2012 is the year to switch things up on me

This year has been quite something, but 2012 is when my life is going to be really changed, and things will be so different, and I have no clue how things are going to work. For this year though I’ve done many things, I’ve traveled a lot, gone on a ton of vacations, I got a raise with my job, and got engaged to my fiancée, and just this December I finally came up with a wedding date!

I embraced one of my hobbies I’ve enjoyed since I was a kid, dealing with insects and in particular raising caterpillars into butterflies. The picture I have is of my one and only Monarch caterpillar I successfully raised and letting him out to finally fly.

I couldn’t think of a better analogy for my own life, and what is coming up for me in 2012. My mother and my family will have to let me go out on my own, move away from them, and also get married to my fiancée. They’ll have to trust me, and I will have to trust in myself to be able to get a job when I give up my job I have here. I’ll have to spread my wings and jump off the ledge, only hoping and wishing that I won’t plummet to the ground once I do it on my own.

I’m not going to be alone in my journey. I’ll have my fiancée, and it’ll be helpful to also have this blog and my community here. There’s been some tough times this year, but I still appreciate what I’ve gone through whether that is good, or bad, and what the next year will have in store for me. Even if I’m scared out of my mind about it right now, at least I can say it’ll be an adventure. I just gotta be strong and face the challenges ahead.

Is it a form of Betrayal?

I can’t shake this feeling, this feeling of wrongness, and a sort of sadness, and a kind of betrayal that I feel. And, it just doesn’t make me feel right, and my conscience is all worked up about the whole thing too. It all started today telling my manager the wedding date, and then her immediately telling me to let her know the dates right now so I could get the time off.

Which made me feel terrible and horrible at the same time.

I thought they would give me a hard time with the dates off, but right in front of me my manager (who is the owner) took off all the days, four days off of work, without even hesitating. And, I know every time I’ve asked for off they’ve given me, and even times where something medical has come up (like my lower back strain and not being able to move) they’ve understood and have helped me. I feel the lowest of the low for not telling them, for the thought of having to search for another job, and at the idea of leaving them.

I don’t want to leave them, but I have to. It’s not an excuse, it’s not like a get out of jail free card for me. It’s just my work has become my second home. My co-workers have become like family to me. I love them and working with them makes my job easier, and more fun, and sometimes more difficult depending on the day, yet in the end I still love them. My massage room is my sanctuary and my working dungeon at the same time.

I don’t know if people from another area, the Salon/Spas I will have to interview with will ever accept me like I’m accepted at my job. I’m not sure if they will want to hire me because I have never lived there before and I don’t have experience working where I’ll be moving.

I need to keep it secret until 2 weeks before I have to leave. I’m not telling a soul, but I can’t help the sinking feeling when I talk about my wedding. Because I’m going to have move and leave my work around that time, and I don’t want to face it. It’ll be an opening for a different opportunity, and a new adventure in my life … yet, I love where I work, and I feel like somehow I’m betraying them.

Crawlies creeping all over

There is this problem I’ve had with the fiancée that I’ve never had before. It’s because he brings fresh fruit and veggies in and they sit for quite a while, don’t get eaten, and then mayhem happens. Bugs somehow hitch hike inside and I am fighting off an invasion of such magnitude that I don’t know quite how to get out of here alive. The invaders are tiny, winged most of the time, or as in this time, seem to hop and jump like little fleas. Let me say that I do like bugs, have liked them before I could talk or walk, but, I do not like them in the house. If they are in my territory, they are dead.

I’ve been crazy lately because of the invaders and for the fact that this is the second time this has happened and I have mainly fought the battle against the fruit insects alone. I came home after a long shift at work, I was tired, barely had a lunch, and noticed the horrific smell in our kitchen was still not gone. I had taken out pizza boxes, and started my ritual of running the sink water to try to flush the stank out.

Oh, then there scurried the tiny little flea looking things and I saw them run to the box of onions and stuff. There were so many of them I went into panic mode. With the water boiling hot I sprayed the counter over and over again until everything was soaked in that corner and the invaders were drowned. Yet, I didn’t get them all and there have been stragglers who have survived that every time I see them I just go crazy. My family never has fresh produce so I’ve never dealt with this before, and he can never see them or kill the bugs so I mainly battle them by myself.

The stank in the kitchen is much better since obviously the produce was rotting and I told him to keep an eye on stuff like that. He told me we were only going to be living here, at our apartment, for only another 2 months. I don’t think he got the point.

