Gussied up with nothing to do

I got my hair cut and my make-up done today. The haircut was because I felt like I needed a change and my hair feels like it weighs ten pounds today. That’s probably my thoughts in my head connected to my hair, but whatever, it’s been 6 months and I haven’t done it. The cut is short, and very cute. The make-up was done because as I stared at myself in the mirror at my work while the hair stylist slaved over my thick locks I just couldn’t get over how crappy I looked. I mean, seriously, I looked like the dawn of the dead. And, I asked a few of the girls if I looked shitty but of course they said I was fine.

So, I sat myself down, tried not to fidget too much, and had one of my esthetician girls do up my make-up. Each thing she used on me got me screeching out, “No, no, not the moscara!” “No, no! Anything but eye liner, please, ah!” But, in the end she did a very natural look which turned out nicely. I just was a ball of anxiety as I dealt with it.

The man sees no difference in my hair, or make-up. He’s always told me I don’t need make-up. Now I’m at home with him and am deciding when to wash it off because there’s no place to go with it on.

I made my mother apologize several times for what she did. Yes, of course I ended up talking to her. I cracked and caved, but I lasted longer than I ever have not talking to her and ignoring her. The man seemed disappointed that I didn’t last longer, and I’m disappointed in myself too, but… I have too much anger and hatred going toward my father, I just think it’d turn toxic in me if I had it doubled against my mother. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t forgive her, she was so in the wrong, and I cried while I was sleeping and when I woke up, yet she’ll never ‘get’ it. I told her the horrible things she said to me and she just denies she ever said it.

Of course.

I don’t know what to do about wedding planning. I won’t even touch on that. Or, him moving soon in June and where to go with that. I’m just so happy I haven’t told anyone I’m engaged, you have no idea. I so hate people asking me at work, without knowing I’m engaged, what I’m planning to do, if I’m going to get married, if I’m going to move in, when I am, what’s going on in my personal life, etc. It makes my skin crawl people probing into my life. Stay out of it, please, and thank you. Like I’ve said I’m super stressed out, and it will be getting worse, I just have to be prepared to take care of myself when it does.

Outside of work I’ve been shutting down a lot. At work I have to be so on top of things, and over the top, or else then, who knows, I may get in trouble for not being peppy. This constant play of acting like everything is fine gets me exhausted once I get home and allow myself to feel. I tend to not talk, go on the bed, stare at my lap top and disconnect. The man comes home and wants me to sit on the couch with him and watch TV but I have always found my sanctuary to be the bed. Couch time meant fights in my family, and I’ve always retreated to my room to be alone. Today I feel like I’ve just shutdown, even though I haven’t done that much. I’m in a funk, and since it’s nighttime, I’m just waiting to go to sleep and face the next day. Just call me an old fart, I guess.

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  1. Aww buck up kid. No matter what don’t let anything have a bad effect on you. Remember what you love and who loves you. Use the good things and positive things in your life.
    We all got by one life.

    • I try not to let stuff have a bad effect on me, but family seems to be my kryptonite. I just gotta take one day at a time, and try to kick myself into things, but sometimes you just rather not kick yourself back into your normal routine of it. I like to look at the good side, but sometimes it feels so much better to be a crab and not look for the gems that happened in your day.

  2. Ah, new hair and some make-up!

    That’s sweet. I wish I saw your new hair 🙂


    • It’s super cute, the hair stylist who did it I like to talk to and she always does a really nice job. I made sure to tip her more than 20% too! It’s cause’ I’m just that generous. 😀


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