No End

There is no end to the messed up relationship between my mom and dad. Like I knew, she will not break away from him. She will continue to have the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse every day, and hide from him and try to avoid the situation. We were talking tonight, and I knew the truth. That she would stick it through, deal with it as it increases and gets worse, but I can’t. I can’t keep up this life. I can’t involve myself forever in protecting her from what might happen with him, in protecting her from the abuse, in staying with her so she’s not alone. Because I know how alone she is with him, and how much we’re the same. I feel guilty when I’m not there with her, even more when they have a confrontation and he flips out and goes crazy.

I can’t keep on living here solely because of my mom. Because I love her and I want to be there for her, and because of the reason I want to protect her. I have a man I love, and he loves me, and I know I want to be with him. And, there’s a part of me which is scared, which is terrified, which tells me that I can’t trust men.

I can’t, not after what I’ve had happen to me. That love is something I’ve never witnessed, especially between my mother and father. Maybe I just don’t know what it is?

But, then I’m with him, and he looks at me and there are just times where everything seems to light up just by his smile. And I know my heart fills up, and when I’m held by him the worries seem to melt away, the problems, issues, even if it’s for that moment where he’s holding me close to him and I’m just allowing myself to relax. To close my eyes. To savor the feeling of giving in. Because I never let myself give in, I have to be strong all the time, never show that weakness, but I can trust him to see my weakness.

Which is something else, something that’s hard, because I want to lock myself up and not have anyone see it.

I don’t want to give in completely, I know my perception of marriage is screwed up, but there are people who make it work. Who love each other and can spend time separate from each other, alone time, or time together and love and miss each other as much as ever. I don’t want to live this life of resentment, pain, sadness, and overwhelming anger. I am so angry at my father, so done with him and my relationship with him. I’m tired of hiding with my mom, locking myself away until I hear him go to sleep.  Me and her staying out until we’re sure he is asleep and not up.

I don’t think I’m an easy person to live with. I’m stubborn, I like things my way, I’m fiercely independent, and will more than fully admit that I have trust issues up the ying yang. I don’t let people in. Ever. I like to be alone, I have always been alone besides my mom and brother. I didn’t want to let the man in, or get into a relationship, but somehow he knocked down those walls. And that is not an easy thing to do. I think I can trust him to have me.

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2 Comments

  1. Luckily all the men are not replicates of your dad’s 🙂 Also, in a marriage you’re a functional part, too, not just an object, so you have a lot of power in which direction you want your marriage to go.

    It’s sad what’s happening to your mum. I wish she had the strength and the resources to leave!

    Hugs,
    Maria

    Reply
    • One of the best things about the man is that I’ll let him know something is wrong, or I need him to change something and he does. I am kinda scared about money with him, because he did claim bankrupcy a while ago, and I just don’t want it to happen again with me. And, well, you know I’m crazed when it comes to money.

      Me too, and I don’t know how to help her and it’s tough feeling so helpless with it.

      Reply

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