Booking a Boudoir Photo Shoot

When I look at pictures of myself I am always trying to hide something. Having a picture taken of me is like the worst form of punishment because I never think that I look good in them. If I’m not trying to pose a certain way to hide my stomach the picture was probably taken without me knowing. That’s what comes to me when I think of pictures, hiding a part of my body, or being ashamed of it once I see it.

budiouphotoI think that a boudoir photo shoot is maybe the perfect way to face my body, accept it, and have pictures where I’m not trying to cover everything. Any other point in my life I’d think about doing something like this and laugh, but I’ve booked the photo shoot and I’m getting together the clothes (or lack thereof) that I need for it. After I booked my appointment I got this email of what to expect for it, wear bright lingerie, bring lotion and false eyelashes if you want them applied for the shoot.

It’s funny how my appointment, which I booked finally over a month ago, is coinciding with all of my interviews I’ve been doing this week. I’m not sure if this is a reward, or one more thing to be stressed about.

I don’t really own any high heels, or makeup, and I’ve never bought false eyelashes in my life. Now, I did have the false eyelashes for my wedding so I know they look good on, it’s just I don’t even know what to look for with getting them. To say that I’m not a girlie girl is a definite understatement, but this whole new life in a new place has taught me to do things I’d normally laugh at. Or, even try something that I could never see myself doing.

My boudoir photo shoot is booked, coming up, and I am looking forward to it. It will either be an escape, or another thing to worry about, but I’m doing it either way.

My mind is a muddle

140First off, thank you everyone who commented and wished me luck with the interviews. I really feel like I have a great group of friends here who are also fellow bloggers. You guys have helped me especially when it came to my move, and with all of my lackluster job searching over the past few months. I know I’ve said this before, but your support and encouragement is always so appreciated.

I think it’s a good thing, yet still completely overwhelming, to go from nothing from so long to something. My husband is sweet, he keeps on telling me that he’s proud of me for not giving up after months of sending out resumes. He also tells me to only take a job that will keep me happy, and as I’ve said before he’s been so supportive since the move and helping me when I’ve felt less than confident.

My life when it comes to jobs is very spoiled, I admit it, but there’s been struggles within the jobs I’ve experienced. Being a dog groomer was exhausting, much more so than even being a massage therapist. I had a great team of women to work with though with my first ‘job’ and an amazing manager who I loved to work with. She was understanding, patient, and very kind to me. The other dog groomers were very fun to work with, and we would help each other out on busy days.

When I decided on massage school I was in a stuck part of my life. I needed to find a career, but I was unsure what I wanted. I needed a career where I was active in it, since I really enjoyed the running around and activity of being a dog groomer.

I ended up with another great group of women to work with, like in the pet salon, and what I learned from my job at the spa for four years taught me things I didn’t know about myself. My goal is to exceed in excellence, I need to keep on challenging myself with my career and what I’m doing. No matter how I feel, or what is going on in my life, I need to give an amazing service to every client. I want my clients to feel like not only that was a good service, it was great, and I delivered what they needed for that massage.

0906111858bThere is that need now to have someplace which challenges me, with great coworkers, and hopefully someplace where continuing Ed is a must. You can’t be expected to get better at this career if you’ve stopped learning. That’s the beauty of massage, the only end to continuing education is if you give up on it.

I’ve been so lucky, and in the same thought, this has been my reason to be rather scared of job searching. This is because of my happiness I’ve had at my jobs, and that happiness hasn’t been found without struggle, pain, and frustration. It’s always been the people who work with me though who get me fired up about coming to work, and of course, my clients. My clients are my number one priority when I’m massaging, and I never seem to be able to duplicate the same massage every time.

It’s like my cooking, I never keep track of what I’m doing, yet, the food comes out really great. That’s why I think I don’t even get bored with my own technique, because I’m always modifying it according to my client.

