Peace

It’s hard for me to find peace when it comes to the situation with my family. And now with my job being the way it is, it’s hard to find peace with that too. I think that having a certain unrest can be helpful with careers and life because you are always trying to improve yourself and make things better. You are striving to be a better person, more efficient at your job, so it’s just that you do want to be better. But, you gotta have some of that peace to back it up and be happy with who you are.

I’ve always been hard on myself. Always. I can be better, I beat myself up for things I have no control over, I hold myself to higher standards than anyone else would ever have for me. This I think has affected me today because I was sick in the morning and all day today my stomach has been killing me.

It seems like I will have another day of this stomach torture today too. Me and the momma went into the city to visit my brother yesterday and all throughout the day I was fighting my stomach. And, I of course lost to it because every time I ate it affected me. My Mom seemed to think it was the stomach flu, I know myself better than that. It’s stress, and it’s manifesting itself by me having an unsettled stomach, headache, and just being a ball of hot mess. I need to get my control back over myself, I need to get that mask back on so no one can read me, because it’s been falling off lately and I want to go back to people not being able to read me. My passion isn’t spread over everything, it’s mainly work, and my relationship with my fiancée, and besides that is it.

One of the managers asked me what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day, if I’m celebrating it? Well, I work Valentine’s Day late but he and I will be doing a mini-celebration on Sunday. It’ll just be a few gifts, us taking it easy, and not doing anything too crazy. I like to take advantage of the Hallmark holiday just to have a day to tell the man how I appreciate him and love him. I don’t know what he has in plan for me, only that it’ll be sweet since he’s a little hopeless romantic.  I like that we do nice little things for each other for our anniversaries and just because.

I just gotta find peace with things, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m too involved, too angry, too into it, too concerned, too everything and I don’t know how to back off with it. If I didn’t care it’d be easier, but I do, so it’s not that simple.

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2 Comments

  1. Ahh girlie … take care fo yourself.
    That might be a ulcer. Dont stress your self out. Its good that you hold your self to higher standards. I wish everyone was like that. However, its not good to make yourself sick.
    Remember you are trying to make a better life for yourself. Always remember your health too!

    Reply
    • I’m trying to take care, but I tend to be pretty shitty with that anyways.
      I know I should cool down and just relax. But, whenever I seem to be on the mend, something side swipes me from a different direction. I’d say I was just sick or had the stomach flu, but I know my body and it’s definitely stress. I think life will get better, it’s just some rough bumps in the road right now. I’ll try to do remember my health too!

      Reply

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