Knock down-Drag out

There was a knock down drag out between me and my mother. There was no victor in the end.

Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy pain. If I’m one of those machosists. Sometimes I wonder why I deserve this. Sometimes I think to myself of all the awful things I did in my life and how I probably deserve all of it. That I am what my mother yelled at me just an hour earlier.

I’m horrible.

I’m a bitch.

I’m terrible. Awful. What is wrong with her? Why is she so horrible? My mother asked my brother. What was all this over? Why was I called all of these things? Why did my mother threaten to take away my engagement ring she gave me? Which, I told her, was beyond inexcusable. Beyond terrible on her part, why would she let those words leave her mouth? She told me all the things she did for me, and why I was so beyond horrible of a person not to do what she wanted.

What did she want me to do? It begs this question, doesn’t it?

She wanted me to buy her a lap top. I wouldn’t, because she demanded this of me, she didn’t understand why I wouldn’t. I was the only one in the family with credit, the only one able to, why wouldn’t I? So, she called me every possible name. And here I am, still crying, with my face hurting, my eyes hurting, and my head definitely hurting wondering if I am this. Horrible. Awful. A bitch. So terrible because I didn’t give her what she wanted. But, I told her, who is the adult? I got my own lap top because I scraped and saved and wanted it, so I got it. Why is she having this fit and blaming me for everything?

She said I had stripped everything away from her. Literally said this, with my brother in my car. I said I see how this is, I’m the root of everything. The cause of all of this. I’m taken away from her because I want to make a life with my fiancée, that it’s all my fault she has to deal with my father. She said I should know what she deals with, how she needs the lap top to waste time away from him. It isn’t my fault that she is in an unhappy marriage and continues in it. I only spend time over at that damn house with her because I don’t want her to be alone. I am so stressed it is not even funny how stressed I am.

My brother told me this is how she is, my mother. That she doesn’t even understand that she did something wrong. And I know he’s right, but do I enjoy this pain? Why do I put myself through this? Because she’s all I got, but why does she do this? Since I was a kid she’s yelled at me like this, and all I’d do is wait to get home, lock myself in my room, find a pillow, and just bury my face in it and sob. Because if I cried in front of her she’d tell me I was worthless if it was because of her that I was crying. I told my brother that I just can’t deal with this. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been very soft. Very sensitive. This stuff hits me really hard and I can’t recover from it that well. You’d think after all these years my skin would get as thick as armour, but I’m still so soft inside.

I told him that our family has never been happy. We have never been happy, and he just said, I know. We’ve dealt with our unhappiness through humour. Through mean jokes, and jabs at each other. We never say we love each other. My Mom never says it to me, or my brother, or father, my brother doesn’t say it, we just don’t. I can’t and won’t if I have children bring them into this life. Where I resent my husband, and we always fight, and we never show affection, and I use manipulation and guilt to get everything I want. I’m not saying I’m a saint, because I’ve taken on my mother’s bad habits. But, I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to open up, and trust, and give every piece of myself to my future husband. To let him hold me when I cry, to let him catch me when I fall, and to love without question.

My brother tried to tell her she was in the wrong. I just yelled back at one point, especially when she said she was going to take the engagement ring back, I just lost it. She told me she said it to get a rise out of me. I just wanted to get out of work today because I knew that we were going to get into a fight when I got back to my mom, and that made me anxious, and angry at work so I needed to get out of there. I’m physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I haven’t talked to my mother since the fight. I’ll be going to sleep early, or at least try to, because I just want to numb myself from this.

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6 Comments

  1. Oh dear.

    Demanding you to buy her a laptop? And wanting the ring back?

    That sounds so dysfunctional, that no kidding you feel extremely bad.

    Poor girl 😦

    Hugs,
    Maria

    Reply
  2. I am very proud of you that you see the vicious cycle that you are in. You can stop it. Look, some parents aren’t going to act like parents.
    I am sure you know that its not your fault. It’s their fault. Their fault. You never blame anything on your children, young or old! No matter what age you are the parent!
    Sooner or later, she will see her failings. It might be when she is totally alone. And you do have the right to make yourself scarce around her. Remember as much as she is your mother, she is an adult too with a will and way. How she decides is her problem. You can’t save her. And when you are there for her, and she pushes you away. Well a person can only take so much.
    Think about it. Is that what you want for your future kids to be around?

    Reply
    • Yeah, I’ve always known my mom has used manipulation and guilt to get what she wants. She is just great at that, and she knows she has my number 99.9% of the time.
      She’s rather good at the blame game too. With the whole lap top thing she brought up once when I was a kid and I had a fit to get a lap top. I was a kid, didn’t have a job, and was using my lap top for schoolwork too. So, yeah, she likes to remember stuff and shove it back in my face later.
      I definitely agree that you can only handle so much, and I feel like I’m reaching that breaking point for how much I can take. But, I guess you can always take more than you expect. I’d definitely want my kids to have a much better environment, for sure.

      Reply
  3. ohheyitskinch

     /  August 7, 2012

    Ouch.
    If it makes you feel any better, I get told I’m a disgrace to the family, I’m never going to amend to anything, I don’t deserve the food on the table (takes away, no dindin for Kinch), and that I need to visit a farming recorrection center in Topeka, Kansas. And to think you’re ten years older than me, and you STILL get the crap I thought adulthood was supposed to eradicate. So much for freedom. -Kinch

    Reply
    • Family is always there for us (hopefully) but they also can be the most hurtful too. I’m sorry to hear your family is cruel to you and what they said to you, because that’s awful and I sometimes wonder if they really hear what they are saying. For me, the move to a new place has definitely helped out the relationship with my family and the distance is helpful, and I try not to listen or just hang up the phone if things start to get more nasty. One of my managers from my job said it best, if talking to my mom and things start to take a turn for a worse hang up, let her and I cool down, and then call back once things have calmed.

      Reply
      • ohheyitskinch

         /  August 7, 2012

        I see your point. Family is supposed to be a good thing. But it’s kind of funny, because what my parents say is true. Maybe not all things, but I do more often than out act on my verified betchiness rather than my kinchiness.

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