What I don’t want to lose

Picture I took in Key West of the sun setting.

I was just thinking of things I wouldn’t want to lose because of my weight loss expedition, and of course my new life journey in a whole new place too. For the weight loss/toning up/I want to be able to massage 6 clients in a row without being exhausted challenge I’ve given myself there are certain parts of my body that I wouldn’t like to lose. What I wouldn’t like to lose are the only body parts that I seem to like on me, which is my chest (like it, love it, gotta have it) and my butt (also like it).

My butt is slowly shrinking though because of all of the leg exercises I’m doing but I think in the end it will be a lean and more toned, I’m hoping. My chest is something I have enjoyed since I’ve gotten one, it’s the right size, and I’m well endowed which I’ve always taken pride in. Luckily they seem to not be disappearing because I’ve always heard once you lose weight you lose it first in your chest and then everything else follows… which to me seems just cruel. Why can’t it disappear first from where women seem to focus on, like their stomach, or for me, my thighs?

I also don’t want to lose myself with this move to a whole new place miles and miles away from my original ‘home.’ I don’t want to lose my confidence, I don’t want to accept anything that I know is not for me. I want to embrace this life, but there are days I feel stuck in a rut, days that I feel lost at what to do. I’m not sure how to take this new direction, and there is just a ton of uncertainty of what road I want to walk down. I said “I do” to this new life, I knew the day of our wedding we would get married, get in the rental car, drive to the airport, and fly to our new home within hours of each other.

I was aware that on my wedding day not only was I saying goodbye to my family, but also on the same day I went into my work to get my hair and makeup done and it was a heart wrenching goodbye to them.

It took me a very long time to make friends at my work, I’m a closed off person, and I rarely, if ever, talked about my home life. It took years to open up, and so the few friendships I made mean a lot to me and that’s why I send them cards on their birthday and a card for their new baby. That means I need to work really hard to trust new people, and let them in and I’ve never been a fan of doing this. But, life is so much better when you have people to care about you, and when you can love and care about them in return. I’ve been raised to be jaded and to guard myself, which is why I love my husband so much. He’s accepting, big-hearted, and seems to make friends so easily. He doesn’t hold onto things like I do, and he can move past things much quicker than I can.

This new direction is changing me, and I am such a bull-head to change. I have to accept it, I have to realize what opportunities it gives me and how I will mold myself into a better person in the end.

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How does it feel being married?

A picture I took of a beautiful sunset in Key West on our honeymoon

When I went to visit my friends back home a couple asked me how it felt being married. The hubby even had some of his co-workers asking the same question, gauging whether or not the act of getting married had changed the dynamics of our relationship. To me the question was asked with a teasing smile, but I didn’t know quite how to answer.

This is because our relationship feels the same. The only huge difference for me is the difference I feel every day with our move, and me not having a job right now. That resonates with me, but our relationship feels the same like when we weren’t married and just engaged. We lived together for not-too-long of a period and then he moved down without me miles away because of his job. I moved back in with my parents and that changed our relationship because I didn’t have him there every day.

As you probably know if you’ve been reading this blog I was the type of person to believe I would never get married. My parents aren’t exactly ‘happily’ married and my mom was divorced once before she met my dad. I just didn’t look at marriage as working for me, and I could never see myself with someone for the rest of my life. I didn’t like dating, and before I met the hubby I was basically single for 2 years and certainly not looking for anyone. I’ve had my own set of bad relationships that have put a bad taste in my mouth and was pretty determined to be alone for the rest of my life so I never had to depend upon anyone except myself. That’s why when I met my husband-to-be I wasn’t exactly the nicest to him because I knew when we first started talking I really liked him.

The first time we met he was just so funny, cute, and able to keep up with me that I was instantly attracted. We sparred each other with jokes back and forth and I knew I had met my equal match. I knew how I felt, and when I really do like someone I tend to A) avoid them or B) push them away. And I chose to push him away and shot down his request for my phone number with the infamous, “F that shit!”

We met again the following night, danced for hours and hours to live music at the same place we met the night before and I continued to be the wonderfully non-charming lady that I am when I like a guy. We ended up finding out that night the age difference we had. For me, it was a larger age difference than I’m used to but I’ve always dated older guys. He was thrown off by it because he thought I was much older and I ended up thinking he was actually quite a bit younger. Obviously we were still really attracted to each other and he asked again for my phone number… which I again shot down. I found him on the website we had ended up meeting each other through (not a dating website, mind you) and ended up giving him my number through an email and we went out on our first date the day after.

Of course, I’ve told this story before but it always amazes me thinking back that he kept on going after me. I wasn’t nice at all, and was trying to scare him away, yet he kept on chasing me and wouldn’t give up. Being married now does feel the same, but the only thing that changes it is us figuring out how to live together with a move miles away and me being jobless. He’s helped me when I’ve had a bad day and I have been his nursemade when he’s been sick. Even though we have ups and down, the hubby gets me and I feel like I’m a better person with him.

I try to be less cynical, I try to think in a more positive way, and I try to believe him when he says I can do anything and how pretty I am.

Like a bull on steroids

I’m about as domesticated as a bull on steroids. I would think that wouldn’t be too domesticated, so that’s pretty much how I am. I don’t cook, I don’t bake, I don’t really clean, I don’t dust, I don’t do a lot of stuff that would ‘domesticate’ me. Now, does this mean I don’t help out with our apartment at all? Nah, of course not, I’m sure any person would get sick of doing everything themselves while the other person just kind of kicks back and relaxes, watching the one person toil over an oven with full view of the TV in front of them.

I like to do stuff because I don’t get asked to do it.

Wait, what? Yes, you read it, I don’t like to get asked to do stuff. I don’t like to be asked to do something at work so I make it my mission to already do it so if they do ask me, hey, can you do it? I can say, “Yeah, yeah, read your mind, already done! Ha!” When I went over to the folks to do my laundry (screw paying for it, I’ll keep on making the trek over there for a while) I did a quick clean and sweep. Garbage, thrown down the shoot, replaced the bag, put away clean dishes, put in dirty dishes into the dishwasher and then headed out.

Oh, and a dishwasher? Took me a while to figure that out. I’m stuck in ancient time where everything was done by hand. The first time I did a dishwasher run for the man I turned the bowls right-side up and all the water collected in the bowl instead of running off. Whoops. He laughed at me and my feathers got ruffled because I tried to do something nice and he was making fun of me.

So, whenever I do a domesticated act I always ask him if he appreciates it. He always says yes, and I try to always say when he does something to help out, or help me out, or make my day easier, a big thank you because I know that it goes both ways.