The point where you love your body

0607111853I believe that women in particular can have a difficult time with loving their bodies, because I know I have personally had a very hard time with it since I first got a ‘body.’ As a little girl I was nothing but legs and height, and all I cared about was playing outside for as long as I could and doing boyish things with my brother. Puberty hit me at a really young age and I recall being thrown off by what was happening to me. My long, lean build was gone and I ballooned out in about every direction.

Of course, like any woman out there I was teased quite a bit and bullied a lot. The boys started noticing any girls who had ‘blossomed’ and so I covered myself in baggy clothes and hid it as best as I could. The worst teasing, unfortunately, came from my family because suddenly my metabolism was turned against me. I couldn’t just eat anything like I did as a kid and have it not show. My family thought they were helping me by pointing out my weight daily, but year after year of this on a constant basis deteriorated my perception of myself. I avoided mirrors like the plague and got used to hearing from my mother in particular that if I lost weight I’d be perfect. 

319919_1975714788888_1123630225_31682279_2101631656_nTurns out later that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and this makes it difficult to lose weight, easy to gain, and your hormones are completely out of balance. Even when I was diagnosed and put on medication it didn’t help my weight, and I may have gained while I was on my medication. The symptoms it helped clear was cystic acne and it regulated my period so I wouldn’t go six months at a time without one.

To this day I always react to people bullying someone about their weight, even if the bully is that person. I make sure to say any good thing that crosses my mind, you look good today, etc. but I try to keep weight out of it. Lately I’ve been told that I look like I lost weight… and I know I haven’t. I just don’t need to lose any more especially since I am very content at how I am right now. I have never been as happy as I am about my body, especially because it just feels so much stronger. I had a set goal weight I wanted to go for at first, yet, I don’t care as much if I am at that exact weight or a few pounds above it because my body just feels good. It even shows in my career that I can give deeper massages that may have exhausted me if I did several in a row before and I don’t feel tired at all.

0907111815Through my journey I’ve had I have realized that finding love and appreciation for your body, and who you are, of course begins and ends within yourself. The kind of teasing and bullying I’ve been through for my weight is something I’d never wish upon any other woman or especially a child. Yet, I know as women we have to fight against not only what people say about how we look, or the media says, but also when we end up turning against ourselves as well.  To this day I don’t like it when people I don’t know tease me incessantly thinking they are funny and I will tell them every time to stop it. 

I am not one for resolutions or goals but I did have at least one this year that I will continue to love my body, treat it good, and maintain all the hard work I’ve done. I want to continue doing one of my passions I never thought I would have which is cooking 6-7 days out of the week. I’ve always been one to want to change little parts of me, my thighs, my stomach, and I’m learning to be content with what I’ve got. It’s a process continuing to love your body, especially when it seems like everyone is telling you that you need to fix any flaws that you have. I realize now my flaws are what make me… me, and that they can be the most beautiful thing about a person.

When clothes are your lifelong enemy

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAYou know those people you meet in life where their parents (mother) end up buying them all their clothes? If you haven’t met someone like that then meet me, I’ve been my mothers real life dress up doll for years. Why? Because, for one, it saved me money, but I think why it happened is because I passionately hate clothes and everything to do with clothes shopping.

Now, I’m on my own in a new place and things have changed. Plus, I have lost around 50 pounds since I moved, so I have the need to buy clothes. My clothes were so baggy on my body, especially jeans, that they were literally hanging off me. And I’m starting to learn something about myself and my life long battle against clothes shopping…

It may have been caused by years of shopping with my mother and bending to the clothes she liked and wanted to get. It doesn’t help your shopping experience when you are told if only you lost so much weight you would look okay. My lost weight happened because I made it happen, on my terms, and to help with my polycystic ovarian syndrome. It’s also nice to have yourself be your own stylist with what you like and want.

skinnyvsnotskinnyEven when I see her recently and I shopped once to get a couple of shirts and she would say how one would, “make me look skinny,” while another wouldn’t. I’ve heard so many times I can’t count how my stomach doesn’t work, the shirt isn’t baggy enough to hide it, or how my legs, my butt, just don’t look good. “If only you lost weight,” then I would be better.

So, when I finally set off on my own to get clothes that would fit my body better that hatred diminished as I tried on clothes that truly fit me. I didn’t get extra large clothes to hide my stomach, a size above what I needed, because I didn’t have that extra voice telling me to. And, though getting a hold on my style and how clothes look on my body is good, the money does add up. Luckily, my husband supports me with it and always encourages me that I am pretty to him no matter the weight, size, or how I feel. When I start feeling guilty about the money spent he just says clothes are a necessity, and he helps me feel better about it.

My discovery of an alliance with clothes is a surprise to me, and also such a new discovery. I’m developing my sense of style, a wardrobe that truly is me, while I try to find peace with myself. I am lucky enough to have a husband who reassures me every day and I know he has always loved my body.