Thinking of good comebacks after the fact

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHave you ever had someone say something to you and you really wish you had a comeback to give them right back? I had this recently happen to me and I will share it for an example:

Coworker: “Whoa! What happened to your hair?!”

Me: “I’ve been working… My hair gets fluffy when I work hard.”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI wish I had a better comeback and it always gets me the next day or even the next week for what to say. I also have this inner filter I try to keep on always because I don’t want to say something that would hurt someone’s feelings, even if that person is trying to rile me up. If a coworker looks especially nice a day that I work, I always make sure to tell them.

How a woman responds to a compliment is almost always, “uhhh… I look like crap today, are you blind??” so unfortunately even good comments have to be kept in check. I’ve learned the lesson of who will receive a compliment well, and who will make me feel like a dope for saying anything.

And, it’s okay to not say something nasty or smart as a comeback if you can’t think of anything to say in return until days later. Just laugh at the remarks and it’ll frustrate the person trying to put you down in that moment.

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Predator vs. Prey in my apartment

As you all may know, cats are predators and bunnies are generally prey animals. I woke up today thinking about the cat and I ran downstairs to check on it. It isn’t feeling the best because it’s stomach is a mess and it left a stinky present for me. I forgot when cats stomachs aren’t feeling well how bad their poop can be so I shook my head at the alley cat rolling around looking to play.

This cat acts more like a dog than a cat. Everything I did it followed me around like a dog. It just wanted to say by me and it ended up in our apartment while our bunny was in our pen. The cat followed me everywhere in the apartment and stayed glued to my side.

I always loved discovery channel where you would watch the predator vs. prey and I wondered how our bunny would handle the intruder. I kept trying to introduce them while our bunny was locked up in her pen and she stood her ground and stared at the cat.

My favorite thing about predator vs. prey was the prey getting away, but even better is when the prey stands down its opponent. When that prey animal turns around, charges, and scares off the predator trying to make a meal out of it. It’s a rarity on those programs, so I always got a kick out of it. And, as a kid I would rather watch discovery channel than cartoons any day.

Our bunny owns our apartment, I know that she knows it’s her space, but also she isn’t scared of anything. Our girl has been raised since 5 weeks with us so she knows a bigger animal won’t hurt her. The only thing that scares her is when I set off the fire alarms in the kitchen when I’m cooking. She was raised in a pet shop so she’s used to the sounds of dogs, cats, and is a pretty damn fearless little bunny,

So, here I am, real life in the flesh predator vs. prey showdown. The cat sees our bunny and flexes its claws, ramming it’s head against the bars to get closer. Our girl just watches, and then pokes her head out to sniff the cat. The cat jumps back in surprise, looking at me like, “what is going on here, it wants to sniff me?” I kind of laugh because I could have guessed this would happen, our bunny would stand her ground and not run away. The cat goes back in and my little bunny does something I’ve never seen her do before.

She stomps her back feet! It’s a loud thumping noise and scares the cat again. She stomps her feet once more and stares down that cat, like she is literally saying in her own words, “this is my home fur ball, get out!” I step in as the human reinforcement and pick up the furry lemur tailed cat so our bunny doesn’t have to charge or do anything else to state her opinion.

I have gotten myself in a straight up mess now and I don’t know what to do. This is a lovely, sweet cat but we can’t keep it. My husband can’t breathe and my bunny basically said without words get out of my place intruder. If I was back where we used to live I’d know what shelters to go to but now I don’t, and I’m lost, and a total mess. What I get for being nice, right?

There is no such thing as 120%

This whole move and everything is wearing both me and the man down a lot. He’s worn and torn by work, exhausted by the time he gets home and uncertain and afraid of what is going to happen with his job. I’m worried about where we will end up, if we will have to move, and the idea of leaving the place I work because even though I may complain about it, I do love the girls I work with. We had a breakdown yesterday where he was putting it on the table of what has been stressing him at all that. One of the things he said is he remembers when I used to smile more, though lately I don’t seem to be… or at least, not as much at home.

When I come home from work I generally overextend myself with what I do. I know physically I should be transitioning to my elbows more with massage, and I tend to push myself all day and try to bring as much positive energy to the plate. No matter what’s going on mentally or physically with me I will not give you an idea what’s happening, and refuse to show it.

I just have to remember to bring that same energy back home to him, but generally that is not the way it works out. I crash, and my walls I’ve had in place come tumbling down, and finally there is that moment to breathe. To be tired, to be hungry, and I don’t have to try to push myself past what I’m feeling. We had a class today all of us had to take at work and it was very interesting, and I found it very helpful. The teacher said something in it that I kind of needed to hear, though I will still push myself past my own limitations.

