Call me an unlucky unintentional klutz

I really don’t know what is wrong with me sometimes, if I truly am a klutz, of if I’m just unlucky… or if I’m a little of  both. I hurt my big toe on my right foot a month or more ago and it just started to not bother me as much and I got back into the swing of things. I went to the fitness room to do some cross fit action on one of the machines and then yesterday I went to the batting cages with the man. I was feeling good, and even had my steel toed boots on to prevent any accidents again with the ball hitting my toe and causing that whole mess that happened last time.

Everything was looking good, I went to swing for the last ball, missed, went to take a step, and landed right on my side. My ankle gave out and I tumbled onto the concrete with my bat slipping out from my hand. All I remember is that intense pain from my ankle dislocating, going to grab it with my one hand, and pulling my foot back into position.

And screaming, I was screaming at the top of my lungs bloody murder style.

There were two kids there that I remember their looks on their faces like it’s seared into my brain. There was confusion on their faces as well as just shock after I had stopped screaming and my ankle slipped back into normal place. My husband ran over and he offered me his hands to get back up on my feet. I took his hands and he offered me his shoulder as I tried to walk. My head started swimming and I only went a few steps before I just felt like I was going to pass out from the pain. It was probably one of the worst times it has happened to me and I’ve been spraining/dislocating both my left and right ankle since I was seven years old.

I wake up today and it’s still swollen and I’m just feeling… deflated. I was so excited about going back to the batting cages, getting my butt back up on that crazy cross fit machine, and the sensation that my body was mine again without pain. And now I have constant, leg shaking, pretty consuming pain back again with my left ankle being hurt from just stepping to the side and it going out. Whenever I’m prepared for my ankle maybe going out, it never happens. But when I’m walking, going down stairs, getting out of the car, or even just sleeping, it happens.

I can’t even walk around the apartment without severely hobbling and I am sure I look super pathetic. It will heal, and it may take longer, yet it still frustrates me and I want it to be over with as fast as possible. I want my body back again without that stupid pain that forces me to limp and stops me from doing things I love.

What I don’t want to lose

Picture I took in Key West of the sun setting.

I was just thinking of things I wouldn’t want to lose because of my weight loss expedition, and of course my new life journey in a whole new place too. For the weight loss/toning up/I want to be able to massage 6 clients in a row without being exhausted challenge I’ve given myself there are certain parts of my body that I wouldn’t like to lose. What I wouldn’t like to lose are the only body parts that I seem to like on me, which is my chest (like it, love it, gotta have it) and my butt (also like it).

My butt is slowly shrinking though because of all of the leg exercises I’m doing but I think in the end it will be a lean and more toned, I’m hoping. My chest is something I have enjoyed since I’ve gotten one, it’s the right size, and I’m well endowed which I’ve always taken pride in. Luckily they seem to not be disappearing because I’ve always heard once you lose weight you lose it first in your chest and then everything else follows… which to me seems just cruel. Why can’t it disappear first from where women seem to focus on, like their stomach, or for me, my thighs?

I also don’t want to lose myself with this move to a whole new place miles and miles away from my original ‘home.’ I don’t want to lose my confidence, I don’t want to accept anything that I know is not for me. I want to embrace this life, but there are days I feel stuck in a rut, days that I feel lost at what to do. I’m not sure how to take this new direction, and there is just a ton of uncertainty of what road I want to walk down. I said “I do” to this new life, I knew the day of our wedding we would get married, get in the rental car, drive to the airport, and fly to our new home within hours of each other.

I was aware that on my wedding day not only was I saying goodbye to my family, but also on the same day I went into my work to get my hair and makeup done and it was a heart wrenching goodbye to them.

It took me a very long time to make friends at my work, I’m a closed off person, and I rarely, if ever, talked about my home life. It took years to open up, and so the few friendships I made mean a lot to me and that’s why I send them cards on their birthday and a card for their new baby. That means I need to work really hard to trust new people, and let them in and I’ve never been a fan of doing this. But, life is so much better when you have people to care about you, and when you can love and care about them in return. I’ve been raised to be jaded and to guard myself, which is why I love my husband so much. He’s accepting, big-hearted, and seems to make friends so easily. He doesn’t hold onto things like I do, and he can move past things much quicker than I can.

This new direction is changing me, and I am such a bull-head to change. I have to accept it, I have to realize what opportunities it gives me and how I will mold myself into a better person in the end.

