The point where you love your body

0607111853I believe that women in particular can have a difficult time with loving their bodies, because I know I have personally had a very hard time with it since I first got a ‘body.’ As a little girl I was nothing but legs and height, and all I cared about was playing outside for as long as I could and doing boyish things with my brother. Puberty hit me at a really young age and I recall being thrown off by what was happening to me. My long, lean build was gone and I ballooned out in about every direction.

Of course, like any woman out there I was teased quite a bit and bullied a lot. The boys started noticing any girls who had ‘blossomed’ and so I covered myself in baggy clothes and hid it as best as I could. The worst teasing, unfortunately, came from my family because suddenly my metabolism was turned against me. I couldn’t just eat anything like I did as a kid and have it not show. My family thought they were helping me by pointing out my weight daily, but year after year of this on a constant basis deteriorated my perception of myself. I avoided mirrors like the plague and got used to hearing from my mother in particular that if I lost weight I’d be perfect. 

319919_1975714788888_1123630225_31682279_2101631656_nTurns out later that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and this makes it difficult to lose weight, easy to gain, and your hormones are completely out of balance. Even when I was diagnosed and put on medication it didn’t help my weight, and I may have gained while I was on my medication. The symptoms it helped clear was cystic acne and it regulated my period so I wouldn’t go six months at a time without one.

To this day I always react to people bullying someone about their weight, even if the bully is that person. I make sure to say any good thing that crosses my mind, you look good today, etc. but I try to keep weight out of it. Lately I’ve been told that I look like I lost weight… and I know I haven’t. I just don’t need to lose any more especially since I am very content at how I am right now. I have never been as happy as I am about my body, especially because it just feels so much stronger. I had a set goal weight I wanted to go for at first, yet, I don’t care as much if I am at that exact weight or a few pounds above it because my body just feels good. It even shows in my career that I can give deeper massages that may have exhausted me if I did several in a row before and I don’t feel tired at all.

0907111815Through my journey I’ve had I have realized that finding love and appreciation for your body, and who you are, of course begins and ends within yourself. The kind of teasing and bullying I’ve been through for my weight is something I’d never wish upon any other woman or especially a child. Yet, I know as women we have to fight against not only what people say about how we look, or the media says, but also when we end up turning against ourselves as well.  To this day I don’t like it when people I don’t know tease me incessantly thinking they are funny and I will tell them every time to stop it. 

I am not one for resolutions or goals but I did have at least one this year that I will continue to love my body, treat it good, and maintain all the hard work I’ve done. I want to continue doing one of my passions I never thought I would have which is cooking 6-7 days out of the week. I’ve always been one to want to change little parts of me, my thighs, my stomach, and I’m learning to be content with what I’ve got. It’s a process continuing to love your body, especially when it seems like everyone is telling you that you need to fix any flaws that you have. I realize now my flaws are what make me… me, and that they can be the most beautiful thing about a person.

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My long-term relationship with birth control

I have been on birth control since the age of fifteen when I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. My mom freaked out, and so I freaked out, and what was found out by going to the doctor was that I also had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My doctor liked to describe it as:

Have you heard about the bearded lady? Yes? That’s what you have!

Which of course terrified me and I thought I’d grow a beard within a few days and I kind of wanted to cry. I had a ring of cysts around my ovaries and this kind of explained why I would go 3-5 months without getting that time of the month. It would be extremely painful for me when it did come so much so that I’d be doubled over in pain and physically sick from the cramps. My doctor prescribed birth control pills to control my symptoms, help me with my pain, and hopefully help me with my ovary sized cyst I had.

I never told anyone, I never really have told anyone about it I’ve met or known. I’ve done research about it because I’ve been on birth control pills since I was fifteen and I didn’t even start dating until I was eighteen. I didn’t start seriously dating someone until I was nineteen years old, and I’ve tried to go off it to see if maybe I don’t have to rely on it but this never works.

I end up months without a period, which may be too much information, but when it does come I am in tremendous pain. I’ve been put on pills that literally made me sick, I even tried the patch but that caused an allergic reaction and made me want to scratch my skin off wherever the patch was placed. I think that with losing weight my symptoms are supposed to get better, less hair, hopefully, and I’ve read it’s one of the few things I can do to help the PCOS. This is part of the reason for trying to get myself down to normal weight, I may not be able to cure myself, yet maybe I can somehow make it better. Last time I was checked for the cyst that was the size of my ovary it was supposedly gone, though I know the tiny cysts will come and go and it’s part of having PCOS.

So, birth control is something I need and that has made my life better with the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s the only thing they seem to be able to do to control it. I will try to be in tune with my body and if it changes, and if something seems fishy, I’ll let my doctors check it out and see what we can do.