Is my introversion showing?

DSC00156As much as I can fool everyone else that I am an extrovert I just can’t do the same with myself, and you better believe I have tried. Sometimes you just know as a kid that being around with people drains you, and that you totally crave ‘me‘ time. I was always that quiet and shy kid who always loved to just be alone with herself and my imagination would just run wild. If I ever was sent to my room for being bad or whatever reason I would relish in the quiet time and bring out my toys to play with them.

The only thing that has changed about me is I know how to handle people to make them feel at ease. I know how to make them believe that I am an extrovert and being considered an extrovert seems to make people feel comfortable. I put a lot of energy into being outgoing, loud, and fun at work which is who I am, but I don’t have enough energy at the end of my work day to go out and be social. After a day where I push myself all I can think about is coming home to my husband and being quiet and just taking it easy.

005With my job you can have some down time and when there’s down time people expect me to be around other people. On certain days I can push myself to be social and interact, but sometimes, I just can’t and that is when I generally keep to myself. During these forced quiet times I think that my introversion is showing, and I try my best to not to let it show, yet I can’t deny when all I want to do is recharge in peace and quiet.  My profession of massage has me being with people all the time when I’m busy, and if I have a day when my clients want to talk during their session I can get particularly exhausted. Luckily, it tends to be unusual for a client that needs to talk during their massage and even more peculiar for there to be more than one in a day.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve become quite accustomed to the declaration that I am crazy. Pretty much everyone says it and growing up as a kid who was always called strange and an oddball I’ve learned to wear it like a badge of honor. My favorite thing to say in response, though I have many, is You wish you could be this kind of crazy!” Even when I was younger the other kids would try to bully me about my strangeness, and my anti-social nature, and back then I would still take it as a part of myself. I was unique, extremely unusual, and there was really nothing wrong with who I was unless I wanted to believe them.

So, on days where I know my introversion is showing I just tell myself it is a part of me. I can dance, and be goofy, and be crazy without a second thought but when I come home it’s time to press that recharge button.

Craziness is in your Blood

Flower picture taken by me from a recent trip with my family

I know I have talked about my crazy family, but I think that every family has doses of craziness in it. Mine is dysfunctional at times, but I end up being thankful for having a stronger relationship with my brother that doesn’t involve us beating each other into the ground. With the miles separating me not just from my brother, but my mother as well, I find myself missing them especially in the hours I have where the hubby is working.

My brother has never been much for phone calls, so updates on how he is doing are so brief that it’s basically an “yeah, things are fine” and the phone conversation is over. My brother I would say is most like my mom in terms of them both being very high strung and they have a hard time relaxing. I am more relaxed and only tend to freak out in situations where I have an intense fear (like getting lost).

I miss not being able to see my brother once a week with my mom and going into the city to see him and having food at all the great places you can dine at. I also realize eating the way I was and going out every day certainly wasn’t healthy and I found it near impossible to keep up my fitness routine once I was back with my mom. I would have to go out walking for an hour late at night, since she normally stays out until 9pm every day.

But, I remember with my walks outside I noticed things about where I was born and raised that I never noticed before. How clear the stars are in the sky, the feel of the crisp air once the heat died down, and going back into the city it looked even more beautiful than I had ever imagined. Even in the heat of the summer there was always this cool breeze I never noticed but I definitely appreciated. It looked familiar being back with my family, yet I saw it in a whole new light.

Trying to keep up with my fitness bug and walking late at night I saw all sorts of animals, from a great owl walking around on the ground, to a hoard of baby raccoon and the momma raccoon leading them around.

Even though I was back with my family I couldn’t help feeling off and empty without the hubby. I missed not being there to greet him when he got home, I missed having him near me in the late hours. At night when I walked and it was so beautiful outside I wish he was there with me to feel and see it all. It was a whole mixed bag, being happy to be back, yet wanting him to be back there with me. I missed his compassion and went back to the feeling of what it was like when he moved without me and we were separated.