Get back in the saddle

I realized something with my last blog post, something I certainly have tried to ignore and push out of my head and fight for a few years now. I am a horseback rider, it is literally in my blood and my family on both sides has horseback riders. I can see an image of a horse from miles away, and as a little girl I collected breyer horses. I pretended that they were my own and even had a wooden stable for them. I raced them in circles, jumped them over miniature jumps, and dreamed of having my own horse.

And, I got my own horse, and she was amazing, spirited, bratty, smart, and most of all, one-of-a-kind. I loved her more than anything, even when she tossed me, even when she hurt me when she was younger. We fought each other and we were both stubborn, but I still loved her to death. She was diagnosed with a degenerative disease and slowly that feisty little thing started to slowly fade before my eyes. The pain was evident, she limped when she trotted and it was clear she was in so much pain. Near the end she went off her feed and stopped eating, me and my mom were distraught and tried everything to get her better. We did injections that were supposed to help and supplements, and kept fighting hard but she was suffering, and kept on losing so much weight.

Finally, we made the decision we didn’t want to make. I cried for so long, and I still cry when I think about it. I put away my model horses and took down every bit of horse stuff I had. The saddles, the bridles, all of our equipment and clothes were boxed away and I swore to myself I would never do anything with horses again. How could I when I finally owned my first horse and then lost her even though my mother and I tried so hard to do everything to make her better.

Horseback riding has always affected me in a strong way, whether it’s the adrenaline rush of jumping or the peace I feel from trail riding. I’ve been doing it since I was 7 years old, and I did everything horse related I could. I even tried every riding style out there, from English, to hunter/jumping, saddle seat, and I even dabbled in western and gaited horses. My favorite type of horse was always the high-strung ones, the horses no one else could handle. That was the type of horse my girl was, my first horse, and she was high-strung and hard to train. I like the challenge of a horse that is nervous and how I can calm them down by just not being affected by their nervous energy. I enjoyed breaking in gaited horses when I got the opportunity and how it feels being in the saddle.

I think I’m going to try to get back into riding, I think it might make me feel more at home with the move and get me back into something I’ve loved for so long. I hope I’m strong enough to get back into the saddle and ride again, because I’ve tried to tell myself I don’t want to be a horseback rider again but I know it’s in my blood.

Even your mother may have Olympic dreams

A picture I took at the botanic gardens

One of my favorite stories my mom has told me is when she was a kid she wanted to be an Olympic figure skater. This always makes me smile and crack up because when she first told me this I asked her, “Wow, so you were really good at skating, huh?” And she would always tell me that she could barely skate, she wasn’t any good at it at all. But, in her head, as a kid, she just really wanted to do this. She wanted to be in the Olympics and compete as a figure skater and it reminds me that even your mom was a little kid and she had big dreams like you did when you were little.

I always thought my mom thought she would be in the Olympics to compete as a horseback rider but it’s just the figure skating that she wanted. Personally, I wanted to be in the Olympics with my horse to compete in jumping. We couldn’t seem to figure out dressage and jumping was just so exciting.

Plus, it didn’t hurt that my horse loved jumping. She lived for it, we’d head towards a jump and my heart would be racing and she just ran at it like she could crush the jump. You could feel her excitement, you could hardly hold her back as she headed for a jump! Every other horse I ever rode you would have to push them towards it, wait to see if they would stop at the last second and back out, but she always headed toward it like she couldn’t wait to do it. And I couldn’t wait to jump over the fences, the adrenaline was amazing, and our combined excitement was like bliss. My horse was a great jumper, so much more agile than any horse I’ve been on and she even jumped high obstacles with the same zeal as little tiny poles on the ground.

I loved it, I loved it even more with my horse because she took so much joy in it too. Out of so many years of riding and jumping I’d never met any other horse like in her in my life. She was a bull-head, with so much personality and quirks that she always kept me on my toes. She was a brat and dangerous as a little filly, rearing over me, and refusing to stand still for me to mount her. My mom refused to ride her until she calmed down later because she was so dangerous as a young horse. There is my mother, grandmother, and my grandfather were all horseback riders so I’d think my mom would want to be in the Olympics as a rider.

Of course, as a kid, I’m not sure if my mother enjoyed jumping as much as I did. I get a kick out of adrenaline rushes and I swear to you there is nothing more of an adrenaline rush then cantering your horse to a jump and soaring through the air with them. It’s amazing, and even more breathtaking when the animal underneath you is just as pumped to do it.

