Jealousy is a Green-Eyed Temptress

I’ve been a jealous person since I was a kid. Now, it seems like I have another thing thrown into the mix of my envious nature. The other thing is the fact that I have to be the best at my career. Once upon a time I wasn’t a perfectionist. I didn’t even care about what my grades were, as long as they were passing that’s all I cared about. I’d get occasional Ds in school and mostly Cs, but never was I an A student. Then I hit college and suddenly everything changed.

I got my first few A grades in college and then kept getting more. I suddenly got a taste for being the best. And, like a strange addiction, I wanted more and more. Just being okay wasn’t good enough any more. Luckily enough, I got a late start with being a perfectionist. Unfortunately, I seem to be making up for that late start.

I’m slightly obsessed with it, especially when it comes to retail. High monthly retail numbers are very important for me to get raises. Even paid vacation is based on our monthly retail average. I like have to be the best at it. Which, brings on this whole jealousy being a green-eyed temptress thing, because I wasn’t seen as being the best. I’ve been busting my butt on those stupid numbers for the past 3 months, and have successfully beaten my set average each one of those months.

Yet, still, I feel like I’m not recognized for it. As if I’m held at such high standards that it’s not much of a deal. And, the thing is, it is a huge deal! I see maybe 50-60 clients a month, if not more. To get an average of $10 I’d have to sell $500-$600 worth of retail. People don’t like buying retail from massage therapists… I don’t blame them. Hair stylists get to send you home with shampoo, conditioner, and about 50 different products that you can use to style your hair. You can duplicate what they did in the Salon if you wanted to (though, if you ask me, it never turns out the same outside of the Salon).

Retail for massage therapists is tough. Period.

But, I don’t let this stop me. I push myself even though the odds are stacked against me. I laugh in the face of reality and try to educate my clients on the products I know will help them outside of the massage. I’m beating the goals set in front of me, and every month that retail goal looks like a mountain I have to climb. I don’t know if I have the endurance and perseverance to make it to the top. And, even more than that, go beyond the peak staring at me.

I’ve done it, yet I’m still not the best. The numbers are good, but another person did better than me. I’m angry at myself for jealousy tempting me and winning. I just want to be happy for that person doing it for herself, and kicking retails butt. The envy is still there, swelling inside of me, threatening to explode. I’m taking it hard, feeling like I didn’t do enough, as if I haven’t been my best. The feeling is one of letting myself down, because I’ve ended up having my standards higher than anyone else.

I just don’t know why I do this and feel like I haven’t accomplished enough? When, in reality, I’ve done everything I can possibly do and give my all to each and every massage. What else can I ask from myself? I guess just to be okay and realize that what I do is good enough. And, to keep a reminder that I’m only human and to take it easy.