No woman don’t cry

My Mom never cries. That’s how I got my whole tough exterior, gooey stuff interior from her. My Mom is one tough cookie, she is a scary bear mother defending her cubs if you dare to screw with them. But, deep down, she wants to give and she really, really wants people to like her. She’d put herself in her room, lock the door, and cry from there if she ever needed to. You’d never even know she did cry, unless you were like me, and knew her inside and out. Funny how the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and I tend to lock myself in my room when I need to cry, and I fight it for as long as I can before I break down.

Now I catch her crying at silly stuff . T.V. shows, movies (she cried with Toy Story 3, I told her she was a wuss), and other things. Me? I may feel the urge to cry but I squeeze the tears back into the tear ducts.

Crying is not acceptable. Weakness is not acceptable. Pain is not shown.

My poor Mom has been in terrible pain because of her hip. No one in the family even knows she has hip trouble, except for me. She was in pain for her shoulder which she dislocated when she was younger, no one really knows except me. Of course, if she went to the doctor on a routine basis and found out what’s going on with her, I’d feel better.

She hasn’t gone to the doctor in 15-20 years. She’s told me if there’s something wrong with her she’d rather not find out about it. My Mom just says if there is something wrong she’d like it to take her quickly so there isn’t any suffering. She hasn’t shown any pain, weakness, or tears. My Mom has told me she has to stay strong, she has to always be strong, and never fall apart, because the family depends on her. And so, here I am, following in her footsteps with that same philosophy, I need to be strong because people depend upon me. But, I don’t refuse to see the doctor, I wish she would take care of herself, but she never does. It’s always everyone else, and never her. I worry about my Mom so much, I don’t know what I’d do without her in my life.

I’d be like a lost lamb, a lost little cub, wandering around without someone to follow. She really is my best friend, I couldn’t imagine her not being in my life… it’s not even possible for me to imagine. I call her the moment I wake up, the moment I get out of work, and tell her anything and everything. She’s my guidance, and this is about the only thing that can get me crying, is the mere thought of not having her be with me, to share all of my triumphs, my failures, and to be there with me through all of life’s little hiccups and road bumps.

I worry about my Mom with my Dad, and how mean and cruel he is from the moment she wakes up. How her life is terrible, but no one knows and she doesn’t want anyone to know either what she’s going through. I worry about my Mom and if she ever needs help, that she wouldn’t ask for it. I worry that there is something wrong, and if there is, she’d never know. And I can’t stand her stubbornness, that I ended up inheriting, that she won’t listen to me to take better care of herself. Not just for me, but for my brother too. Because we’re all we have left.

There’s only so much I can do, but I wish I could do more.

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4 Comments

  1. Maria Curious

     /  August 29, 2010

    Poor mom of yours. I think there are many women in the generation of the women who are now our moms. I don´t know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with the society and the culture they grew up?

    I once read a beautiful proverb. It said, that when your mother dies it feels as if you lost a compass point in your life.

    There are good mothers and there are bad mothers. But mother is always a mother and she has a great importance. As a mother, I try to keep that in mind.

    Hugs 🙂
    Maria

    Reply
    • I don’t know, and she should know better, she is a nurse. But, she’s stubborn and she likes to handle things her way.

      Yeah, I could see losing my compass point with my Mom, she’s always been there to point me in the right direction and to catch me when I fall. Moms can be hard and difficult, but I have a good mom, though she does sometimes get on my nerves, I think that’s her job. It was hard writing about this, but I was glad to get it out.

      Reply
  2. The Girl with the Red Suitcase

     /  September 1, 2010

    Your relationship with your mom sounds very similar to the one I have with mine! I have a very good mom. She’s the best person in the world to me… I don’t know how I’m going to cope the day I lose her, it’s a bad thought I try to push outta my mind. One of my greatest worries is that my mother doesn’t have the life she deserves. I asked her once, if she’s satisfied with the life she has cos I swear to God I would have done anything within my power to help her do anything she wants to do. But she just smiled at me and said, “Yes. Yes I am.”

    Reply
    • That’s wonderful that you and your mom have a similar relationship, I think all moms/daughters are definitely unique, and I think even though they push our buttons it’s a hard thought to think of being without them. I would say believe your mom when she says that she’s happy and satisfied with her life. You sound like a really sweet and caring daughter and that all we can do is support them, love them, and be there for our moms.

      Reply

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