So, I have a guilty pleasure… it’s court TV, cheaters, and a little bit of some Cheaters too. When I first heard the term ‘Lot Lizards’ I really thought it was a group of geckos hanging out in a nice, warm lot just sunning themselves. I think it was my ex-boyfriend who explained the term because somehow one of his relatives was a lot lizard… or, I may have gotten that memory confused with some Jerry Springer episode I watched.
The current Cheaters episode is pretty damned funny, the guy caught just had this smile on his face like, “Oh shit” and he still smiled like this for the entire time with that whole look that a kid gets when they get caught doing something wrong… but they still think it’s freaking hilarious.
I haven’t any guys cheat on me, except for probably my first boyfriend. He led me along and said I was his girlfriend, then he said I wasn’t, then we were on, off, I wasn’t supposed to call him, he’d call me, and he didn’t want to see me only when HE decided the time, the date, and what was convenient to him. For 2 years I dealt with this guy, and he also was verbally abusive to me every single day I talked to him. I was slow, dumb, I looked like a 12 year old (how that even makes sense I don’t know, I’ve looked like I was in my 20s when I was 12) and he just told me everything that was wrong with me.
He made fun of me and my appearance. I just wasn’t good enough, everything I did was wrong, and he just constantly brought me down and stepped all over me. I don’t know why I stayed in the relationship… I don’t know why I didn’t fight back. He’d make a date to see me, and cancel it every time at the last second because it was MY fault. I did something wrong for him to cancel it. It was the first relationship I had ever been in, so I began to believe that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and that it was my fault for everything that happened.
I eventually broke it off with him, never spoke to him again, but he didn’t get the hint. He contacted me through email, the phone, even a letter, and then when he did contact me he yet again explained what was so wrong with me. And I just took it. Being in a relationship with this guy caused me to fall into a deep depression and a few other things that were happening in my life didn’t help. I don’t know how I got out of it, the depression seemed to swallow me whole and I lost who I really was… the depression became me. No one knows this about me, except for my family, and they pretend that it never happened.
It seems like such a long time since I went through that. I was 18 years old, and it feels like forever ago, even though it wasn’t. That was the only point in my life I guess I could have categorized as ‘skinny.’ I lost 40-50 pounds within about 2 months and that’s why I know losing a lot of weight may not make me happy. I lost all that weight because I refused to eat, and even though I was my skinniest since I was a kid, I still found myself just not… pretty. I was unhappy with who I was so I lost a ton of weight because I was basically starving myself. That is not healthy, not one bit.
I’m so happy to have the fiancée, and he helps to combat how tough I am on myself. He tells me I’m pretty every single day, and finds me just gorgeous, even if some days I just don’t see it. I couldn’t ask for a better companion, especially when I had no clue I’d find love in the end.