I Live Like I’m Poor

I have these huge issues with money, and I think it’s all stemmed from my childhood. My parents have always fought over money from when I was just a kid and even up until this day. Watching them always fighting about money, and every time money was brought up there would be a huge fight. I think that even my brother has been affected by this because he seems to be careful with his money. Since I first started receiving money for birthdays, Christmas, or whatever the occasion, I have squirreled away said money.

I never used the money to buy something immediately afterwards, such as candy, like a normal kid probably would. I had a bank account when I was around 12 years old so I’d go to the bank and put my money in there. I might save the money up over years and buy that thing I really wanted. When I was just a kid I saved the $25 I’d get for Christmas and my birthday over several years to finally get $200. I went to a tack shop and saw this horse stable for plastic horses, and bought the little wooden stable with my money I had saved up.

But, besides those rare moments, I don’t allow myself to get anything. I live like I’m poor, and log my money that I spend from the cash I use, to my debit/credit card, and write it down in this file I have on my computer. I categorize everything I spend money on, from food, to groceries,  and every little thing I might spend my money on. There is a separate file I have for my monthly bills and how much I spend on them.

My fiancée definitely doesn’t do this, and I’m the only one I know who does keep such a money tally. He works a lot differently when it comes to money, he is not a saver, and this is something I’m more than aware of. It’s one of the things my parents constantly fight about, one spends more, one tends to save more, and the one who does the spending gets yelled at every time there is a new receipt on the counter. I don’t want me and the man to ever be like this, so when he spends his money, I don’t attack him and try not to bite his head off. It’s difficult because my first reaction is to chastise him for it, but I try to stop before I can act out that reaction.

I don’t want him to lie and hide what he does with his money because I’m going to come down hard on him every time he buys something. It’s just I have such a complex about money and I find myself planning ahead for when I don’t have a job and I’m getting nervous about it … of course. I’m trying to stay calm and not revert back to my crazy ways, but the thought of being unemployed when I have to move away certainly doesn’t help the situation.

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