The Prospects

131I gotta admit, I am a little overwhelmed this week with what is going on. First off, we just recently got back from our trip to a very cold, yet, beautiful area for my husband’s birthday. I am yet to be unpacked, and surprisingly through maybe a deal with black magic I have two job interviews lined up for next week. These two job interviews are the first I’ve ever had since moving, and I have been moved and looking for a place to work for more than six months.

I always thoroughly research places before I send them my resume. First off, I google map where they are located, secondly I read all of their reviews, and thirdly I find the place. I try to drive there beforehand so I can remember how to get to it better. Whenever I’ve been to a place before its easier for me to find than if I never saw it before. Maps aren’t my thing, I can’t read them, and getting lost is awful but what’s even worse is arriving late with a job on the line.

There is the one massage job located nearby to where I live. It looks very pretty, from a far of course, and I can’t believe I got an interview there. The location is closer to where I’m living. The second is the exact opposite, actually a little more of a drive but not bad, and they would be in a cute little lifestyle mall. Little boutique shops are all around it and it does look like nice inside as well.

172Of course, having an interview doesn’t mean that I’m guaranteed a job, but it does mean I have two feet in the door. I’m very nervous, and anxious about both and I hope I interview well. I’ve tried the idea of having my own business but I don’t feel safe with going to a house for massage unless if I know them well. I’m not closing the door on that thought, but I know I really do love working with a team than by myself.

An investment worth the price of admission

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAMy way of spending money is actually to save it to the best of your ability for those things in life that will totally change the way you look at the world. You might be asking what can change your outlook on the world? For me at least the answer to this question has always been to travel, especially to places outside of our comfort zone. Once upon a time I had a guy I was with who made travel easy to do, but the experience would happen to be a headache sometimes.

My husband gets me and my need to travel, and he has luckily been very understanding with my trips back home to visit my family. Traveling with him is fun and can challenge us as a couple.

An example is our honeymoon where we went swimming in the ocean and I came face to face for the first time with sharks. This was about the most experience of my life and I was so excited! Unfortunately, my poor husband didn’t feel well swallowing way too much saltwater. I was having problems with foot cramps so I prematurely crawled back up on the boat and found out my husband had gotten sick. I rubbed his back and asked him if he wanted me to stay with him, but he shook his head no. He said that he knew how much I loved swimming in the ocean so I should go back in, and he was going to sit and relax on the boat.

That’s the thing about travel sometimes, the experience can be made that much more amazing when you can share it with a person you love. Every time I’ve traveled with my husband it’s been so much fun, so little stress, and I love how it can change us as a couple. We learn more about each other, or fall even more in love because of their selfless acts. Our honeymoon was a lot of money, yet it was so worth the investment.

Traveling for me can be made into an experience of relaxation if you visit a tropical paradise, a state of exploration, or even a history lesson depending on where you visit. Connecting with other travelers, locals who live there, or if my husband and I are traveling, other couples is what makes a trip for me extra special.

The places you visit where you can have that connection of meeting other people is a favorite of mine for the reason to travel. I love the differences we have depending on a certain location, or the opposite with our similarities being a fun thing to compare. I even have come to love flying because I always end up with a travel buddy on the airplane and we get to talking about our lives. This has happened a lot with me taking trips back to visit with family and I always seem to pick up a travel buddy when I’m by myself.

Flashing a stranger my bra

No, I did not take a one ticket plane ride to Vegas, got drunk, and took off all of my clothes without knowing, this was intentional. I thought I was prepared for the semi-annual sale to try on the limited amount of lingerie that interested me and was, of course, discounted. Lingerie being discounted is like catnip for me. I’ve taken notice of the women with dilated pupils clawing through bras and panties so I was not the only one.

The first time I came, the line had twenty people in it, the second time just as much, and I’ve learned that don’t buy something you haven’t tried on… Especially with a bra. That bra may look so pretty in the store, like my recent rhinestone bra I bought without trying on with the last sale. But, when you wear it with a clingy shirt it makes you look like some kind of bumpy breasted monster. I love looking at the bra, it’s my first and last sparkly bra because it shows through all of my clothes. I am now wary of rhinestone on any bras.

