lunch within 5-10 minutes and run back to the Spa to get my room set up again. I actually got to take my time and eat, which I definitely savored and enjoyed.

I get a break now which is helpful because my arms and my hands aren’t holding up that well to being so busy. My hands have started to ache when I’m massaging and they are cramping after I massage when I grab something. I’ve been having clients who need firm to deep pressure consistently and I’m noticing my body is screaming uncle!

Tomorrow is my glaucoma testing and we will see what they find out. I’m nervous and anxious, yet I just want to get this out-of-the-way. I will try to schedule the laser eye surgery to help with the pressure in my eyes after they do the testing.

Is it a form of Betrayal?

I can’t shake this feeling, this feeling of wrongness, and a sort of sadness, and a kind of betrayal that I feel. And, it just doesn’t make me feel right, and my conscience is all worked up about the whole thing too. It all started today telling my manager the wedding date, and then her immediately telling me to let her know the dates right now so I could get the time off.

Which made me feel terrible and horrible at the same time.

I thought they would give me a hard time with the dates off, but right in front of me my manager (who is the owner) took off all the days, four days off of work, without even hesitating. And, I know every time I’ve asked for off they’ve given me, and even times where something medical has come up (like my lower back strain and not being able to move) they’ve understood and have helped me. I feel the lowest of the low for not telling them, for the thought of having to search for another job, and at the idea of leaving them.

I don’t want to leave them, but I have to. It’s not an excuse, it’s not like a get out of jail free card for me. It’s just my work has become my second home. My co-workers have become like family to me. I love them and working with them makes my job easier, and more fun, and sometimes more difficult depending on the day, yet in the end I still love them. My massage room is my sanctuary and my working dungeon at the same time.

I don’t know if people from another area, the Salon/Spas I will have to interview with will ever accept me like I’m accepted at my job. I’m not sure if they will want to hire me because I have never lived there before and I don’t have experience working where I’ll be moving.

I need to keep it secret until 2 weeks before I have to leave. I’m not telling a soul, but I can’t help the sinking feeling when I talk about my wedding. Because I’m going to have move and leave my work around that time, and I don’t want to face it. It’ll be an opening for a different opportunity, and a new adventure in my life … yet, I love where I work, and I feel like somehow I’m betraying them.

Not Enough time in a Day

I swear, I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve had my Christmas shopping done for months, I’ve had things wrapped for weeks (except for a little here and there present, but besides that, all the rest is covered) and I’ve even given my gifts to my brother and my Mom before Christmas. See, I will be out-of-town, going over to the fiancee’s folks and family for Christmas instead of my family. They will be celebrating it without me and it will just be my brother, mom, and father, and I will be be four hours away from them.

I had to do groceries, I had to get gas, and other things. It feels like everyone is crazy! Seriously. People are driving nutty, I can feel their anxious energy standing in the line waiting to get all my stuff done. It’s not the best ability to have with being able to pick up on how people feel. Situations where its high stress you can barely contain yourself picking up on everyone else’s stress, even if you originally felt relaxed to begin with.

It doesn’t help that after I got done with my trip in Vegas (which I still need to talk about how much fun I had with the trip) that I have to pack right back up to prepare myself to go down to see his family. It just feels like with today there wasn’t enough hours within this day to get everything done. I’m still rushing around, picking things up, putting things away, getting stuff set up, and probably looking like a crazy person.

I made homemade ‘Save the Date’ cards for the fiancée’s family members to announce our wedding date. I don’t think that helped with the stress, but I do think they came out okay. Every day I’ve worked this week managers have been crabby, co-workers have been crabby, while clients haven’t been too bad. I’m hoping the mini cinnamon rolls I managed to buy today will hopefully calm down and maybe perk up my crabby managers and my overworked co-workers. We’ll see how it goes, either way I will have a day off starting next week so I can spend more time with his family so that’ll be nice.

My last Christmas at Work

So, you know, I will be moving away and won’t be at my work next year for Christmas. I will be moved down with my fiancée, away from my family, my job, my people I call ‘friends’, but it’s going to be a new adventure and I will be closer to the Ocean. And, one thing about me I discovered years ago is that I could spend literally an entire day in the Ocean swimming if given a chance. It’s going to be new, scary, and a completely different change but if it’s what we need to do for the man to have a better opportunity with his career, then it’s what we gotta do.

I don’t know if my Mom’s happy because she’s putting on a brave face while simultaneously stressing me out about everything I have to do. Getting another massage license, making sure we have our wedding, figuring out what things can move with him and what other things I will have to move back in with my folks, and lots more. I’m not sure if my brother even realizes I’m getting married because he thinks I’m five years old, and I’m his baby sister. My father is clueless, and really doesn’t care either way, but that’s just how he is.

This will be my last Christmas at my work. Which, would make sense if I didn’t do anything for the girls I work with since I’m just leaving in the end.

I don’t do anything that makes sense.

