A Favor

I don’t know how it’s seen as a good thing  for me to be sent home an hour or more early from my job. Maybe it’s all me why I have issues with being sent home, maybe it’s the fact on certain days I enjoy a later shift so I can do my work, head home, avoid coming home until late so I don’t have to see my parents together, and then I can just go to sleep and do it all over again. I am extremely passionate about my career, job, work, everything. When I come in a day to work and all that I want to do everything, help out with all of it, even if I’m not busy, even when I’m 100% busy.

I’ve been training a new therapist and I’ve gotten a kick out of it. I love teaching, with a certain passion and excitement which I knew I had, but I’ve kinda buried down. What I’d tell myself is that I’m too laid-back of a person to teach, that I don’t have that kind of leadership quality to do it. It’s been fun doing the coaching, especially when you have someone who seems like they are interested in learning. I can literally feel when someone is disinterested, when their mind is someplace else, when they are thinking it’s boring or they just plain aren’t willing to listen. I can feel a lot of things, sense how people feel, as weird as that sounds.

So, since I have this acute sense of feeling what people are thinking, when they are sad, mad, upset, or whatever, that I close myself off to all of it. I am more than aware how my own feelings can be picked up by people, so I make sure to check myself with making sure someone else can’t pick up on things. But, there are times, where I’m pretty sure I’m blocked off to picking up how people are feeling, and if it’s something intense, it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

That’s part of the reason why I stay away from having people close to me. They can pick up better than anyone what may be wrong if there is something disturbing me, and I tend to get extremely affected by people I care about and I want to make things better for them when they are down. And since I’ve been sensitive since I was a kid, teenager, and now, I’d rather just not care as much as I do.

The new gal I was training asked me if I was in love with the man since I mentioned him when I was going through product with her. My words were, “Yeah, he’s adequate.” 

I know, I know, the man is more than that, he’s amazing, the love of my life, my better half, he treats me like gold, cooks me dinner, and is always there for me to lean on. He’s loving and affectionate, and we say we love each other more than once a day. We have our arguments sometimes, but we always resolve it, forgive each other, and move on. I couldn’t find anyone better, but this gal doesn’t need to know all that. No one needs to know what a big softie I am, because when they do find out they just plain step all over me and use me. Every. TIME.

I can’t help but to have my feelings slightly hurt by having my hours cut. I feel like it’s a way they are telling me that I just am not doing enough, when I know I am. I know their reasons for doing it, but I can’t help how I feel in reaction to it. I’ll have to move past it, but for now it still kinda stings a bit.

The weekend looks like it is just jam-packed with appointments so I will be more than busy for it. I will just smile, say the hours are fine, make it work, and just do my job and head home without anyone knowing that I’m engaged, planning a wedding, planning to move in soon with the man, he and I will be moving in about 4-5 months to another place, and that I’m trying to figure this all out. They don’t need to know.

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