My attraction to dangerous things

cirqueplayI’m an adrenaline junkie since the age that I could do adrenaline inducing things. My father and I loved roller coasters, the higher, the faster, and the more loops and upside down stuff the better. Later on I was interested in more dangerous forms of horseback riding, and this included jumping where I would most likely end up falling off my horse. It didn’t stop me from pursuing jumping and I found a horse (my horse) who got a thrill out of it like I did. Her tail would go flying in the air, and she would take three jumps nearly in one stride no matter the height. It was some of the most exciting stuff jumping and a time where my mind would clear completely because all I could think of was the next jump and the course we needed to complete.

I’ve taken a break from my more dangerous forms of adrenaline and exchanged it for the excitement of Boudoir photo shoots instead. Still, there’s that part of me that has a bucket list of scary things I need to do. Recently I kayaked for the first time in my life in the ocean and that was a lot of fun for me to try and I’d do it again.

I’ve swam with sharks, Caribbean reef sharks in particular, and that was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Call me crazy but I’d love to meet great white sharks (in a cage just in case, of course) and also swim with whale sharks. I’d love to learn how to do scuba diving and get the opportunity to meet even more marine life and explore the bottom of the ocean instead of the top with snorkeling. I’d like to go white water rafting, and basically anything involved with water I want to do.

On land I want to go zip lining, and lately I’ve been tempted to buy something so I can go skydiving for the first time. I ran it by my husband about skydiving and he said to go for it so I might just get the thing to try out skydiving next time I see it. Any time I come across something new I always think in my head, “Hey, I could do that… I’m hoping to try out all of the things on my scary adrenaline list, even though it may take a while to complete.

How did I become a house wife?

151I don’t know quite what triggered it, besides our obvious move that we made over a year ago. I’ve always been a free spirit, very stubborn, and my husband was always the one trying to cook when he could and cleaning up after my messes. I hear some women talk about how we aren’t exactly as free as we think we are. This one lady who said these exact words said that we weren’t very free, we were only free to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of the children. That men these days still don’t know how to help out and they are taught for us to take care of them… And essentially we become like their mothers. (Ew.)

This woman was also married for 36 years and recently had become divorced at the age of sixty. I thought of interjecting to say that my husband has always been a gentleman, opening doors for me, getting my coat, and he has always the one cleaning, cooking, he was even doing my laundry! I could tell she was very hurt by what happened to her, understandably so, and my unusual case with my husband probably wouldn’t be heard.

It was a strange situation with two service providers being in the room at once so I let the other gal answer any of her questions. Her freedom analysis of married women was interesting, but it isn’t the case for all women. I feel absolutely free with my husband, I have traveled more this year than any year in my life. He encourages me to go out with people if I want to, and if I do need him to clean I just need to remind him verbally to do it. Like most guys, dropping hints about dishes or cleaning will get me no where, yet telling him the exact thing I want from him will get him to definitely do it for me.

092I guess I felt more interested in this idea of freedom and us being there to take care of our husbands with cleaning, cooking, etc. because I’ve fell into the role of being like a house wife. Now, keep in mind I still work, I pick up days when my work asks me to, but I’ve even gotten my cooking times coordinated with when my husband might be coming home.

Dinner needs to be ready hopefully by the time he walks in the door, I will be finishing up with it so it is still warm for us when he walks in. I’ve basically taken over dishes duty since I am doing all of our cooking. I thought if I was ever at this stage where I’d consider myself a housewife I’d resent it very strongly. If you asked me a year ago that I’d be cooking complicated dishes almost every day of the week, doing dishes, and especially enjoying the cooking I’d of laughed at you… Very hard. When I visit my family they still don’t believe it, and I’d love to cook for them because it is one of my huge things of pride and discovery for me. My mother never really cooked for us, she really didn’t like it and since we never cooked at home there was not much for us to ever clean. The basics of how to cook was self-taught to myself by trial and error, and amazingly once I started cooking, there was this natural ability to make really tasty dishes.

Now the question of how I became a housewife I think is easiest to be explained by our move and my need to adapt and still feel important without a job. I wanted to be able to do something while I was job searching and though I assumed I wouldn’t be good at cooking, I still decided to give it a try. Now that I have a job the act of cooking, strangely enough, gives me a sort of stress relief after working even when my body is sore from massaging. I don’t know quite how I got to this point I’m at now… But I don’t mind being here.