Luckily, this time, there were only three people ahead of me in line and so I took my place. My turn came up and the lady asked for my name, and something I wasn’t expecting.

What’s your bra size?

I kind of looked back at her, thinking knowing a bra size should help them if I need help. I told her last time I was measured what the size was, she looked at my chest, and shook her head.

I don’t think your that size, I think you might be this size. Let me measure you again.

I said that was fine, and maybe thought about measuring because of losing a lot of weight recently. She shook my hand twice, and I assumed the position of arms out to the side, and then at my waist. She told me the size she thought I was at bra wise, and went back to get it. The bra she came back with was tiny, and I kind of held it out in front of me with a surprised look. “I just am so not fitting myself in this, I mean, yeah, I just don’t think this will fit…”

It was my turn and I took my tiny bra and my reduced bras in the bag with me. They told me to try on the tiny bra, press the button when I was ready, and then my bra expert would be in to check it out. I rarely flash women my bra, if this happens I’m probably in Vegas wearing too low-cut of a shirt. I squeezed myself into that tiny bra and watched as my chest exploded from all sides, and front.

She has got to see this, which was my first thought. I pressed the button, she came in, and I pointed out the spillage from all sides. I went up another size, still felt like the bra had a vice grip on my breasts. I went up another size, it was better, I could breathe, but I still felt like my original size was the one I was most comfortable in. Then, the whole collection of bras were pushed underneath my door to try on in the I’mnotgoingtodie sized bra and I was seriously overwhelmed. There was like eight bras for different styles and to see which one I liked best.

I took a breath, and turned my attention to the two bras and cute little sleep number that I had originally brought with me. All I could think about was the line outside waiting for a room to open up and it’d only take me a little bit to see if I liked them. Plus, bra shopping is like bathing suite or jean shopping for me, it seriously gets uncomfortable trying on multiples and it gets less fun as I keep on going. I tried them on, liked them but didn’t necessarily love them like I can’t live without them in my life.

Then I remembered the boudoir photo shoot I bought and I have to muster up the courage to do one of these days. I needed a sexy little thing for that! Went back to the sales rack, came back, tried this little corset sexy thing on. It was in the size of one of the tiniest bra sizes they tried me in, and it definitely didn’t fit as a corset either. I was bummed since it was so cute on, and all I needed was just one size bigger. I went back to the racks, kept hoping for that one size bigger but it alluded me.

I left there empty-handed and with all of my excitement for shopping for discounted panties and bras sucked out of me. I flashed a lady  my bra repeatedly and squeezed myself into tiny sizes that squished my chest from all sides. Oh, and I locked my keys in my car and my husband had to drop off my spare key… It was quite a day.

“I don’t eat salads” What?

saladI must admit, saying this statement will definitely get a reaction every time. Sometimes, I let it slip because a waiter or someone is pushing me to eat a salad. Most of the time, is my husband who just loves to say that his wife doesn’t eat vegetables when people think his vegetables are mine. This time, I was caught saying it at one of our favorite stores to stop by and the man talking to us about them was mentioning how the oils and vinegar didn’t have to be used just on salads.

Me: “Oh, I know, I don’t eat salads. I always use the vinegar for a marinade for meat, it really works good on them.
He laughed, shook his head with pure disbelief on is face and admitted something I could have guessed,
I’ve never heard a woman say that she doesn’t eat salads, I’ve never head that before.
Then, a lady to my left overhearing the conversation butts in, “You don’t eat salads?! Then what do you eat?! You wouldn’t be happy at our house, we eat vegetables every day. My kids can’t leave the table until they’ve finished all their vegetables.”

I said, why yes, pushy lady who I obviously wasn’t talking to I wouldn’t last at your house. I wouldn’t stay at your house if you forced me to eat stuff I wouldn’t eat. She gave me this scathing look up and down, just staring at me in disbelief. As if, a grown woman who refused to eat vegetables just wasn’t supposed to be alive. I also informed her I am a healthy adult, I go in to see my doctor every year and I am not predisposed to anything and I haven’t had any ill health reports.