You can’t give 110%-120%, you can only give 100% of yourself. Once you start performing past that 100% and consistently do that you will breakdown. It’s impossible to keep stable. I think that it is what me and the man are going through lately. He is definitely pushing himself past 100% all the time, and I keep pushing past my own goals and what I demand of myself. It’s what you do when you’re a control freak too, trying to give more than the 100%.

It’s frustrating because I don’t know how to help. With him there’s nothing I can do besides support him and his decision and go with it. He said something last night, as we were sitting across from each other which stuck me. He said, “You didn’t ask to be dragged into this crap.” Referring to his job, the possible move, not knowing where we are going to be, and if I will have to look for another job and give up where I work and more.

And, I just kind of laughed, and said it didn’t matter if I didn’t ask to be a part of it. I was a part of his life, and he was a part of mine, and whatever crap we had to face we’d do it together. That is what relationships are for, through the triumphs, and through the worst of times, you look to each other for strength through your times of darkness and light. It’s just right now this is one of those worst of times, and it breaks my heart because he can’t even get excited about his favorite holiday. I’m supposed to be the Scrooge of this relationship, yet here I am, with pretty much all of my shopping done and the stuff I don’t have done I have a plan. He and I don’t even know if we will be able to see his family for Christmas. If we will be at another place by then, moved far away.

He’s so worried about me, and I’m so worried about him, so we end up worrying ourselves to death. It’s hard to let go, and to try to tell yourself it isn’t for you to control.

The Retail Smack down

The thing about our season where we are focused on Christmas (which happens right after Halloween) is that everyone gets so dirty with what they do. One of my girls I liked yesterday ended up changing my retail to her underneath my nose. I came across it just because I had a feeling about it and confronted her about it. I don’t think either of us suggested the product, but I already had a manager fix one of my big retail mess-ups where yet again it was put underneath someone else, not me.

Now, with that, I did go up to my client while she was searching through some of the face stuff and helped her from grabbing something I don’t think would be right for her skin. I double checked and saw it was underneath another person, which upset me. So, I had it changed and didn’t want to have another thing changed on top of it.

We get so emotional about it and feelings get hurt with the retail and fights break out. It gets worse during the holiday season so instead of just dealing with holiday stress, now you have to worry about screwing-you-over-stress.

Plus, we have this holiday game and anything to do with games and we get a little crazy. I have not done or finished any little square on our game, while others are just breezing through it. It’s just a little frustrating when you trust the people you work with but suddenly everyone is turning on everyone because they want their numbers to be the best. That is probably one of the things I least like about my work, we always seem to be fighting against each other when it comes to that.

I don’t blame anyone. Raises are done because of retail, and supposedly ‘paid vacation.’ When we don’t sell retail, or fall behind, or someone takes it and puts it under them, they literally are taking money out of our paycheck for when we get our next reviews.

The Difficult Decision Delayed

The man has been all worked up about the decision that may have to be made about his work and us moving. We’ve known for a while that it is possible, but having him have the interview makes it a lot more real for us. So, he is mainly worried about me and how I’m going to live without my family being nearby.

As much as I complain about them, and as much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I do love my family, depending on the day. They are like my support system, and even though my mother has all the secrets to driving me crazy, and pushes it sometimes (all the time) I still look to her for advice.

I’ve never lived without my family being close to me, physically. The man is afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it.

I know it’s better for me to reassure him that I can, and I try to do this, yet the truth is I don’t know how I’d deal with it. And, as much as my work can be tough on me, or I get overbooked, or whatever the problem, I still love working there. Looking for another job, just the idea of it, is a huge, huge stress. I have a rather difficult personality that either people get me, or they don’t. And if they don’t, I’m not willing to change who I am to make them deal with me better. I’m a rather goofy, fun-loving person, who is both determined, and passionate, about what she does for a career.

Even when he does get the interview who knows when they will contact him about it. He’s trying so hard, working on his off time, always worrying about his work and even on our vacation to Arizona he was still working. He tries to be there 24/7 for his job, yet it’s so much work that he’s behind. The man is leaving again for another business trip, and at the end of it he’ll be doing the interview. We just gotta be strong through all of these trials and changes and rely on each other.

If we had to move I’d try my best to make it work. It’s just not going to be easy in the least and I’d need to have a job first before I moved. Then, I’d maybe try to do some volunteer work on the side to keep me busy and maybe help me not miss my family as much.

