You don’t get it

I hate feeling like I’m being judged. I hate people judging me for something that they don’t understand, they couldn’t understand, and that they make me feel like a bad person for the situation I’m in and the anger I feel. That’s how I felt yesterday when I was talking to someone I consider a friend about what was up with me. She asked me how me and the man were, I said we were good, which we are. He takes care of me especially after a hard day of working… and that can be a simple thing of him just listening. Which is what happened with dinner yesterday, he listened about my day since Friday the 13th I just growled at him when he asked me how it went. He loves me and goes out of his way to make me feel better, like the cute little mini-cupcakes he surprised me with since my Friday sucked so much.

She seemed to be probing to see if things between him and I really were, “good.” and I told her that my main issue was family. The mom and dad? she asked me. I’m like, yeah, well, of course. One of my clients during the massage asked how my dad was doing, and I felt like a vein in my head started throbbing. People should not ask me a question they probably know is not a good one to ask when I’m rubbing them because when you’re angry you do massage harder without even knowing it. 

I told my client he was a bad dog. He is, he’s selfish, and he’s doing things that will hurt my Mom and he’s starting fights with me the few times that we talk… which is hardly ever. I have nothing to say to him. All he does is bitch, bitch, bitch about himself. I told my client there are some people who can’t look outside themselves, and that’s the way it is.  I couldn’t lie and say he was good, I’m an awful liar.

My friend doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand the situation. How much it makes me angry, how terrible it is to wait for what will happen next, what stupid thing he’ll do next, what fight he might get in with me just because he can. The thing is, she has a good family situation. She loves her grandparents, loves her mom, loves her dad, she can’t understand how I can be the way I am with my ‘family.’ How I can cut myself from people who hurt me, because she’s not like that. And so, I kicked myself. I kicked myself for ever talking about it in the first place. I should have said fine, and if she started bothering me about it that I didn’t want to talk about it.

I should have known better than to talk about it. But, I was still upset from my client asking me out the blue how he was. Whenever I’ve  forgiven my Dad he’s done something to make me regret forgiving him. It’s the same with my Mom, she’ll just deal with it, and now she’s coming to that point where it’s hard to deal with. Hard to be around him… no one knows what this is like with the situation me and mom are in and I don’t want anyone that knows me to know. I generally don’t give a damn what people think of me, but when it’s a friend and you think they’re judging you… it’s harder.

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2 Comments

  1. Been there, done that 😦

    Judging sucks. And usually the people who are so judgmental are those who don´t know a shit.

    Hugs,
    Maria

    Reply
    • I’m sorry that you have to worry about being judged too, because I think that as long as someone’s happy that’s all that matters and no one needs to know about anyone’s personal business, it’s personal for a reason.

      Thanks, Maria, I totally agree… the ones who judge do it just because they can.

      Reply

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