She ignored me after I made sure to stand my ground, just like I have done since I was a kid. The guy in retail who was talking to me instead gave me a once over, and smiled. He said that he had two daughters just like me, refusing to eat vegetables and fruits, and he had tried to get them to but now he leaves them alone. They are now in college and he worries that they may not be healthy, but he figures they are an adult now and they will figure it out.

319919_1975714788888_1123630225_31682279_2101631656_nI was really happy about this man opening up about his daughters because I know there are more kids, teenagers, adults out there just like me… “picky eaters.” I have been made fun of for what I eat, how I eat, and teased so relentlessly throughout my entire life. It would mess with me so much that when I went to work I would try my best to eat alone. I hated people watching me at work because I was afraid I’d be made fun of, and part of that reason is that I have severe TMJ so eating is always really loud. My jaw pops and clicks so loudly that I can hear it in my ears and everyone else can hear my every bite I make. Another reason was what I ate, and being teased for what I ate it even more difficult to try new things.

I told the man at the store, who was worried about his daughters and their pickiness to just support them as best as he can. And to never, ever, tease them or make fun of them, and don’t put up for anyone else giving them a hard time. I told him that if he leaves them alone, they will probably be like me and become curious about other foods. I’ve tried fruits in my diet I would never have thought to touch, humus, so many new foods because I am genuinely interested in them. There was even a couple of times where I tried meatless foods from one of the vegetarians at my old workplace, and I tried out soy drinks.

The way that woman with the kids at the store treated me is what I was used to. But, the man talking to me honestly was nice. And, I don’t think I will work up to eating a salad, but that’s okay… That’s just me.

The Game Changer when you fall

214I’ve never been one to dream of getting married, rather I’ve been the complete opposite. The last thing I could see myself doing, and this is before I met my husband, was getting married. My history with men has not been good at all, and this has been even at a young age. What I’ve gone through with life has built me into a guarded and protected person. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember, I was always afraid of relationships, or even friendships.

My fear was the fact of getting hurt, and a lot of people who have come across me understand me on the surface. When I met my husband for the first time, I felt something I had scoffed at in those predictable romantic comedy movies.

It was love at first sight, but even more than that, it was love at first words. He just seemed to get me when we first interacted, I loved our banter we had going on and how he could keep up with me. He was funny, fun-loving, one of those types of people who entered the room and lit it up. I knew there was an age difference because I’ve always been interested in older men… It’s like what I’m programmed for. I just didn’t know how much the age difference would be, and it turned out to be not a small amount, but not enough for me to give up on what I felt that first time I met him.

I felt really, genuinely happy being with him. So, of course, you know what I did? I shot him down for my phone number, severely, and he left the party. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in a relationship again, I had planned not to and had accepted the fact I didn’t want to be with anyone.

If I wanted to take a chance on my emotions really showing I knew I would have to hope he’d come to a party the next day. And, I’d have to decide if I could really let this new found great thing slip out of my fingers like I’ve done so many times before. My choice ended up to chose the unknown, but not after seeing my husband a second time, shooting him down again and finally giving him my phone number the next day because I tracked down his email.

pongEvery day I feel like sometimes the fight for that love is easy, and other times it may be more difficult. One of you may fall down, and you need to be that rock. And other times, while normally you’re strong, suddenly you need that support all the time. I’ve never moved so far in my life, and I’ve never had to struggle for a job without even a single response like I have in this new place.

What I’ve gone through in life that has made me a more guarded and protected person are my scars. They are invisible to anyone else, and I keep them covered up with a smile as my barrier. I’m just happy I have that one person, my husband, to show them to. I’ve never felt the spark before in me when I first saw him and even more when we first started talking. To make me change my mind about everything I thought I knew, I knew he was that special person. He was a game changer, that person who didn’t ask me to ever change and to always be myself.