Are you trusting me to be alone?

I have this irrational, weird fear I’ve had ever since I was a kid. See, now, this fear does have some reason why it’s a hang up for me but it translates into my life in many different ways. Mainly, that I don’t drive that much by myself unless if I’ve driven there before. All of my driving comes from memory, you can’t just give me MapQuest directions, or even worse, a map, and think I will be at the place of choice. I will be driving in circles, confused, dazed, and if you call me up, rather ticked off on the phone.

My fear is that I’m afraid of getting lost, and being abandoned. There was this one time I was a little girl and I went over the train tracks with my brother. We found some turtles, tadpoles, and my brother decided to leave me there when he brought our prizes back. Well, I kept on chasing bugs, insects, tadpoles around, but eventually began to panic. I’m guessing it had been hours and I was still left there, with my small bike, and started screaming my brothers name. Over, and over, and over again. These people came over (this was pretty much an abandoned area, or so I thought) and went to investigate the noise. I didn’t trust them, so I kept to myself, praying my brother would come back to get me.

He did, but I’m thinking I was pretty much hysterical. I’ve gotten locked in the garage with no lights (against, just a little girl) and have freaked out then. I’m sure there are more times than that, but I was even well known as a three year old to randomly walk off and be found with a group of strangers instead of my family. I think being lost is different than being alone, but I’ve always had someone to come home to.

There’s a huge comfort in that, coming home to someone. It’s like being back in your sanctuary, and even though I’ve just moved in with the man, it feels like a sanctuary with our apartment that we have. He’s going to be gone on a business trip next week from Monday to Thursday. I thought it was just Monday to Wednesday, but nope, of course, add another day to that. And, I just found out from him today that it’s going to be especially late on Thursday… like 12 o’clock midnight late.

I’d write more, but tomorrow is going to be murder for me. I’m not looking forward to the man leaving me for work, but I guess I gotta be ready for it, because he’s doing it whether I like it or not. It’s business, it’s just when I wasn’t moved in I’d just spend the time with my mom over at their place. Now, I’ll have this apartment to myself, and I’m so used to it having him in there welcoming me home when I step in the door that it will definitely be weird.

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  1. OMG I totally know how you feel.
    My husband’s job takes him away a lot.
    For instance. he has been working out of town since March. He comes back for 5 days goes again for 16 days.
    I freak out at night.
    I sleep with two guns and a machete.

    • It helps to know I’m not the only one who feels this way… even though I’m sorry you have to go through it too. I feel like such a wussy! He’s been on his own for a really long time before I came along, so he’s used to it, but I’ve always had someone to come home to so an empty house just feels… wrong and weird. I especially hate being alone at night too, it’s the worst! I’m thinking tonight I might have to sleep with one of the steak knives for protection, and to help me feel a little less freaky.

  2. I never thought of it that way, well put!


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