Too many questions I can’t answer

It was fun visiting with the fiancée’s family and seeing them again. His mom is very sweet, his step-dad is very nice, and his sister … well, she’s crazy, but I can deal with her fine. She mainly just likes to talk about herself and complain and stuff, which I’m more than used to the few times I see my father. Christmas Eve nearly killed with the appointments I had in the book and the fact that every client was firm to deep pressure. I didn’t get out until past my shift and we didn’t get down to the hotel that day until 9pm.

Mainly, when I saw them on Christmas Day I was thrown a lot of questions I couldn’t answer, didn’t know the answers to, and I didn’t know what to tell them.

Stuff like when are you moving down? Where are you moving to? Will you move down with him first? Is it going to be easy for you to get a job? How does your family feel about this? How do you feel about this?

I could say after basically not answering these questions for hours and hours by the second day I was pretty burned out on it. Yes, I know I’m moving, no, I don’t know when, and no, I don’t think it’s going to be easy to get a job. He knows more answers than me, at least he has a job, and has maybe some sort of idea, I basically have none. I’m thinking I’ll give my work my 2 weeks right before my wedding and then head down with him after we get married. But, he will be moved down there first, I will move myself down there second, and that’s about all I know.

His family meant well, yet I hadn’t talked about our move this much at all so I found it draining. Plus, having to face the thought again and again of us being separated for those few months certainly didn’t help. So, it was a good Christmas, and I was happy to see them, yet I did wish we could have steered clear of the moving talk after talking about it for hours. We got a home-cooked Christmas meal (which never happens with my family) and spent a long time visiting with his mom. Plus, I got a huge Hatbox filled with all these products that I love which I got to open when we came back.

Ho ho a Go Go

Well, it is Christmas Eve and all throughout the night I was not questioning whether or not I was booked today. I knew it, 4 appointments, one 90 minute massage, and not a chance of me getting out early. I had my fingers crossed that maybe I would be with only 1 appointment, they’d listen to my pleas and me jumping up and down saying,

I have to drive like 4 hours to where my fiancée’s family lives … which last year it took like 5 hours. Let me go!”

But, there is absolutely no chance of this, so, I have Christmas cards for all and some candy canes with adorable little jelly snowflakes and such on them. The fiancée and I opened up our presents last night because we will be so far away and he loved his gifts, and I loved mine too. We have a big box full of presents for his family and he wrote in the ‘Save the Date’ cards I made yesterday.

His family will find out on Christmas Day about our wedding date just like last year where they found out we were engaged on Christmas Day … and I was surprised ninja hugged by his sister so tightly they screamed at her to let me go. Man, his family is very touchy feely, and mine don’t even hug each other and when we do it’s that awkward hug with both arms stuck to the sides.

Luckily, the weather is not frightful today like last year and this should make for better drive. Yeah, what about the white Christmas you might say? Well, I’ll take without the white stuff if it means not spinning off the road.

Not Enough time in a Day

I swear, I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve had my Christmas shopping done for months, I’ve had things wrapped for weeks (except for a little here and there present, but besides that, all the rest is covered) and I’ve even given my gifts to my brother and my Mom before Christmas. See, I will be out-of-town, going over to the fiancee’s folks and family for Christmas instead of my family. They will be celebrating it without me and it will just be my brother, mom, and father, and I will be be four hours away from them.

I had to do groceries, I had to get gas, and other things. It feels like everyone is crazy! Seriously. People are driving nutty, I can feel their anxious energy standing in the line waiting to get all my stuff done. It’s not the best ability to have with being able to pick up on how people feel. Situations where its high stress you can barely contain yourself picking up on everyone else’s stress, even if you originally felt relaxed to begin with.

It doesn’t help that after I got done with my trip in Vegas (which I still need to talk about how much fun I had with the trip) that I have to pack right back up to prepare myself to go down to see his family. It just feels like with today there wasn’t enough hours within this day to get everything done. I’m still rushing around, picking things up, putting things away, getting stuff set up, and probably looking like a crazy person.

I made homemade ‘Save the Date’ cards for the fiancée’s family members to announce our wedding date. I don’t think that helped with the stress, but I do think they came out okay. Every day I’ve worked this week managers have been crabby, co-workers have been crabby, while clients haven’t been too bad. I’m hoping the mini cinnamon rolls I managed to buy today will hopefully calm down and maybe perk up my crabby managers and my overworked co-workers. We’ll see how it goes, either way I will have a day off starting next week so I can spend more time with his family so that’ll be nice.

My last Christmas at Work

So, you know, I will be moving away and won’t be at my work next year for Christmas. I will be moved down with my fiancée, away from my family, my job, my people I call ‘friends’, but it’s going to be a new adventure and I will be closer to the Ocean. And, one thing about me I discovered years ago is that I could spend literally an entire day in the Ocean swimming if given a chance. It’s going to be new, scary, and a completely different change but if it’s what we need to do for the man to have a better opportunity with his career, then it’s what we gotta do.

