‘Skinny’ is a dirty word?

This or That? I'll take That.

I want it. The girls at work want it, my managers wants it, my clients want to have it. Acquire it, become it, transform themselves into it. They eat kosher hotdogs with no bun, self-made salads at home, don’t even eat a lunch but a little bit of crackers and hummus and that’s good. They talk about how stressed they are, then say on the plus side that since they are stressed in may make them lose a few pounds. So, of course, this is a definite plus. I look at them, and they are beautiful. Certain body parts they have I envy, or like my friend I met with on Sunday, she is like gorgeous. But, totally denies it.

I do too. I want that. I’ve wanted that since I went from a tiny little girl, tall, leggy, skinny, and I hit puberty and became… this. Which means I got curves, ballooned out, was the first to get a chest in my class, and went from around 100 pounds, or less, to 190 or so. But, luckily, I got the height to cover it and the extra stuff gets placed in places I don’t mind (like the chest, my butt) but I still have places I do mind, which is say, my thighs. 

I’ve always been told to lose weight. I’ve always been told since I changed from that tall little lanky girl to what I am now what a transformation it was. My mother was a big pusher for it, my father, my brother, everyone. I felt I wasn’t right, if I just lost those pounds maybe I’d acquire perfection. Maybe I’d come across the guy of my dreams then, he’d take a look at me, see how skinny I was and how I shed what I was, and just say, “Wow.”

But, it didn’t happen like that. He had lost a ton of weight, I hadn’t, he looked at me and said “Wow” because I’m guessing my personality just shined. I was feeling super sassy with a chocolate martini in my hand and the moment I looked at him I knew I wanted him. Yet, I also knew I didn’t want to date. So, I was mean to him, and he didn’t give up. Now, he’s having a struggle with the weight issue and wanting it off, and it being difficult. I don’t know how to help him with it, besides saying I love him, and I’m here for him. To tell you the truth I’m not even sure what to do about my obsession with weight that I try to quench.

It’s just never-ending that even when I lose weight, and I do good, and I’ve made a change in my life for the better to watch what I eat and be more aware… it’s not enough. I’ve lost about 15-20 pounds depending on the day and have kept it off for months and months. Sometimes I want to push myself past that. There was a moment in my life where I had lost 40-50 pounds, and was at the skinniest I had been since when I was that lanky little girl. Even with all that weight lost (mainly by not eating) I was still only a size 10-12.

Losing all that weight was because I was incredibly depressed, for many reasons: death, not being able to get anywhere in my life, an abusive boyfriend, which was the first one I ever had too, on top of so many other things. I didn’t have the will to eat. It was kind of rough, I was a shell of the person who I knew I was.

I love my girls at work, and they are beautiful. Some of them are just drop dead gorgeous, and totally skinny. But, even the skinny ones want to be even more skinny. They think they are fat. And I tell them, you are so pretty, and what are you saying you are fat/need to lose weight/aren’t right right now? And they kind of blow me off when I tell them they are just as pretty as can be.

Of course, in the same sense, like when I was told I was pretty yesterday after I had make-up put on me I basically told them to bug off. I even said that without make-up, no one says anything, never compliments me, nothing, but with it on? You guys all flock to me and think I’m just the cat’s meow. One gal even said I was ‘sassier’ with make-up on. I don’t even know how that happens, except probably I felt a little annoyed that I never get any attention when I’m ‘normal’ Sarah being told I’m pretty, only when I’m ‘made-up’ Sarah. Plus, I’m too lazy to put on make-up, I’m just too lazy, and it’s not me.

It’s an up-hill battle. I’ve even tried working out every day of the week for 2-3 hours at once and I lost like… 3-5 lbs. Ridiculous! But, once I changed how I eat, what I eat, and became a little more careful, and stopped exercising like a mad woman, I lost the 15 lbs. I just don’t understand how this works sometimes, and I’m like my girls at work. The grass is always greener on the size smaller pants.

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