Shutdown

I’ve been tending to shutdown lately, and haven’t taken care of myself as I normally would. I’ve been loaning my mother money (why? That’s a very good question) and that was the root of a big argument we had last night. She ended up telling me ‘F*ck you’ and that she was done and done talking to me. Thus, the entire ride back in my car from being in the city was awkward and unusually quiet. I, of course, give her the damned check and then I ended up leaving the house. She just wouldn’t stop yelling at me, swearing at me, so I left and I was done.

Hence, here I am trying to book an appointment with either a massage or facial at the place I work. Which, hopefully it’s kept because I just need to take some time to myself, relax, and just take care of myself for the first time in a couple of months. I haven’t felt like I’ve deserved a break, and have felt pretty against slowing down and stuff so we’ll see if the appointment stays and I don’t get bumped.

I was going to do my writer’s group, but I think I may just be there next month. It’s just such a drive from there, back over to here, and we just drove into the city yesterday with my little car and I know I’m just making excuses, but I think the root of that is I don’t want to socialize with people today. It’s been part of my problem with not getting services done with someone, I just know lots of times I get something done I’ll talk to my co-worker and I just don’t want to talk about what’s been going on. And, I’m stressed if I do relax then I might just fall apart with my perfectly built wall I’ve built to deal with everything. But, I need to get a facial because there are these two red bumps on my head and I don’t know what they are and I want them to go away.

My Mom is supposed to pay me back for me helping her out. Everyone always goes to me for money, because I manage it the best out of the family. Sometimes I wonder how it’d be if I wasted all of my money on stupid things, if I didn’t save it, and just bought whatever excessive things I wanted.

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4 Comments

  1. Oh dear, moms are not supposed to tell their daughter F Y.

    I have noticed that you haven’t posted that many entries lately.

    I think it’s pretty annoying, when people take advantage of you being reliable and responsible.

    I understand the need of privacy and being alone. But great, that you’re gonna get those bumps fixed 🙂

    Hugs,
    Maria

    Reply
    • Unfortunately, my mom never really got that memo. She’s called me all sorts of names, and she was just livid. I decided to get out of the situation, thank god for the man.

      Yeah, I guess the shutdown has followed me into the blog too. 😦 Normally I’d try to process through stuff, lately I’ve just burying it down and building up walls to get through it. Everyone has always come to me for money problems, and since I love my mom, I say yes, or my brother, but it makes me even more paranoid about money then I already am, which is pretty crazy paranoid.

      The facial was awesome and amazing, I slept last night and haven’t slept that soundly in weeks. I’m sooo glad I got it because today is the beginning of my work week and I have a few clients who I know need lots of pressure so hopefully it’ll help me reboot with that too.

      Reply
  2. Money is important, even if you hate to admit it, so I understand your paranoia.

    Nice, that you’re back here again 🙂 At least I find blogging a good channel to escape the real life a bit!

    Reply
    • Thank ya, it’s nice to be back but hard to force myself back into it. I like to retreat in myself and blogging in an escape, but also makes me confront things. And sometimes I’d rather hide and not face anything really. I just gotta come up with good stuff to write.

      Reply

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