I don’t know if my Mom’s happy because she’s putting on a brave face while simultaneously stressing me out about everything I have to do. Getting another massage license, making sure we have our wedding, figuring out what things can move with him and what other things I will have to move back in with my folks, and lots more. I’m not sure if my brother even realizes I’m getting married because he thinks I’m five years old, and I’m his baby sister. My father is clueless, and really doesn’t care either way, but that’s just how he is.

This will be my last Christmas at my work. Which, would make sense if I didn’t do anything for the girls I work with since I’m just leaving in the end.

I don’t do anything that makes sense.

I got gifts for my spa girls and several others gifts for a hair stylist who I enjoy talking to and a nail technician I’ve known for the three years I’ve worked there. I’m making Christmas cards for pretty much every one I work with, even managers. There’s no point to it, right? I’m just going end up leaving and they will strike me off their list … yet, I don’t care. It’s more important to me to say what I want to say this Christmas through the cards before anyone finds out I have to leave. And, it’s going to be about 4-5 months before I utter a word about it, and that will be when I’m giving my 2 weeks notice.

I’ve been getting emotional writing in the Christmas cards. I get emotional every time my fiancée takes about the move, which I don’t mean to get upset, and I know that’s discouraging for him, it’s just a big step.

Phew, I think I have a wedding date!

So, part of the stress that is going on with me is health, and me moving away, and losing my job, family, and starting over from scratch at someplace new. Also, losing my fiancée when he’s the first one to move down at where his new job is. He will be moving down before me because I’d like to have another job lined up before I make the move. Okay, so these are still extremely stressful things and I’m not looking forward to being separated from him, and having to give up my job where I love the people I work with plus my room has the best table and it’s huge.

Besides all that, it does help to have something in our sights. Something we can finally seem to pin down.

The wedding date, which is going to be in late April on a Saturday. I was finally able to call up the place we’ve been waiting for and get the dates I was looking for. The wedding date is a few days after my 25th birthday which I think is great too. He and I will have to get our marriage license closer to the date (sometime in February) and finally be able to reserve it once we have the license we can go down there and get that date secured.

It was either the late April one, or March 17, but I like the one a little after my birthday. I still don’t know quite how we will get through being separated when he has to move down there, and he will have to come up for the wedding. At least we seem to have a date to tell people though, and look forward to.

I have Glaucoma … and I’m only in my 20s

Remember that whole health scare thing? It’s very much real, and I’m doing further testing with it to see how much damage I have to both of my optic nerves since they have been enlarged for a while and, no, I wasn’t born with it.

See, I have glaucoma … and I’m still in my early twenties. This is something you normally see with 70-80 year olds. The doctor said it’s extremely rare and she hasn’t seen someone my age have it before. First I went through denial, anger, now it’s just basically finding out when to do the surgery to help lower the pressure in my eyes, and what type I have, which will happen with a future eye doctor appointment. Glaucoma deals with the optic nerve and pressure within the eye, too much pressure pushes on the optic nerve, causing blindness. There is no cure for it, there is no easy fix, I’ll have it for the rest of my life and it’s not a good thing that I’m so young so I have a much longer time to try to maintain it without causing more damage.

My mother was very upset about it, my fiancée, even my brother seemed to have an uncharacteristic catch in his voice when I told him. I’ve never witnessed my brother cry in his life, and he didn’t, but he definitely wasn’t cracking his normal jokes when something happens. Actually, I felt even more awkward when he didn’t do a shitty joke, it kind of made it much more real that this isn’t a laughing matter.

So, going to Vegas helped me to keep my mind off of this. Vegas was wonderful, and I feel very energized from the trip, which is generally not true. I’m just anxious to find out how much damage I have with my eyes, though I was told my left was worse. I’ll find out more later in December when I have my testing.

See you in Vegas

So, this is going to be a quick little post. I’m going to Las Vegas on Sunday so you won’t hear from me until Thursday or so. I’ve got a lot going on health wise with myself, which was a surprise, and something I’m not quite getting over or coming to grips yet, but will be doing further testing with it.

My weekend is crazy booked so the few days at work I have are just ridiculously busy so it’ll be nice to have the vacation after all that. And, well, the whole health thing that I will go into later. I made a check list to hopefully remember everything I need to bring with me in the suitcase and will be sleeping over at the folks place tomorrow because I’m going to be leaving with my mom in the morning to the airport.

Two wild and crazy girls in Vegas, it should be lots of fun!