Choosing strength over worry

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt feels like its been forever since my husband was notified about the news of his job ending at the end of the year. He has processed it far better than I have, and he has decided to take charge and do everything in his power to prepare to pick his next job. We are both worries, him and I, so I was surprised that he has been handling it as well as he has. My husband has been reading career books, and even has a huge file of the materials he’s accumulated.

All I could do in the beginning was be consumed by the worry, the worry of us running out of money, him not finding a job, so much adding up that at times I felt like I was under a rip current from all of my anxiety. I struggled to get back to normal, but I kept on getting thrown around in the strong current.

Just a week after the news I had a preplanned trip to travel with my brother on our first brother/sister adventure together and I think that this helped me to get back to myself. I laughed more than I had in what felt like years, and it definitely felt cathartic to let all of that pent-up negative energy out in the form of laughter. My brother and I had a great time together and though I came back still worried, I felt like I might be handling it better.

It’s amazing how different I am from when I first moved away from my family and friends, because if given a chance for my husband to take back a job where we used to live, I wouldn’t exactly jump at it. After all of this time I spent fighting our move here and wishing I could go back, I don’t wish for that now. It’s only after the fact and after I accepted our move that I realized the truth… That this move was a very good thing for the both of us. I’ve grown leaps and bounds, teaching myself to cook when before I would burn the water when I had boiling water on the stove and Id run away because I didn’t know what to do to fix it. There’s other things that I’ve grown in, and even my whole body has changed with my weight loss thanks to my dedication to cook and track what I eat.

I don’t want to blame things, people, or circumstances for what I’m going through or the emotions that I feel. Lately even though my husband’s job loss is scary and imminent, I feel like I’ve been even more loving to him and I’m leaning on him more. He asked me if I trusted him to get another job, to choose correctly for what he’d be doing or where we might be going. Normally I’d answer, “Sure, I trust you but I don’t trust the world out there” yet now I’m just answering with just “I trust you.” For all that he and I have been through since saying those simple words “I do.” a year ago when we got married we have faced challenges and we have also conquered them.

There’s the other stipulation of us moving again, and we could be moving many miles away, but even with that I accept it. Another move may be another opportunity for me to learn something new about myself. It will never be easy not to have anxiety about the unknown, yet I’m trying to train myself to pick hope and strength over worry.

Thinking of good comebacks after the fact

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHave you ever had someone say something to you and you really wish you had a comeback to give them right back? I had this recently happen to me and I will share it for an example:

Coworker: “Whoa! What happened to your hair?!”

Me: “I’ve been working… My hair gets fluffy when I work hard.”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI wish I had a better comeback and it always gets me the next day or even the next week for what to say. I also have this inner filter I try to keep on always because I don’t want to say something that would hurt someone’s feelings, even if that person is trying to rile me up. If a coworker looks especially nice a day that I work, I always make sure to tell them.

How a woman responds to a compliment is almost always, “uhhh… I look like crap today, are you blind??” so unfortunately even good comments have to be kept in check. I’ve learned the lesson of who will receive a compliment well, and who will make me feel like a dope for saying anything.

And, it’s okay to not say something nasty or smart as a comeback if you can’t think of anything to say in return until days later. Just laugh at the remarks and it’ll frustrate the person trying to put you down in that moment.

You say I’m an extrovert, nice try

IMG_0668It’s kind of funny that I suddenly got a kick to take personality tests and that every test is telling me I am an extremely strong extrovert. Like, I’m such an extrovert they rarely see people score that high in the extrovert category the results end up telling me. But, I kind of smile at that because I know that I am throwing the tests off.

I am the life of the party, and people tend to feel really comfortable being around me. I like to dance and I tend to talk a lot with ease. I mean look at my profession, I’m around people all of the time with massage! Yet, I am incredibly private, I feel uncomfortable talking about my personal life, and when I’m done with work the last thing I want to do is spend more time socializing. On the surface of things there seems to be no other category for me to go in but an extrovert with my loud and outgoing personality.