Up-rooted

I’ve had a whole weekend of feeling up-rooted. On Thursday night the man tells me that us moving away is, yet again, a prime probability.  The forces within his work are clicking, and falling together, but just out of alignment. They don’t tell anyone anything and there isn’t a soul who knows if their job is up in jeopardy, if they will have one, if they will get a job but then sign something that says they will be cycled out of the job within 3-4 years. And, the moving away thing actually might give him the opportunity to move up and progress further while if he stays here they will just put him in a career box and within 3-4 years might just give him the boot.

The honest truth is I don’t really want to move. I have my family here, my work here, and my life here. But, if it’s what I need to do that’s best for him, that gives him the opportunity to stay within the company and not get phased out, but not only that, be able to move up the ladder, it’s what I gotta do. It’s the sacrifice I have to make, we have to make.

Or, so, this is what I keep telling myself. He may still not get the move away position even if he contacts them, but if he doesn’t, he definitely doesn’t get it. If we wait then this will be gone and he’ll be given the slim pickings they’ve been talking about.

I’ve given him the okay to apply for it, to go after the this one job that if they accept him, we are moving. And, I don’t know how I’m going to have the strength to deal with it. He would move down first without me, and then on my days off I’d fly back and forth interviewing for jobs because I can’t keep my sanity if I’m not working. I’m just so weird like that, plus I want to have my own in-come coming in.

It’s just I miss him so much when he’s gone, he’s supposed to be gone on business not just once this month, but twice. It’s weird but I almost get really home sick for him.

Then, I received a card from one of my long-time, repeat clients and I was completely surprised. All day I had been thinking about leaving, and the possibility of it, so I was in a funk I couldn’t quite shake and I was just trying to avoid everyone. She got me at the end of my day and I opened it up and it was a three-year anniversary card. I mean, how sweet is that? I opened it up and looked down at it, my eyes darted up to hers, and then I just started choking up and almost crying. She had been seeing me ever since I started working, and she got me one of the sweetest gifts I have ever gotten from a client. On a day I was just fighting to stay afloat.

There is just one person who knows about the man’s work situation and what it might mean, and I’ve been avoiding her too. My mom was told about it and immediately went back to checking out salons/spas in the area that we’d be moving to. It’s just everything is up in the air so I’m the same way. My heart just goes out to my fiancée, he does a great job, and works so hard, and not only does he not know what is going to happen, but all of the other people who work for this company. He just keeps working, even on his off days, and tries his best.

He is the bread-winner and I am more of the… butter winner.

That isn’t so sexy… how about something else?

I am more than an advocate for my honey always telling me how pretty, and how sexy I am even in my worst of times. But, even he has his moments where I want to shake him. I was walking around in my comfortable P.J.s and he asked me where my other ones were. I thought I knew where they were, but didn’t know why he was asking me.

“Because those ones are sexier…” 

To which he had me stomping around trying to find the ‘sexy’ ones so that I didn’t look like I was in a sack. Of course, I know what he means, but still. If you like sexier PJs then get them for me, if not, I will wear my comfortable stuff especially after work. I then changed into something, and grabbed a different top, and he told me he’d like the first thing I’d wear instead of what I was holding.

I swear, seriously? I cooled down later, of course, but was huffing for a bit after that.

Usefulness equates productiveness

There is something about my work that gets me really frustrated. Weekends I am slammed, murdered somewhat with the physical work and I have to resurrect myself to do it all over again and then get a breather buffer day before I hop back into it. My weekday tends to be slow, much slower than my weekend so I have sporadic clients. I am a self-sufficient person and will keep myself busy with what needs to be done without you asking me. Just don’t punish me for what I don’t have control over, which is not having clients come in. It’s not like I’m sitting back there, twiddling my thumbs, complaining about how bored I am (which is what A LOT of people sometimes do).

I make the best out of a situation with what I’m given. Yet, it’s still not enough. I am still sent home.

There are many people who I can’t even count when they have gotten sent home. It’s like, impossible. But, me? Not so impossible, very probable. I feel actual anxiety waiting for them to track me down and say those dreaded words: “You can go home now.” What if I don’t want to go home? What if, since I’m part-time, nearly full-time, I need every hour I can get? And no, not breaking my hands/wrists/arms doing chair massages until I literally injure myself. I can’t do it without hurting like I can with a table, there is no oil, no leverage, no using my body. Just me squeezing my hands until they cry for mercy.

Yet, what I do besides the physical labor of me massaging I feel like is not seen as being productive enough in their eyes.