When me and my horse would compete in jumping she would be even more excited. She got a kick out of people looking at her, she even liked the camera and would even pose when you took pictures of her. You could even tell that my horse enjoyed the competition, she’d get so nervous and so anxious she’d be ready to burst and I swear I could just hear her thinking, “Oh, yeah, just try to beat that. I am hot stuff!” 

I knew logically I could never get to the Olympics, but in my dreams me and my horse made it and we were kicking butt and taking names.

Queen of Interviewing BS

I’m guessing I inherited the BS interview trait from my brother, though I had to learn from my first few interviews that being absolutely honest is not the best idea. And, I’m thinking he tends to be a bit more cocky than me. I am not cocky, though with more years under my belt and being proclaimed by many clients as, magic hands” certainly doesn’t hurt my ego one bit. I have been job hunting and searching through the internet and haven’t found anything close to me so I will probably be rusty with interviewing whenever I find something.

There was this one interview with a chiropractor for a massage job where I was given two pens taped together. The chiropractor then told me to sell him the two pens that were taped together. What I would say to someone to sell the pen, no, I am not making this up.

I also went to a chiropractor for a massage job and he said I reeked of cigarette smoke and that their clients are trying to live very healthy lives so he I was not to be smoking and I was unhealthy for that. Unbeknownst to him I am not a smoker, both my mother and father are, and my mother smoked inside of the laundry room so even when I washed my clothes I still couldn’t get the smell off.  I even told her after the interview to maybe smoke some place else so I could try to keep my clothes ‘clean’ smelling and she said no. When I got hired by my work sometimes I would come in and the manager would look at me funny and asked if I smoked. It was so annoying trying to defend myself when I got those looks of, “Oh, yeah, sure your parents smoke and that is their cigarette smoke, not yours. Ha ha, not falling for that.”

I also went to a chiropractor for an interview and he asked me if I was dating anyone, married, and if I lived at home. I felt so dirty after that interview that I wanted to wash my clothes and hop in the shower too for double duty. I didn’t even know how to react and it hit me afterwards how messed up it was, in the moment I was so shocked I didn’t even know what to say.

I can BS my way through interviews all I like and I do tell them what they want to hear. I try to sell myself but I have had such a messed up history with interviews for a massage position that I’m so scared to get back in it. It’s not normal, the way of interviewing isn’t just face-to-face BSing but we end up having to give a ‘technical’ massage to the person in the interview and that can be super weird. It’s intimidating and uncomfortable, and when they tell you you were nervous you just gotta bite your tongue not to say,

Ummm… yeah, I was nervous, I need a job and you couldn’t relax and I couldn’t relax and you were picking at everything I was doing when I was massaging and I could feel it even if you didn’t say a word!” 

You can feel when someone is thinking, you can feel when they are preoccupied when you massage. Clients I ended up knowing really well and regulars of mine I could tell within the first 5 seconds of seeing them, without saying a word, if they were having a tough day or if something was bothering them. I am too in tune to how people feel sometimes, and that’s why some of my best massages are when my clients let go and relax, I tend to know when they take that deep breath they are finally present and aren’t thinking about everything at once.

I know there are certain things you say, and don’t say, in an interview and you try to listen to what they want to hear from you. They are trying to see if they want you, and you are trying to see if you can make the interviewer want to hire you.

It’s like a first date with interviewing. All of the baggage is hidden in the closet, your best face is put on, you may hold back what you really want to say because you are trying to impress the person you’re with. You don’t know if they will accept you for you, so what you end up doing is trying to figure out what they want and you try to give it to them. I tend to be a blunt, painfully honest person who has a crazy personality and keeping that hidden is not exactly easy. I can be a good at the interview game but that can you only take you so far. And bad interviews really is a confidence killer for me and makes me doubt my abilities.

Weigh to kill my love handles!

So, as you may or may not know, when I’m unemployed I become a fitness nut and exercise almost every day of the week. Now, being put in a new state, with friends and family far away, makes me even crazier about working out that I change into a fitness freak. It’s like the only thing I can control is my body (and just cross my fingers with search results of jobs) so I go into overdrive to mold myself into something else. Plus, with my job if you stop massaging I’m sure you lose all of that endurance for it because it’s super strenuous so I’m trying to build it back up with working out.

