Memories of my Grandma

214I’ve been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, it seems like the tiniest things will remind me of her or make me think about her. She recently passed, and I made my trek back home for the funeral short notice. My grandmother was a strong willed, immovable force kind of woman. She was a matriarch, the head of everyone, and we didn’t quite see eye-to-eye on many things. Yet, she and I had a lot more in common and did have some fun times.

She was a green thumb type of person, naturally very gifted with plants. My grandmother was also a big bird watcher, so lately when I’ve been seeing birds I tend to think of her. It’s just a passing thought of how she’d love it, with the birds being so close, and some of them being the types she’d love to see.

I try not to remember my grandmothers funeral, how I knew that this time I wasn’t too young to understand what was going on. It was my first open casket, or at least the first and only one I remember in my life. It was my brother who prompted me to actually look in the casket, to say my goodbye fully instead of just trying to look past the person in there without really seeing it. There was a time when he wanted to say goodbye to a person, and unfortunately, he couldn’t see them and hadn’t see them for so many years and he wasn’t given the chance.

I kept on saying in my head, whatever you do, don’t cry. Don’t show them tears, just don’t do it. I’m not very close with that side of the family, I’ve always been an outsider, and I’ve accepted that as I’ve gotten older. This promise to myself not to break down would, of course, be broken.

It was the last goodbye to my grandmother, the time before her burial. I saw the person in front of me kiss my grandmother goodbye, and I couldn’t fight it. I cried, seeing her for the last time, my mother beside me whispering for me to stop crying, and then she starts crying too. It was surreal, seeing her there for the last time, almost like it was impossible, yet it was possible.

Now I think of her and little things remind me, a fleeting thought, birds, flowers, memories flooding back for a moment.

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  1. I have a friend who receintly passed. She choose to be cremated and not have a funeral. There will be a memorial service by one of her last remaining relatives who is a pastor somewhere. But because of Easter and a fully books April, she scheduled her memorial service for May. It must have been strange to be alive and dying and making your own funeral and memorial arraingements. It’s only been a week or two. So I still think of her several times a day. I can’t see anything stitched or beaded or see cats without thinking of her. Since I have cats, and cat figures at work, I do needle crafts so I have finished items at home and work, that means lots of things trigger thoughts of here. I feel bad that I didn’t go see here at the Hospice. I didn’t go because I didn’t know what to say. If I’m honest with myself, I was afraid. Of what exactly, I don’t know. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel guilty for not going to say good-by while she was still alive.

    • I am so sorry that your friend recently passed! It is amazing when that person leaves how many simple things will trigger remembering them and memories of them, and I guess you can just try and look at it as they would probably want to be remembered with a smile with memories of them. I can totally relate with you about being afraid to visit your friend in Hospice, I have that same intense fear and it is very hard for me to ignore or to come to terms with. It doesn’t stop you from feeling guilty, but I have also had that fear of visiting someone in Hospice, so you definitely aren’t alone with this feeling!

  2. I totally understand.Its truly crazy that you can’t fathom the idea that you will not see her again. But then it is… because you moved on or life did.

    • Very true Marina, it just is almost surreal the thought of not seeing her again, it just doesn’t feel possible in some way.

  3. There’s something oh-so-special about a grandmother… And I don’t think we ever stop missing them. 🙂 Hugs!!


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