It’s just that I hate feeling like I’m not wanted, a burden, not beneficial if I don’t have clients. I understand you need to make money, but I also need to save my body. And massaging 24/7 is not “working smart.” It’s just very frustrating to be chased out of work like you are a witch and they running after you with burning stakes trying to get you the hell out of there. Oh well, it’s what they do, right? I’ll be working this weekend so I am already 90% or so booked so I can be alone in my room all day with my clients doing what I’m supposed to do.

You don’t get it

I hate feeling like I’m being judged. I hate people judging me for something that they don’t understand, they couldn’t understand, and that they make me feel like a bad person for the situation I’m in and the anger I feel. That’s how I felt yesterday when I was talking to someone I consider a friend about what was up with me. She asked me how me and the man were, I said we were good, which we are. He takes care of me especially after a hard day of working… and that can be a simple thing of him just listening. Which is what happened with dinner yesterday, he listened about my day since Friday the 13th I just growled at him when he asked me how it went. He loves me and goes out of his way to make me feel better, like the cute little mini-cupcakes he surprised me with since my Friday sucked so much.

She seemed to be probing to see if things between him and I really were, “good.” and I told her that my main issue was family. The mom and dad? she asked me. I’m like, yeah, well, of course. One of my clients during the massage asked how my dad was doing, and I felt like a vein in my head started throbbing. People should not ask me a question they probably know is not a good one to ask when I’m rubbing them because when you’re angry you do massage harder without even knowing it. 

I told my client he was a bad dog. He is, he’s selfish, and he’s doing things that will hurt my Mom and he’s starting fights with me the few times that we talk… which is hardly ever. I have nothing to say to him. All he does is bitch, bitch, bitch about himself. I told my client there are some people who can’t look outside themselves, and that’s the way it is.  I couldn’t lie and say he was good, I’m an awful liar.

My friend doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand the situation. How much it makes me angry, how terrible it is to wait for what will happen next, what stupid thing he’ll do next, what fight he might get in with me just because he can. The thing is, she has a good family situation. She loves her grandparents, loves her mom, loves her dad, she can’t understand how I can be the way I am with my ‘family.’ How I can cut myself from people who hurt me, because she’s not like that. And so, I kicked myself. I kicked myself for ever talking about it in the first place. I should have said fine, and if she started bothering me about it that I didn’t want to talk about it.

I should have known better than to talk about it. But, I was still upset from my client asking me out the blue how he was. Whenever I’ve  forgiven my Dad he’s done something to make me regret forgiving him. It’s the same with my Mom, she’ll just deal with it, and now she’s coming to that point where it’s hard to deal with. Hard to be around him… no one knows what this is like with the situation me and mom are in and I don’t want anyone that knows me to know. I generally don’t give a damn what people think of me, but when it’s a friend and you think they’re judging you… it’s harder.

Strained Lower Back

I never thought that my lower back would go out and force me to take time off of work… I thought my arms, my hands, or definitely my upper back and shoulders, but my lower back was the last on my list. I’ve never had lower back issues… okay, correction, I did once before because of a tail bone injury from falling off of my horse and landing on my butt purposely. Why the butt? Because, it was just so damn cushy and wouldn’t cause a broken arm, leg, ect. But, the tail bone injury was nothing compared to this.

A lower back strain, it happened Saturday night after work. Intensified especially when I went on my trip to Boston Tues through Thurs, and I ended up coming back early Thursday because of the pain. I couldn’t brush my teeth, or reach for my toothbrush without throwing out my back. I couldn’t sleep because every time I woke up it was near impossible to get out or in bed. I’m here today, in bed, not working either Friday or today because I need this to heal. I was put on an anti-inflammatory drug and Viccadin, and told to do some exercises which I’ve been trying to do.

I’m incredibly tired, to the point I just want to sleep and lay in bed all day long. The pain isn’t near as much as Sat.-Thurs. when it was its worst, and I can bend better, and move out of the bed better too, but it’s still not 100%. I’ve never had an injury like this that has made me scared that I can’t continue with this job profession. How am I supposed to massage when I feel like it’s near impossible to stay awake or walk for too long? I love what I do, and I love it with a passion, and I enjoy where I work and love even more the people I work with… I don’t want to be like the massage therapist I saw who used to work at the spa and is now working at a dollar store. Umm… no thanks.

I’ve never had such pain before in my life, so constant, and so unmanageable. I just wanted to cry all the time, especially when I just woke up. There was nothing I could do to stop or ease the pain, on the Boston trip I had fun but I dreaded every morning that I woke up because it got so much worse. I want this to be over with, and I want to be back to my normal self doing what I love to do.