I got gifts for my spa girls and several others gifts for a hair stylist who I enjoy talking to and a nail technician I’ve known for the three years I’ve worked there. I’m making Christmas cards for pretty much every one I work with, even managers. There’s no point to it, right? I’m just going end up leaving and they will strike me off their list … yet, I don’t care. It’s more important to me to say what I want to say this Christmas through the cards before anyone finds out I have to leave. And, it’s going to be about 4-5 months before I utter a word about it, and that will be when I’m giving my 2 weeks notice.

I’ve been getting emotional writing in the Christmas cards. I get emotional every time my fiancée takes about the move, which I don’t mean to get upset, and I know that’s discouraging for him, it’s just a big step.

Santa ate the Thanksgiving turkey

I know that the man is over-killed with stuff at work, buried with what he does, and is absolutely overworked when one of his favorite holidays is put on the back burner. He’d normally have my gifts, his gifts he got for my mom, and his family, pretty much done by now. Instead, he hasn’t gotten anything done. Our evenings together are spent with him taking work home with him and doing it while we watch T.V. I came home to an empty apartment tonight… he’s off to another job interview and is on an airplane right now. I will be lucky if he gets back tomorrow, I hope he does.

Seems like every year Thanksgiving is skipped over to start the whole Christmas thing. I don’t mind Thanksgiving and it’s one of the least stressful holidays we have, though still stressful. It’s also the one my whole family has off, since both me and my mom work weekends and every weekend seems to be the time Christmas is. Every time pretty much, while I don’t know how that works year in and year out.

I’ve already gotten pretty much all of his presents for Christmas already. I still need to get a few more things for my brother, and a couple of things for my girls at work, and maybe a little something for his Mom too, and I will be all set.

Our roles have reversed, Mr. Crazy-about-Christmas has been beaten out by, yours truly, the Grinch for getting gifts. I’m not a fan of Christmas, never have been since I was a kid, but I want to try to like it more since the man loves it so much. He’s so passionate about it, and like a little kid in a candy store whenever Christmas comes around. While I generally can’t wait for it to be done with and for whatever family holiday fight will happen that year to be over with.

My mother has been saying lately, “What Christmas? How can we have Christmas when everyone is going to be gone? I could care less about it, blah, blah…” because not only will I probably be gone this year for Christmas Day, but my brother is going to be visiting his Uncle through Christmas Day this year. She is all bummed out because we both are going to be gone, yet that doesn’t mean I’m still not going to get gifts for Christmas for my brother. My mom is just going to be re-wrapping stuff she gave him last year that he didn’t want and didn’t take home with him. She was also talking about different ways to annoy him, like wrapping his own clothes he left at their place and giving it back to him.

This is why I end up getting my brother everything on ‘the Christmas list’ he ends up giving me. I know my mother will re-gift every little thing he didn’t like and give it back to him. It’s pretty funny, but they both are so stubborn that it keeps on going year after year.

Why a nature filled wedding is a no-no

Nature even is beautiful on a stormy day

I love nature, and I have loved nature since before I could talk, walk, or remember. I have always been that odd-ball little girl who chased after ants, crickets, bees, butterflies, anything that could run away from me. When I get put into nature suddenly I take on both my mother and brother’s ADD that they seem to have in every situation. They can’t calm down, or relax, they always need to be doing a million things at once and can’t relax even when they are out in the pool sunning. They need to go in the pool, back on the chase lounge, in the hot tub, in the sauna, back in the pool, and repeat and recycle. They want me to follow them going in, out, and back on but all I want to do is just lay there and relax.

When you get me out in nature and there are insects, mainly butterflies, I suddenly chase after them and can’t be calmed until you put me back in the car. It stimulates me when there’s things I can find and explore. This isn’t to say I can’t find nature relaxing, which I do, but if there’s some miniature wonder to found or weird insect to be seen I will find it.

And then, I will stare, be tempted to prod it, and everything around me will disappear as I concentrate on that one tiny thing.

I’ve thought about a nature wedding for a while now because of my passion I have for nature. But knowing me and my ADD-ness when it comes to being outside someplace beautiful I can’t help but to explore it. And if a butterfly happens to cross my path, you have totally lost me. Or, god forbid I find a caterpillar and now I will probably holding onto it and putting it into anything I can transport it in.

The place I want to be married in is stunning, beautiful, but also in the city. The city tends to mean to me ‘go-go-go’ and I’m not as secure in it. I find the building that will be doing the wedding is quiet, and has this… old history quality to it that I love too. You can feel the history in it, from the walls, to the stained glass ceiling. My mother keeps on trying to push me away from it (though she was the one to tell me about it) because we can’t schedule the wedding until the last second. They will only give out dates so far in advance, and she wants to know right away so she can get time off.

Uh… yeah, you and me both, mom. I have to be patient with it, but if the man ends up getting the one job, we will be moving up my possible wedding date of around April to any time they will give to us. I want April because it’s always felt like the perfect date, yet if he has to move away I want us to be married before he leaves.