The tests just get that surface level of me, the side everyone sees when they meet me and when they think they know me. Luckily, I know myself better that when I need to recharge I do. And, when I feel like I’ve had enough of talking or being social I go back home to hang out in my bedroom.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI am a person known to break out in singing, dancing, I even ended up dancing on a kitchen counter at one party (I was encouraged to hop up on the counter, I tried to fight going up there, but it seemed like too much fun.) This seems to be in part to my not caring what people think of me, I am crazy, fun, and loud, you either take it or you can leave it.

When I was a child it was a different story, especially at family gatherings it was like a form of torture facing the holidays. I didn’t have anyone to talk to being the only girl, and the youngest, so I would find a quiet corner on Christmas eve year after year to read my book and wait for it to be over with. I wanted to sit at the adult table because I related to adults better even when I was very little. I’d always be that shy, reclusive kid and teenager, observing what was going on and studying people’s interactions.

There are very few people who meet me now and knew me way back when in school and they can’t quite believe I’m the same person. Then, it’s just as interesting to have people who have met me now and they can’t believe me to be anything but loud and you-see-what-you-get type of person. I may trick the personality quizzes, yet I can’t trick myself.

Cockroach Killer Extoardinaire

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A bug was harmed in the making of this post. Just not this one since it was outside in the safe zone

I’ve never had to deal with cockroaches before, count me lucky, or sheltered, but I know what they look like. My friend has that as one of her big fears, cockroaches she told me can fly, Sarah, seriously! This friend of mine also recently discovered that she has an intense fear of sink holes, which she just recently discovered and she said they can follow you and happen anywhere.

I am a bug person since the age of three I’ve had memories of grabbing ants (even fire ants, ouch) and putting them in my clear plastic purse. Crickets, grasshoppers, moths, caterpillars, rollie pollie bugs, about every bug you can think of I’d collect. As I’ve gotten older I still have an appreciation of all things creepy and crawly, yet, I’ve changed since I was a little girl. If a bug is invading my home I will most likely kill that bug with a vengeance, they will get especially annihilated if I caught them in my bed.

There is no love for bugs if they are found creeping around my home, though they can only wish that I have compassion the day I find them and I might try to let them outside. If they get caught in our home again I doubt I can find it in my bug loving heart not to crush them to pieces. My husband does not have my killer instincts and so we have taken on opposite roles to say the least. So, when my husband and I went to visit our little pet and he nearly fell over I thought he had hurt himself, which was not quite so.

He saw a cockroach, jumped onto the coach like a girl, and told me to take care of it. That bugger was huge, so I did the logical thing.

Me: “I’m going to get my killing boots, be right back.”
Husband: “Don’t leave me with it, come back here!”

I headed over to my closet on the opposite side of the apartment and searched for the perfect killing boots. I couldn’t find my favorite pair so I went with a high top type of boot after five minutes of searching, pulled up my pajama bottoms, and stomped on over. My husband was on the couch cowering, asking me why I’d left him for so long, he wouldn’t stop hiding on the couch. The cockroach was, of course, hiding as well.

I wasn’t going to be done until I killed it, so I searched around and was able to rush it out but I missed killing it and it darted under our couch.

Me: “We need to move the couch, it’s hiding, get up and help me move it.”
Husband: “What if it attacks me?! I don’t want it to attack me!”

It took quite a bit of convincing but he did move the couch and lo and behold… The cockroach was someplace else. I was on the hunt so I flipped over a pillow and found it, and went into killing mode. I may or may not have sworn while I was stomping it to death and did more than a double tap, more like a twenty tap to make sure it was dead. You gotta remember cockroaches can survive anything, and they are probably like zombies, you gotta make sure that head is off to really kill them.

We then volleyed back and forth who would throw away the dead bug, but I did the killing, so he can take care of the cleanup. My husband then informed if there was a zombie apocalypse that he would be able to handle it. I highly doubt that and know I would just need my killing boots to be able to take on some zombies.

My mind is a muddle

140First off, thank you everyone who commented and wished me luck with the interviews. I really feel like I have a great group of friends here who are also fellow bloggers. You guys have helped me especially when it came to my move, and with all of my lackluster job searching over the past few months. I know I’ve said this before, but your support and encouragement is always so appreciated.

I think it’s a good thing, yet still completely overwhelming, to go from nothing from so long to something. My husband is sweet, he keeps on telling me that he’s proud of me for not giving up after months of sending out resumes. He also tells me to only take a job that will keep me happy, and as I’ve said before he’s been so supportive since the move and helping me when I’ve felt less than confident.

