Controlling Chaos

I live in a state of controlled chaos, or I end up controlling it. I try to follow my Mom’s rules she set for herself that you shouldn’t be known that you can maybe do many different things because then you’ll be asked to do then. The person who you try to find because you just know it’ll get done if you ask them? That’s me. Generally, whatever needs to get done has been since I rather do it before they ask me so I can answer, “Yes” and that generally stops the chase right there.

Ever since something big happened in my life I haven’t been able to write. Of course, here I am writing now, but I mean stories, short stories, chapters of Novels, ect. I tried to write about the event that happened, hoping it would jar me out of my funk but I started it and didn’t finish. I’ve gone into a dry spell, which for me was rather unheard of for a while. I was in an oasis of finished short stories, chapters, I didn’t stop. The fountain of inspiration kept running without me even going to the faucet.

Then it stopped. That chaos I went through which was home related affected me. That’s one of my favorite things about being part-time at this career is that it really was a great deal with my writing. Especially when I could write.

My mom and I were talking about it yesterday without tears. I think it was maybe the first time we said our thoughts out loud and didn’t end up saying, “I’m not ready” or when it comes to my Mom, “don’t start it.” She said it was the best thing to do, and I know it was. It was good to hear her say it, for us to talk about it, even if it was about 3 minutes and then we went back to discussing nothing.

Being a living poker face is how I work. Especially when I’m at the spa, with co-workers, they never know what’s up. If I’m in pain, if I’m sad, if I’m mad, upset, tired, I let it all just settle behind the poker face and do the best job I can do. Life is my life and is left at home, I prefer not to tell anyone about what’s going on. Why? Because I’ve gone through my life without anyone to support me besides my family. This is how I live, I don’t lean on people, I don’t cry on their shoulders, I take a deep breath and don’t smile a fake smile, no, I just put on that nice poker face.

Sometimes the mask cracks if it’s something really terrible I’m burying down. I’m only human, I can’t be strong 24/7… though I’d prefer it.

I just take those crumbled pieces, put them back in place, square my shoulders, and refuse to let whatever has settled underneath to resurface again. Except today it was impossible to do that. You know I’m in a lot of pain and I’m not myself when I say no to picking up more hours. I’m such a crab today but sometimes you just have those days where you just want to be left alone and just can’t get out of the funk.

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