Wii fit loves to yell at me, and I yell right back

Another plus, working out is seriously addicting once you get into it and helps me get rid of excess stress. Punching at the air randomly as I follow Wii Fit rhythm boxing makes me feel quite a bit better even if my punches aren’t connecting with anything. The Wii Fit seems less cruel than when I normally work out on it, though it still dings dinner bells when I get weighed and tells me in a cutesy voice, “You’re overweight!” Plus, my Wii character goes from super skinny stick to this huge balloon and my stomach will not be contained by its virtual shirt.

It also yells at me for being shaky with yoga and strength moves that make me balance on one foot and if I wasn’t shaky I’d probably be a robot.

Come to think of it, no, Wii fit has not changed one damn bit and it still gets bitchy with me on certain days and likes to bring up that it thinks that I am a loyal dog, like a golden retriever. Seriously, it says really weird stuff but since I’ve hurt my toe playing baseball I haven’t been able to swim like I love, or work on machines like the elliptical. I even came across this new machine like an elliptical which is basically like a medieval form of torture brought to the 20th century. Even though it is probably a torture device and they put cameras in the workout room probably to watch me sweat myself to death I did kind of like it. It was in a strange, masochist way I did enjoy the machine torture device.

And, even though I only have the Wii Fit and it’s annoying voice to yell at me now I am losing weight. I’m down to a weight range I haven’t seen since I was eighteen years old… and I didn’t get down to that weight the healthy way. I stopped eating, was seriously depressed, and wound up losing 30-40 lbs within about a month or two. I am trying to be more healthy, watching what I’m eating, but I’m not trying to stop eating completely. I’m trying out fruits I’ve never tried before in my life, and eating them every day. I’m eating apples that aren’t prepackaged and cut up for me, and I’m even cooking for myself.

When I say that I’m cooking I do mean it, I’m making boneless skinless chicken breasts from scratch and it’s not a frozen meal. Which is pretty much amazing for me, I’ve never been able to cook and my mom never taught me when I was a kid. So, the first few times I wasn’t that great making chicken from scratch but I’ve gotten better. I still wouldn’t subject anyone but myself to chicken I cooked in case so in case I end up poisoning someone it would just be my own fault.

I will grow a green thumb… somehow

I can take good pictures of flowers, but growing them is a whole other story!

Whenever I think of plants and flowers I tend to think of my grandmother.  She is amazing with plants and can grown about anything. She grows orchids in her house and all sorts of flowers outside in her garden. One of my favorites was the moon flowers which bloomed during a full moon, or so I was told. I tried my hand at growing things because I found it was just so neat to see something grow from a sprout into a plant but I never got past the sprout stage. I killed everything green I touched, and if I didn’t kill the little seedlings, our cats would get into my room and eat the heads off my plants.

I’ve never seen a plant flower, I’ve never grown it past the small little sprout stage. Yet, my grandma had a huge garden where everything thrived and there wasn’t a dead plant in sight. Me and my grandma had our differences but I always admired her for being able to grow everything and how much pride she had in it. Plus, she’s about as bullheaded and stubborn as they come.

Currently I’m amazed that the hubby called me up a few days ago and said he was bringing home a plant. I swear this man is allergic to everything, and some days I think he might just be allergic to me too. So, with the news of him bringing home something green I was pretty pumped that we could have something in the house I could take care of. It’s a really pretty plant and we even got a cute little purple vase for it too. I try to water it, and to not over water it, but I’m afraid my black thumb may end up killing it. I noticed a leaf that was dying on it, yet besides that it isn’t drooping or turning brown. I really want some more in our house, it cheers up the space, and I like taking care of it because he is also allergic to animals and we can’t have any pets.

He doesn’t seem to have an allergic reaction to this plant and overall since we’ve moved his allergies seem to be better than they were. There were some days his allergies were so bad they were pretty much debilitating, so I find it amazing to have a plant in our apartment and he can breathe okay and it doesn’t seem to be affecting him at all. I wanted to get quite a few plants from Ikea when we went there but he said we’d see how taking care of what we have pans out and then I can be a crazy plant lady with the black thumb of death.

I’d also love to have a little critter around the apartment. I’ve always found it so calming to have a little warm body next to me on the couch and I really miss my family’s cat even though he is quite passive to everyone. He likes to randomly attack my mother but strangely seemed to like having me around so I’d go out and try to get him next to me on the couch when I had my lunch. I miss it and have always been a pet person so not having one is both strange and kind of lonely too when the hubby is out working.