What makes you happy?

I was having a conversation with the one girl at my work who I do talk about my personal life, occasionally, with. She is the only one who knows that I’m engaged, and no one else knows. We were talking about saving money (or rather spending on her part) and how she’s cooled it down on saving so much. She asked me how I would guess that I’d save the rest of my life? I said that would definitely be the bomb-diggity if I could keep on saving. I told my friend that there isn’t a thing in this world I want that is attainable. I don’t want a TV, I don’t want fancy electronic stuff, I don’t want clothes, I don’t even want food, but I have to eat, so that can’t be crossed off. There is nothing I’d use my money for to get that I need/want so badly, because it just doesn’t matter to me.

She then asked me a question that kinda resonated with me. What makes you happy? And I knew the answer was a complex one. I told her what would make me happy would be my parents being separated. They are just too unhappy, too destructive, and have been unhappy since they got married. What would make me so happy is to have a holiday, one holiday, in my life, that I didn’t want to cry afterwards, or hurt someone, or be angry, or even just to not have us argue and rip each other apart for just one holiday.

As happy of a person I seem on the outside at my work, and how I never complain even a bit about my personal life, or how much I’m in pain, I have had this part of me which has been unhappy. It was worse when I was a kid and I had no control over my life. I felt hopeless, and lost, day in and day out. My first job was a welcome change, and I realized that with money I could change my life. Or escape it, and that’s what happened.

It’s just been within this year or so I’ve looked back and realized how unhappy my family is. I always had this feeling it wasn’t right, but kinda just used denial to say it wasn’t too bad. I always thought two people within a marriage were supposed to hate each other, and yell at each other, and manipulate to get what they want, and not show affection. And, this whole knowledge hasn’t helped with my own relationships. It took me a while to warm up to the man’s handsiness he had, while I just never touch anyone and if someone would touch me I’d probably flinch and move away. I’m afraid I may become like my parents and end up yelling at the man and not apologizing for it, or thinking I’m right. I don’t want to lose him, and I end up pushing everyone who gets close to me.

My brother last night asked my mom to apologize. She then said it like she normally says her apologies, like a child that you took away their candy and you won’t give it back until they say they’re sorry. My brother told her it wasn’t genuine, and then she said, “What? What does she want? My blood?” I know I have to forgive her but I do know things are going to get worse, and I’m just too soft of a person to deal with it. I gotta grab more armour for the battle, but I’m finding it just chips off too easily.

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2 Comments

  1. I hope one day you’ll be happy. You’re not asking too much, not at all!

    Maybe your mom would be less childish and more adult if she understood to leave and have a happier life?

    I like buying stuff sometimes… Little, nice things like clothes, jewelry and cosmetics 🙂

    Hugs!
    Maria

    Reply
    • I think some odd, twisted part of my mom enjoys being miserable. She can’t see herself not being miserable, so I don’t know what to do with her.

      I do like jewlery sometimes, but I don’t exactly need it. The only thing I need is food, though if I didn’t need it I’d save myself lots of money! 😀

      Reply

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