My life when it comes to jobs is very spoiled, I admit it, but there’s been struggles within the jobs I’ve experienced. Being a dog groomer was exhausting, much more so than even being a massage therapist. I had a great team of women to work with though with my first ‘job’ and an amazing manager who I loved to work with. She was understanding, patient, and very kind to me. The other dog groomers were very fun to work with, and we would help each other out on busy days.

When I decided on massage school I was in a stuck part of my life. I needed to find a career, but I was unsure what I wanted. I needed a career where I was active in it, since I really enjoyed the running around and activity of being a dog groomer.

I ended up with another great group of women to work with, like in the pet salon, and what I learned from my job at the spa for four years taught me things I didn’t know about myself. My goal is to exceed in excellence, I need to keep on challenging myself with my career and what I’m doing. No matter how I feel, or what is going on in my life, I need to give an amazing service to every client. I want my clients to feel like not only that was a good service, it was great, and I delivered what they needed for that massage.

0906111858bThere is that need now to have someplace which challenges me, with great coworkers, and hopefully someplace where continuing Ed is a must. You can’t be expected to get better at this career if you’ve stopped learning. That’s the beauty of massage, the only end to continuing education is if you give up on it.

I’ve been so lucky, and in the same thought, this has been my reason to be rather scared of job searching. This is because of my happiness I’ve had at my jobs, and that happiness hasn’t been found without struggle, pain, and frustration. It’s always been the people who work with me though who get me fired up about coming to work, and of course, my clients. My clients are my number one priority when I’m massaging, and I never seem to be able to duplicate the same massage every time.

It’s like my cooking, I never keep track of what I’m doing, yet, the food comes out really great. That’s why I think I don’t even get bored with my own technique, because I’m always modifying it according to my client.

The Game Changer when you fall

214I’ve never been one to dream of getting married, rather I’ve been the complete opposite. The last thing I could see myself doing, and this is before I met my husband, was getting married. My history with men has not been good at all, and this has been even at a young age. What I’ve gone through with life has built me into a guarded and protected person. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember, I was always afraid of relationships, or even friendships.

My fear was the fact of getting hurt, and a lot of people who have come across me understand me on the surface. When I met my husband for the first time, I felt something I had scoffed at in those predictable romantic comedy movies.

It was love at first sight, but even more than that, it was love at first words. He just seemed to get me when we first interacted, I loved our banter we had going on and how he could keep up with me. He was funny, fun-loving, one of those types of people who entered the room and lit it up. I knew there was an age difference because I’ve always been interested in older men… It’s like what I’m programmed for. I just didn’t know how much the age difference would be, and it turned out to be not a small amount, but not enough for me to give up on what I felt that first time I met him.

I felt really, genuinely happy being with him. So, of course, you know what I did? I shot him down for my phone number, severely, and he left the party. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in a relationship again, I had planned not to and had accepted the fact I didn’t want to be with anyone.

If I wanted to take a chance on my emotions really showing I knew I would have to hope he’d come to a party the next day. And, I’d have to decide if I could really let this new found great thing slip out of my fingers like I’ve done so many times before. My choice ended up to chose the unknown, but not after seeing my husband a second time, shooting him down again and finally giving him my phone number the next day because I tracked down his email.

pongEvery day I feel like sometimes the fight for that love is easy, and other times it may be more difficult. One of you may fall down, and you need to be that rock. And other times, while normally you’re strong, suddenly you need that support all the time. I’ve never moved so far in my life, and I’ve never had to struggle for a job without even a single response like I have in this new place.

What I’ve gone through in life that has made me a more guarded and protected person are my scars. They are invisible to anyone else, and I keep them covered up with a smile as my barrier. I’m just happy I have that one person, my husband, to show them to. I’ve never felt the spark before in me when I first saw him and even more when we first started talking. To make me change my mind about everything I thought I knew, I knew he was that special person. He was a game changer, that person who didn’t ask me to ever change and to always be myself.

