I have issues, of course, who doesn’t? And I have one of the most common issues for women to have, which is of course my weight. I was really tall and skinny as a kid, lanky, always the tallest in my class, I didn’t really have any problems with weight and didn’t think anything of it until I turned ten years old. Then, I pretty much hit puberty, filled out, and was told by my family from that time on I was fat, needed to run around the block a few times, my thighs were huge, I shouldn’t eat as much, everything you can think of.
Going from a tall twig to a thick trunk wasn’t easy and I was always angry about my weight. I was angry about my family pointing it out, teasing me and making fun of me every time I ate in front of them. I still dread eating in front of people to this day, and I can get very defensive on my lunch at work because I’m prepared for someone to start something.
Not eating was always rewarded, so at one point in my life, at my most miserable and depressed, I tried to stop eating. I lost 30-40 pounds within a few months and dropped down to a size 9-10. Even at my ‘skinniest’ I couldn’t get myself to single digit pant size and my mother was praising me and saying how great I looked with all the weight off. When I lost 10-15 pounds recently and kept it off the healthy way she even said to me, “You can’t possibly want to lose only 10-15 pounds! Aren’t you going to try to lose more weight than that?” So, to this day she’s pushing me about my weight, how it isn’t good enough, how I need to lose more.
It’s given me a complex … obviously. Just recently one of my co-workers was talking about how she went to someplace for a drink and the person serving it was so overweight, and they must have been so lazy that somehow she got sick from the drink. I don’t even know how this adds up, but it did for her. My fiancée is on the heavier side, and I fell in love with him that way. Even though he is heavier, I would never call him lazy, especially at his job. He works too much, bringing his work home with him lots of times. He seems to always come down on himself for his weight, and looking back on his child pictures he still sees a fat kid when I see an adorable little boy.
I want to take off someone’s head if they ever talk about his weight in front of me in a negative way. I was always called ‘big girl’ at school when I wasn’t home schooled on top of thunder thighs, and other horrible names. My first ‘boyfriend’ was verbally and mentally abusive with calling me names and making fun of me every time he saw me. I hear my fiancée talk badly about himself because of his weight and I hear constantly, every day, how the girls at my work want to starve themselves to a skinnier body. There’s pressure from all sides to not be happy with myself as I am today. But, I know I want to keep my weight off in a healthy way, exercise with yoga and the tone ball because it’s good for my muscles, as well as my breathing and mind.
I don’t ever want to be in that place where I am so miserable and someone is making me feel that way. I don’t ever want any person, whether it’s my family, or a stranger, have that power to make me feel so horrible that I just don’t want to eat. I don’t ever want to be in that place again, but every time I look in the mirror, I can’t appreciate the person staring back at me. I pick out the imperfections, and go “yeah, yeah” to every time my fiancée calls me beautiful, and pretty, which is every day. It’s just a difficult journey and balance of taking care of myself without wanting to make myself into a stick again.