There is no such thing as 120%

This whole move and everything is wearing both me and the man down a lot. He’s worn and torn by work, exhausted by the time he gets home and uncertain and afraid of what is going to happen with his job. I’m worried about where we will end up, if we will have to move, and the idea of leaving the place I work because even though I may complain about it, I do love the girls I work with. We had a breakdown yesterday where he was putting it on the table of what has been stressing him at all that. One of the things he said is he remembers when I used to smile more, though lately I don’t seem to be… or at least, not as much at home.

When I come home from work I generally overextend myself with what I do. I know physically I should be transitioning to my elbows more with massage, and I tend to push myself all day and try to bring as much positive energy to the plate. No matter what’s going on mentally or physically with me I will not give you an idea what’s happening, and refuse to show it.

I just have to remember to bring that same energy back home to him, but generally that is not the way it works out. I crash, and my walls I’ve had in place come tumbling down, and finally there is that moment to breathe. To be tired, to be hungry, and I don’t have to try to push myself past what I’m feeling. We had a class today all of us had to take at work and it was very interesting, and I found it very helpful. The teacher said something in it that I kind of needed to hear, though I will still push myself past my own limitations.

You can’t give 110%-120%, you can only give 100% of yourself. Once you start performing past that 100% and consistently do that you will breakdown. It’s impossible to keep stable. I think that it is what me and the man are going through lately. He is definitely pushing himself past 100% all the time, and I keep pushing past my own goals and what I demand of myself. It’s what you do when you’re a control freak too, trying to give more than the 100%.

It’s frustrating because I don’t know how to help. With him there’s nothing I can do besides support him and his decision and go with it. He said something last night, as we were sitting across from each other which stuck me. He said, “You didn’t ask to be dragged into this crap.” Referring to his job, the possible move, not knowing where we are going to be, and if I will have to look for another job and give up where I work and more.

And, I just kind of laughed, and said it didn’t matter if I didn’t ask to be a part of it. I was a part of his life, and he was a part of mine, and whatever crap we had to face we’d do it together. That is what relationships are for, through the triumphs, and through the worst of times, you look to each other for strength through your times of darkness and light. It’s just right now this is one of those worst of times, and it breaks my heart because he can’t even get excited about his favorite holiday. I’m supposed to be the Scrooge of this relationship, yet here I am, with pretty much all of my shopping done and the stuff I don’t have done I have a plan. He and I don’t even know if we will be able to see his family for Christmas. If we will be at another place by then, moved far away.

He’s so worried about me, and I’m so worried about him, so we end up worrying ourselves to death. It’s hard to let go, and to try to tell yourself it isn’t for you to control.