Being your own boss

013I think that a lot of the people who join my career, or end up in massage school, do it because it sounds like the perfect situation to be your own boss. They want to do it with the idea of going out there with their massage table, pocketing all the money for themselves, and making their own schedule. I also believe I am one of the few people in my career who got into the spa/salon setting and said to themselves, “heck, I think I really love being an employee, having coworkers, and having this all done for me, I’m not interested in going off on my own. “

As I kept on massaging, and building up a client base, and I started to hear more and more clients asking me if I did massage outside of the spa. Some would really push me and see if I’d go to their house, and I said always a definitive “No” to their prodding me. I was extremely loyal to the spa I worked at and just couldn’t see myself driving around with my massage table… I can’t even drive myself to a new place without doing a test run to find out where I’m going.

So, fast forward to now, where for some odd reason I’ve gotten more calls/interviews as a new massage therapist back home than when I’ve moved here. Actually, out of all the resumes I’ve sent I haven’t had a single call call back since I’ve started hunting which has been for months.

That’s the thing about massage, it’s convenience, that all you need is a table, and your hands, plus clients and you are ready. I’m lucky to have my husband work at a big corporation and his coworkers have been asking if I do massage, and if I’d massage them, and this has me seriously thinking by now. There are so many things that scare me about being on my own for massage, getting clientele, having them pay you, finding their home, what equipment do I need, and so many more questions.

If it was super easy every new therapist would massage on their terms and take all of the money for themselves. I know there is overhead, but I don’t know what kind if you are going to a clients house. Honestly, I don’t even know what to charge for a massage to make it easy to build a clientele up, but not sell myself literally short. I know I sound like a new therapist and I don’t sound like someone who has been doing this for four years, but all I’ve had to do is show up at work, check the schedule in the break room, go to my room to set it up and massage.

I think I am really considering this, throwing my massage table in my car, turning on my gps, and taking on a few of my husbands coworkers as my possible clients. I don’t think I’d have a ton of money coming in, but at least a little would be trickling in and it might help me to build back up my confidence. I am really wishing there was an easy book that told me everything I needed to do this, but it seriously is the unknown for me.

This whole move is about the unknown for me, and I have tried to embrace the new changes. With this new year coming at me I wonder what I will be pushing myself to do.

When being happy is scary

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Ohhh… sparkly!

I swear that sometimes when you are smiling people may just think that you are crazy and clinically insane. The reaction to your happy smile  may be because you are in a place where people put their heads down and move a mile a minute, like in a major city. Or, like today, you are in the hype of the holiday season when everyone has their stressed out faces on. This was my fact for today as I navigated the shopping masses at the nearby mall.

I was just in a good mood today, the weather was nice, the air felt crisp, and it was just one of those ‘wake up on the right side of the bed’ days. The traffic was heavy and craziness, of course, because the countdown for Christmas day is almost upon us. Even the traffic couldn’t deter me in my good mood and I sang abbreviated Christmas songs, “the traffic outside is frightful, but inside my car it’s warm and delightful, and it is not going to snow, so let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Inside the store it was serious holiday freak out and the anxiety was palpable. Last minute shoppers were in their element, though I do hear a “merry Christmas to you” as I walked in the door with a woman who had the door held open for her.

Every single person I made eye contact with today I smiled at, and I think this may have freaked out more than one person. I say this because the look I got back in return was a “what the hell are you smiling at?!” I remember from when I spent time in a major city. Everyone was so preoccupied, and there was more than one unhappy shopper. They were returning things, using coupons they couldn’t use, and one lady made a ‘I want to blow my brains out’ gesture to me. She was ahead of me in the line, returning a ton of things and I mentioned a sale going on and she looked back at me and did the blow my brains out reference.

Even her bad mood couldn’t rub off on me and I made sure to thoroughly thank every person who I bought stuff from. I remember working retail as a massage therapist and I know how people can get during the holidays so I wanted them to know I appreciate their work.

091I haven’t been feeling in the Christmas mood at all this year because of the new place, family and friends miles away, and I miss my coworkers and clients especially during the holidays. I’d normally buy gifts for my friends who were my coworkers, which were my favorite people to buy for, but that’s not happening this year. My husband and I are aren’t visiting family, and the gifts we’re giving aren’t much. My favorite gifts were for my brother that I gave him months ago that included a framed picture of mine and a few other thoughtful gifts that wasn’t a gift card.

I know pretty much everyone shopping today didn’t feel the holiday spirit, more like the spirit of stress. I’m hoping at least one person I smiled at wasn’t creeped out and felt some of my good Christmas vibes.