What does love got to do with it?

I love taking risks with anything except my heart. I used to do something that was quite dangerous but I loved it every time because of the exhilaration of the moment, the realization of what I was doing and how I could possibly get hurt. It was a hobby I’ve given up now, and I won’t go back to, even though it was a part of me ever since I was a kid. I used to ride on roller coasters too, and you’d probably catch me doing all sorts of dare-devil stuff if I was asked to do it. I’m thinking about maybe becoming certified in scuba diving, it’s a recent thought of mine. But, when it comes to the heart, my risk taking ability is cut to zero.

Everyone has been hurt, everyone has money issues, everyone is careful with matters of the heart. With my current relationship I wasn’t going to risk it, I wasn’t going to give myself over. It had been 2 years since the last time I dated and I was going out with groups of people I hadn’t met to hang out with. My adventurous nature came out in the fact that I did this alone without any girlfriends or buffers, but I wanted to meet people outside of my work.

I was not the nicest to him. He asked for my phone number and I said, “F*** that shit.” He was completely confused by this response and I basically ignored him afterwards. My prerogative is to be pretty intimidating to guys, and to make sure that I hold my own. He left before I did, I ended up talking to some people but I knew I would see him the next night for another event that was going on.

I had two options A) not show up for it or B) show up with the potential of showing my cards. The thing was, I did like him, and so what happened was that my walls and guards went up 1, 2, 3. If I didn’t show up for it I’d probably still be single right now. It wasn’t easy going to that event, I had to go to work, drive home, get dressed and ready, and basically drive back to where my work was because it was right in that area.

My cards were shown immediately when I saw him. I was looking around for him, thinking he’d probably run away from me because of how I acted the night before, knowing that was my intention in one way and not my intention in another. A smile popped on my face as soon as I saw him, he looked even better than the night before. My heart did a little move that I hadn’t felt in a very long time, like a flutter, my nerves got all jumbly, and my tough side tried to push all of the jittery emotions away.

He danced with me even though he wasn’t a dancer. He bowled with me the first night we met even though he wasn’t a bowler. We danced for hours and I couldn’t stop smiling. When I finally left he offered to walk me to my car, which I promptly said, “you’re not getting any.” I know, I’m such a charmer.  We were freezing outside, it was probably 20 degrees or so and we still kept talking for almost an hour after he had walked me to my car. He asked for my number again, and I just shrugged my shoulders this time. And, he asked me what I meant by ‘f that shit.’

That’s why I thought he wanted to get me alone, to corner me and ask me why I said that. He was clearly still confused, and I was playing nonchalant. I didn’t give him an answer, and now he just loves the saying and telling our story of how we met so he can say what I told him when he asked for my number. I ended up giving it to him the next day, we talked on the phone for hours, and scheduled the first date for the day after we talked on the phone.

He doesn’t have it easy with me. In one way he does, because I’m happy with myself, my career, and I don’t have too many issues with that. But, with trust I do so much. I didn’t want to trust my heart, and I especially don’t like listening to it when it comes to love, but I’m happy I did. Sometimes I’d prefer to have an untouchable wall around my heart that keeps me protected all the time. Even though it can hurt me caring about people, I think it’s better than not caring about anyone except yourself and not opening those walls up.

I’ll always be a dare-devil about everything except when it comes to matters of the heart. I invest too much of myself and care too much when I do love someone, whether that be a friend, family, or that special someone. Emotional wounds hurt me so much more than physical ones any day.

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2 Comments

  1. Agatha82

     /  August 12, 2010

    I can relate, I haven’t dated anyone in a while (way longer than 2 years *coughs*)
    I’m pretty good with keeping a padlock around my heart…love sucks…bleh

    Reply
    • Yeah, I was one of those who started dating around 18-19 years old, while all the other kids were dating at like 11-12 years old. Love definitely isn’t easy and it just feels better having a nice little padlock around your heart, I agree. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Agatha!

      Reply

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