Grind Me Up

As I take some of my last pills prescribed to me by the doctor I say a little prayer for the 12:15pm massage I’m coming in for today. Especially since they were a request massage and requested me so they couldn’t move her to the massage therapist taking over my books today. I’m wondering if it’s one of my regulars, or if it’s someone new who got massaged my me once before, liked me, and decided they wanted to keep seeing me for my charming personality and amazing magic hands.

I’m cocky when it comes to massage. It’s a big difference from one I first started and I thought every time I massaged was awful and I told myself before doing it not to be nervous and I’d just be a ball of nerves every time.

I’m saying a prayer that my back doesn’t go out during that massage. This is what happened last time, Tuesday, when I had a guy, of course he wanted deep tissue, and I did one of my normal reach across the table while pulling on the opposite side to get the trap muscles and my back seized up. I don’t know how I finished the massage afterwards, because I found it hard to stand, hard to breathe, and impossible to bend… which I need to do to make the massage stroke come from my hips and my lower body, and not have it be all my upper body strength. (Which I’m strong as an ox too).

I don’t want to let people down, and I’ve been letting people down ever since this injury happened and got worse. People have to cover for me, and I hate it when that happens, because I don’t like people knowing I’m hurt. Or in pain. Or that I’m having a hard time in my personal life, there’s only about 3 people at work who I share that with and sometimes I end up keeping it to myself.

I’m a very closed off person who is there for a lot of people. It may be a contradiction, but I’m open to other people, and giving to them, but I accept none of that for myself. I take the whole world on my shoulders and walk with it resting there with my head held high.

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