Pillow Talk

I’m a very rough edged person. This is just how I am, I was raised to push people away. Underneath this roughness, hardness, and general shell that won’t open up there is quite a softness inside. Hard to reach, but it’s there. The man likes to call it marshmallow fluff, luckily for me he doesn’t go to work and tell the girls about that. I would never live it down. Ever.

The people who know me really well at my work I think know this, but that isn’t even on two hands the people who kind of think I’m a softie. Other people think I’m crazy, which is awesome, just what I want. I’d rather have them think of me as crazy rather than soft.

Soft people get taken advantage of. It’s nature, it’s science, it’s survival of the fittest. They get worn out and they get exhausted in both life and work. They are those people who never say NO. And who have those eyes that look like they are going to burst from the socket because they just took on too much, and they always have, and all of this giving, giving, giving, means they are taking from themselves. There comes a breaking point where it catches up and they are exhausted and can’t do it any more.

I know I could be that person. Have been that person. Bottling things up til’ my eye twitches, my teeth grind, and doing so much for everyone. I am that person now, which is why I sometimes come from work and my bones even ache. I did too much for everyone, but if there needs to be something done, I do it.

Some of my favorite moments with the man is when I let my guards down. It literally sounds like a draw bridge hitting the ground when I relax and open up. You could probably even hear the squeak of the chains that need to be oiled up because it stays up so often. Our pillow talk we have is some of my favorite, quiet moments we have. You literally feel naked even if, like me, your in your P.J.’s at that moment and you just talk about your fears. Your uncertainties. One of his is that I wouldn’t move with him if his job moved to another place. He’s worried about that, because I am so connected to my mother (even though she can be a jerk, crazy, insensitive, irrational, etc.) and I’m so close with my brother too.

If we moved someplace else, if we had to because of his work, I’d follow him. With my job I could massage anywhere. I told him the truth, that it could be a good, new start to our lives. Sure, we wouldn’t have family with us (except my mother, who would follow me to the ends of the earth probably) and friends either, but it’d be an adventure. And we’d just have to make a positive spin on it. We don’t have kids, so that’s the biggest thing to make us somewhat movable. We may not have to move at all, but if we do, I’m definitely packing myself up too. He’s my family now, and with my experience I have in my field now, I’m positive I could find a massage gig too.

He’s gonna be gone, flying off someplace for work on Tues. for a day trip for work.  Luckily he’s not gonna be gone for too long. He’ll be making more cookies when he comes back, which is good, because I can’t even slice potatoes without nearly cutting off my finger.

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  1. Teach me .. I dont know how to say no. Seriously.

  2. I should learn how to say “no” more often. It’s difficult, even if I’m not a big softie, either.

    For a human being it’s necessary that there is someone you can relax with and let your guard go down. Egres is that person for me 🙂 Nowadays I have some friends who are like, that too.


    • Yeah, I can be quite a hardass sometimes! You gotta be to take care of yourself.

      It’s hard for me to ever let my guard down. I just don’t like to, it doesn’t feel natural, and I despise doing it. The man is that person for me, and it’s wonderful to have that person to let down your guards too!


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