Usefulness equates productiveness

There is something about my work that gets me really frustrated. Weekends I am slammed, murdered somewhat with the physical work and I have to resurrect myself to do it all over again and then get a breather buffer day before I hop back into it. My weekday tends to be slow, much slower than my weekend so I have sporadic clients. I am a self-sufficient person and will keep myself busy with what needs to be done without you asking me. Just don’t punish me for what I don’t have control over, which is not having clients come in. It’s not like I’m sitting back there, twiddling my thumbs, complaining about how bored I am (which is what A LOT of people sometimes do).

I make the best out of a situation with what I’m given. Yet, it’s still not enough. I am still sent home.

There are many people who I can’t even count when they have gotten sent home. It’s like, impossible. But, me? Not so impossible, very probable. I feel actual anxiety waiting for them to track me down and say those dreaded words: “You can go home now.” What if I don’t want to go home? What if, since I’m part-time, nearly full-time, I need every hour I can get? And no, not breaking my hands/wrists/arms doing chair massages until I literally injure myself. I can’t do it without hurting like I can with a table, there is no oil, no leverage, no using my body. Just me squeezing my hands until they cry for mercy.

Yet, what I do besides the physical labor of me massaging I feel like is not seen as being productive enough in their eyes.

It’s just that I hate feeling like I’m not wanted, a burden, not beneficial if I don’t have clients. I understand you need to make money, but I also need to save my body. And massaging 24/7 is not “working smart.” It’s just very frustrating to be chased out of work like you are a witch and they running after you with burning stakes trying to get you the hell out of there. Oh well, it’s what they do, right? I’ll be working this weekend so I am already 90% or so booked so I can be alone in my room all day with my clients doing what I’m supposed to do.

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